Life and Money With Helaine

Dear Helaine: I went to look for Advil in a hookup's medicine cabinet and I found an unused bottle of Ativan from 2013. It was stressful. It's a serial hookup, and every time we get together, the guy asks me for all sorts of life advice. So I saw the Ativan and I thought ... I could use this. He's not using it. So I took one and didn't say a word.

I then told him I was tired of being a caretaker in my professional and personal lives, I've only met him in person four times and enough is enough! He's now texting me and leaving me voicemails, and making me feel guilty for not taking his call. My question: Should I have offered to pay for the Ativan? -- Unhappy in Lust

Dear Unhappy in Lust: No, you shouldn't have taken the Ativan, and you shouldn't have offered to pay for it, either. Ativan is a Schedule IV drug, meaning someone who sells them could spend upwards of five years in jail or be fined as much as $250,000. It's also against the law to possess a controlled substance that was not prescribed to you.

It sounds like your hookup was bad enough. Think about how much worse it would have been if legal authorities got involved. There is a reason these laws exist. The 2015 National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that among adults abusing opioids, 40 percent received them for free from a friend with a prescription.

One other thing: Unless the hookup gave you permission to go into his medicine cabinet, you shouldn't have ever seen the Ativan. You weren't supposed to know this person had Ativan, whether it was used or unused.

It sounds to me like you were snooping in someone's medicine cabinet. You've got to know that's a no-no. When you are visiting someone, you don't go through their drawers or mail, or look through their pharmaceuticals, no matter what your need or motivation. If you wanted an Advil, you should have asked.

Oh, and really last, some life advice: If you need an Ativan to get through a, uh, romantic encounter, you should get yourself out of that encounter ASAP. If you aren't enjoying yourself, what's the point?

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

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Hi, Helaine: A decade ago, a close friend needed money fast. She was a single mom with two kids, her husband had left her and she needed $4,000 for her housing costs. I gave her $2,000 thinking I’d consider it a gift.

I said it was a loan, but I didn’t want it to get in the way of our friendship, so she should know if it took a long time to pay back or if she never paid it, that was an amount I could live without. I didn’t want to be one of those friends who loans money and then watches the person’s every move, wondering why they can afford this or that.

It wasn’t too long after that her life started to improve. She would take vacations and I would think, “Why is it your first priority to take a vacation?” I guess you never forget you’ve loaned money to a friend.

Two years ago, she said to me, “I really should pay you back that $1,500.” I said it was $2,000. She said, “It was?" After that she sent a few checks, maybe $750 in total. Then she announced she was moving to Atlanta. Now she’s flying back and forth across the country -- and not paying me back. Am I at fault? -- Generous Friend

Dear Generous Friend: There’s no agreement among financial experts on how to loan money to a friend -- or even whether you should do it at all. Some say don’t go there; it always leads to busted relationships. Others suggest you get your friend to sign a contract, outlining how you will be paid back.

A third school of thought suggests you make all loans to friends a gift. This way, you aren’t wondering when you will be repaid. I will admit this is my preferred strategy -- when I can afford to do so. Few of us can afford to make four-figure gifts.

So did you make a mistake? Yes. I’m guessing you weren’t too clear with your, uh, friend. This is understandable. Who wants to have formal contract negotiations with a friend over money? Friendship is more than that. But that doesn’t mean you were at fault. Even the experts can’t agree on what’s the best way to handle this, so what are the chances poor little you will get it correct?

The thing about friendship is that we learn to accept each other, flaws and all. But acceptance does not mean you need to be used. This person -- I refuse to use the word "friend" here -- failed that test. This “friendship” appears to be fading out. Help it along that path by muting her on social media, so you don’t need to view all the ways she is spending the money she never returned to you.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Helaine: I am 30, married, and my husband and I jointly have $127,000 in investments. We both fund our 401(k)s to take advantage of the corporate match, and I am able to fully fund a Roth IRA as well. We have no debt besides our mortgage and student loans.

Trying to have children has been a challenge. My husband worked a second job to avoid going into debt for fertility treatments. I carried and birthed two babies, knowing they wouldn’t come home from the hospital due to diagnoses “incompatible with life.” Our third child is healthy and the light of our lives.

We got pregnant again, only to discover my life was in danger. Ending the pregnancy via emergency surgery was the only option. My husband and I agree we want more children, but we’re taking our time figuring out if that means more fertility treatments, adoption or surrogacy.

We had $20,000 in savings, but we depleted it by half to do projects on our house as a form of therapy. I’m debating stopping my Roth IRA contributions this year to purchase some items I’ve always wanted. The logical side of my brain says the contributions will be worth more in the long run. My grieving heart reminds me that nobody’s future is guaranteed, so why not enjoy life while I can. What do you advise? -- To Stop or Not to Stop

Dear Stop: You are an extraordinary woman. You’ve gone through three pregnancies, two of which ended in tragedy. At the same time, you and your husband are such nose-to-the-grindstone, diligent people, you managed to not only avoid debt while paying for expensive fertility treatments, you’ve bought a home and managed to set aside more than $100,000 in retirement accounts.

And now you are asking me if you can let go a bit, that the future is not a sure thing and why not enjoy the moment? There is no question about my guidance: I am officially giving you permission to temporarily stop your Roth IRA contributions as you mourn for those lost children and what could have been, as well as for the time it takes you and your husband to decide how to best move forward with your lives. It’s most important that you take care of yourself in the here and now.

If you are feeling a bit of guilt, take some of the money you aren’t putting in a retirement account and put it aside for your child’s future college education in a 529 college savings plan instead.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION