Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a person who was in Congress from 1981 to 1993 and has been out of office since then, who has decided to run for Congress this year in hopes of returning.

1. As voters, if we get the opportunity to speak with him, is the proper way to address him "Congressman Lastname" or "Mr. Lastname"?

2. In his campaign ads, is it proper for the ad narrator to say, for example, that "Congressman Firstname Lastname is a good man," or should he by the rules of etiquette be required say, "FirstName LastName is a good man"?

3. Is it proper for various pages on his campaign's Web site to refer to him as "Congressman FirstName LastName"?

I believe that the rules of etiquette when applied to former presidents ?allow a person to address him (someday her?) as "President Lastname," and may allow an ad narrator to refer to him as "President Firstname Lastname," but I have the impression that the rules for a former congressperson, or anyone who hasn't been president, may be different. I also wonder if the passage of 13 years since the person in question ?has been in office alters the answer in any way.

GENTLE READER: You're not running against him, are you? Because then Miss Manners would be extra careful about reminding you to address him respectfully, even as you attempt to make it clear that he is wrong on every possible issue.

But, as you have noticed, that is not easy. The official protocol is clear but is rarely observed. This may be because nobody except Miss Manners remembers it, or because people feel it is not respectful enough, or because they feel it is too respectful.

For starters, "Congressman" is not a title; if it were, it would have to include senators, who are also members of the U.S. Congress. The correct title is "Representative of" with the state. But although these officials should be addressed in writing as "The Honorable," a title that stays with them through life regardless of their behavior, the direct address should be simply Mr. or Ms. with the surname.

But, as you know, it isn't. The terms "Congressman" and "Congresswoman" sprang up to save our officials from the political sin of modesty. And since former senators are forever styled senator, the other members of Congress may as well be. Only holders of unique titles, such as President of the United States, are supposed to surrender them on leaving office. Former presidents Truman and Eisenhower gracefully assumed the last multiple titles they had held, Senator and General respectively. But now we have a number of people styled "President." Aside from the violation of American protocol, Miss Manners would have thought that the people in question would feel confident enough that everyone already knew who they were, and they would not have to trumpet it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to a party guest who asks the host "Hey, where's so-and-so (a friend of the guest who was not invited)?"

GENTLE READER: "He's not here. Would you like me to freshen your drink?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Certain events in our lives such as surgeries and graduations warrant acknowledgement through written correspondence by friends, and I've been through both. But what is the proper response to someone who, long after the event, sees me and says, "Oh, how are you doing? I meant to send you a get well card" or "Congratulations! I meant to send you a graduation card." In the past I've replied, "Thank you for thinking of me."

Along these lines, I've sent gifts across the country to have the recipients tell me on the phone, "I need to send you a thank you note." As I know she should send a note and am stunned by the rudeness of the remark, how can I reply to this?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the attempt to make the word -- and a belated word at that -- substitute for the deed. Miss Manners does not care for the notion that knowing what should be done cancels the need to do it.

She likes your reaction to unsent letters. "Thank you for thinking of me" carries the implication that the thought didn't last, and is subtle enough to be polite. When it is phrased as "I need to send you ..." you may go a step further and reply, "I look forward to reading it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an accommodating person, and my friends and long-time acquaintances have grown accustomed to my inability to refuse requests for favors. However, I have recently moved to a new town and am meeting new people. Can you suggest a polite way to decline to do a favor now that I have an opportunity to start afresh?

Recently, a co-worker needed me to cover for her for an evening class I assist her with. It was my husband's birthday and I had promised that we would not allow anything to intrude on our plans. To that end, I had mentioned weeks beforehand that I would not be available that evening and the day before specifically stated that I would not be present. The co-worker called with an emergency request for me to cover for her at 3:30 of the day in question. Despite my repeated statements that I was not available, could not cover for her this time and suggestions that she avail herself of the available substitute teachers, she continued to ask me to take over.

I finally said no again and excused myself. Now she is angry with me. How does one say no to this type of request without angering the other person? Is there a way to phrase the refusal that is both polite and yet unmistakably firm?

GENTLE READER: Your generosity is apparent in your worry that people who want to take advantage of you may become angry when you refuse to let them. Shouldn't you be angry at this co-worker who, with ample warning about your schedule, attempted to bully you into dropping your plans for her convenience?

Miss Manners has no wish to discourage generosity, much less to turn it into anger. But if you are rattled by emotional blackmail, such as you described, you will find yourself back in the position of doing whatever others ask. She hopes you will learn to regard those surly responses as yet another unwarranted, not to mention rude, attempt to take advantage of your good nature.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At an upscale restaurant, the waiter greeted my wife and me with a remark that shocked me and left me unsure how to respond correctly. After handing us our menus, he pleasantly wished us happiness and health, then proceeded to add that the reason he wished us health was that his father had just died of cancer.

While I sympathized with his loss -- it just so happened that my wife is a cancer patient and we were dining out in part to have a pleasant diversion from our health concerns -- I am quite certain that raising his personal family situation was incorrect. We expressed our regret at his loss and turned to our menus.

Should we have done more? Contacted management? I didn't want to make a scene, as his loss was far more grievous than our inconvenience, but it definitely put a damper on our evening.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners congratulates you for handling this as you did, and for refraining from saying, as many would, "Thanks for sharing -- my wife here has cancer, and we were trying to have one meal without worrying about it." Nor, as others might, launching into an exchange of cancer anecdotes while diners at other tables waited for the waiter to give them their dinners.

She agrees with you that personal histories have no place in transitory professional encounters. And yet, she would not have reported the waiter to his superiors.

She would not want to be accused of being soft-hearted. But your giving the minimal polite response to his confidence and turning back to the business of ordering your meal should have let him know that you were not going to be his confidante. Perhaps that will be enough to remind him not to serve his sorrows with the meals.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student at a large university, and thus most of my communication with professors (for better or for worse) is done in writing (via e-mail). I find myself over and over in the same predicament as to how to address my professors.

When initiating contact, I always greet the professor with "Dear Dr. Jack Jones." However more often than not the professor will respond to my message with "Dear Seth ... Sincerely, Jack." What is the correct way for me to respond that is neither haughty nor rude? Should I continue to use the professor's full name and title in my future correspondence, or should I assume that by using only their first name, they are inviting me to do the same?

GENTLE READER: They are inviting you to think of them as your equals and your friends, but Miss Manners advises you not to count on such pals to be good to you at grade time. Rather than mistaking a posture intended to make themselves feel young as a personal gesture, she would suggest continuing to address them by the title of professor or doctor, whichever is more used in your university (and the first name should be omitted from the salutation).

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