Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve made some questionable decisions over the years that had a negative impact on my credit. Many of those mistakes were things I did when I didn’t fully understand the concept of credit and financial responsibility. Now my bad credit is haunting me. I’ve been trying to take all of the steps to diminish debt and rectify certain things, but as you probably know, building good credit just takes time. I’m in a serious relationship now, and my boyfriend really wants to buy a house together, but I’m scared to admit my credit issues. The way I see it, I can either stall him until my credit improves or come clean and likely have to wait to purchase anyway. Is stalling a bad idea? -- Bad Credit

DEAR BAD CREDIT: Yes, stalling is bad. Own up to your life. Tell him that you are working on improving your credit, but you have a way to go. Be honest about your irresponsible spending in the past, and tell him what your goals are for the future. Tell him you aren’t sure if you would be eligible to buy a house today but that you hope to be there soon. Let him know that you want to build your credit and a life with him. See how he responds.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been going out with this woman I really like for about four months now. We have a great connection, and I enjoy spending time with her. The issue is that she is moving from our hometown in the Midwest to New York City in a few months. She has been upfront about her plans from the beginning, and she recently told me that she would like to keep seeing me until she leaves this summer. My dilemma is that I want to be more intentional with who I am dating because I am at a point in my life where I want to settle down, get married and start a family.

While I really like this woman, I can’t shake the feeling that continuing to date her when she has no plans to stay might be setting myself up for heartbreak. At the same time, I don’t want to walk away from something that makes me happy just because of an uncertain future. I’m torn between enjoying the time we have left together and cutting things off now to protect myself from getting even more attached. Is it a bad idea to stay in a relationship that likely has an expiration date, or should I take things one day at a time and see where it leads? -- Moving On

DEAR MOVING ON: It is good that this person was honest with you about her plans from the start, but have you two discussed her intentions for the distant future? Is this woman leaving home for good, or is she leaving to build her resume? Do both of you want to be together? You need to figure that out. Plenty of couples have waited while one partner gets advanced education or work experience before they settle down. What do you two want? Find out if you are on the same page. If not, decide if you want to soak up the last months before she goes or cut your losses now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am trying to work on becoming less bothered by the small things in life. I take things personally, whether they are big or small, and I let them ruin my whole day. For instance, if someone makes a harmless joke at my expense or if I receive minor criticism at work, I dwell on it for hours, sometimes even days. Even when I know deep down that the comment wasn’t meant to be hurtful, I can’t help but feel slighted or embarrassed. I replay conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing or if people are judging me. It’s exhausting to constantly feel like I have to prove myself or read between the lines of everything people say.

I admire people who can brush things off and not take life so seriously, but I don’t know how to get to that point myself. I want to be more easygoing and confident, but no matter how much I tell myself to “let it go,” I still feel a knot in my stomach when I think about certain moments. How can I stop overanalyzing every little thing, take things less personally and start enjoying life without feeling so weighed down by my emotions? -- Sensitive

DEAR SENSITIVE: At least you know that you are having an extreme reaction to the way people engage with you; that’s a step in the right direction. Now might be the time to count your blessings. Write down what’s good about you. What are your positive qualities? When you receive compliments, what do people say? Pay attention. Even if you think you don’t get any thanks or praise, I believe you do. Now is the time to notice it. Pump yourself up by acknowledging the good in you.

For anything that you need to take to heart and work on, do it. Instead of dwelling on a whole list of shortcomings, focus on one thing at a time that you can improve, and continue to recite your list of accomplishments to help balance out the negative thoughts. Read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is not to take things personally.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m currently in a relationship with an older man. I’m 24, and he’s 40. My friends and mom don’t approve, but this person has supported me through some of the hardest chapters of my life. A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted, and it really uprooted so many things in my life. I found myself feeling broken and confused, and I wasn’t sure I would heal from it. This guy, who didn’t know what I’d been through at the time, showered me with love, care and gentleness, and I began to feel normal again. Currently, we are long distance, but he plans to move here. I’m excited, but I can’t help but worry how he’ll be received by my loved ones. Is there something my friends and family are seeing that I’m blind to? -- Older Man

DEAR OLDER MAN: Generational differences can cause conflict over time, but every couple is different. If you feel loved and respected by this man, give the relationship a chance. Let your family know that you want their support and faith in you. Ask them why they are so apprehensive, and listen to their answers. There is a good chance that they are reacting more to the long-distance aspect of the relationship than to the age difference. If you two have not yet met in person (safely, in a public space), it is vitally important that you do so before anyone decides to uproot and move to a new town. While you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to have him meet some members of your inner circle. Get honest reactions from them, and take those to heart as you decide your next steps.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a trained chef, culinary producer, published recipe author and former caterer. The television and culinary industries can both be unstable at times. A lot of the work I do is contracted for specific periods of time, meaning it’s always a hustle to get new work. My last gig (with a major network) ended a few months ago. Since then, it seems there have been some major changes to the network that are resulting in fewer work opportunities.

I don’t know what to do next. Some people have suggested I teach for the time being, but I’m scared. I don’t know how I would fare as a culinary instructor. I’ve done instructional content for social media before, but never to a room full of people who are depending on my expertise to help shape their careers. How do you know if you’re cut out to instruct others? -- Chef Becomes Teacher

DEAR CHEF BECOMES TEACHER: Teaching is a great way for professionals to share their knowledge and expertise with others, and it has proven to be a safety net for some when work dries up. Unfortunately, teaching will not likely pay as well as your TV gigs, but it can represent consistent income. You can get support on how to create a curriculum and learn about teaching methods, even as you also trust your knowledge. You know more than you realize.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my younger cousins is on the autism spectrum. He’s active, strong and affectionate, but he’s nonverbal. He’s a toddler, and he participates in therapeutic programs that help stimulate him; he seems to be learning so much. Naturally, though, like any child, he has some habits -- some are fleeting, but some seem harder to step away from (biting, pinching, chewing paper, etc.).

I’ve noticed that when his mom talks about helping him ending some of those habits, she describes it as “fixing” them. I hate to hear that because it implies that something might be broken. Like anyone else, habits take time, and words can have a long-lasting impact. I want to say something to her, but she seems defensive. I’m always wary of commenting on people’s parenting. Even though that’s not exactly what I’m doing, parents always seem to get defensive in that way. How can I help his mom realize that her child is not something to be “fixed”? -- Stop Fixing

DEAR STOP FIXING: Tread carefully here. Your cousin is doing the best she can with her child, and she is naturally defensive. Rather than attempting to correct her directly, you may want to model your thinking through your own language. You can talk about children learning how to stop bad habits and replace behaviors with healthier ones. Look for words that describe what she is saying that you find less judgmental, and use them when you are talking to each other.

Look for books or articles on helping children adopt healthy habits -- especially children on the spectrum -- and share them with her. Assure her that you are always looking out for them. Don’t correct her directly. Share information that may open her eyes to the importance of language.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)