DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is wrong with people? What happened to the politics and religion rule?

There are people in my van pool and co-workers (some of whom are managers) who think that everyone benefits from hearing their political views. It is interesting that they all share a common opinion that is simplistic and naive.

It puts people who are not in agreement in a no-win situation. Do I speak up and cause acrimony in the van pool? Do I speak up and cause more acrimony and retribution at work?

I don't think so. Also, I do not appreciate receiving e-mails from this same faction that are almost always outright lies, distortions and half-truths. There is plenty of room for criticism on all sides, and it is hard enough to get rational information about Washington's plans for us. The offenders are only perpetuating partisanship, polarizing their audience and making any positive changes impossible. Miss Manners, please share your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: What happened to the etiquette rule banning casual social discussions of politics and religion is that it is roundly pooh-poohed and ignored. At best, it is thought to be a prissy and unnecessary restriction of adult conversation; at worst, it is considered a repression of free speech and the democratic process.

Miss Manners acknowledges that these accusations might have some validity if people knew how to express their opinions civilly and to listen to the thoughts of others with open minds.

But guess what, folks: In this society, most of the acrimony short of violence is over religion and/or politics, and it doesn't always stop short of violence. And those who are supposed to be dealing with these topics professionally aren't behaving much better.

Instead of civil conversation, discussion and debate we have wholesale denunciations and personal insults. Funny thing -- it turns out that a real exchange of ideas and opinions is possible only under the rule of etiquette.

Miss Manners advises you to cultivate the aura of someone who is so immersed in work -- reading papers in the van pool, concentrating intensely in the office so that you have a blank look when interrupted as if you had not heard -- that it is useless to attempt engaging you in what passes for conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a party in honor of the engagement of my niece and her fiance. Each family has given me a list of invitees. Is it proper for me to invite my friends (who will not be invited to the wedding), as the party is in my home?

GENTLE READER: You would be doing your friends no favor. To be included in such an occasion suggests that they ought to be more involved in this marriage than they probably may care to be -- yet if they do want to be, they will find they are not invited to the wedding.

Miss Manners is puzzled about why you would want to do this. To pay off social debts? To be able to keep away from your relatives with people who amuse you more?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is 12 years my junior. We have been close for at least 10 years, but since she began attending college, I've found her friendship altering from very dear to quite demanding.

She has a high regard for social justice, which I admire, but this has come to include co-opting word usage to the point of my distaste.

I have long been a lover of Victorian literature, foremost being the works of Oscar Wilde and Lewis Carroll, whilst writing fiction in such styles as a beloved hobby.

Upon rereading the Alice books, I find myself flinching at how often the words "queer" and "gaily" come up as a reminder that I may be robbed from using them in the manner Lewis Carroll and other writers have done. It now seems I'm only "allowed" to use them for the sole purpose of their modern upgrades.

I'm terribly perplexed on how to behave around my friend. In my teens, I discovered I was bisexual, and her conveniently ignoring this fact neither helps our friendship nor the goals we both share.

I have so far deduced that, for the sake of etiquette, I may only relish my books in isolation and refrain from expressing my own queer notions of gaiety in her presence.

GENTLE READER: In the hope of interesting other Gentle Readers as well as of furthering her study of mankind, Miss Manners always examines surface etiquette problems for more widely applicable underlying issues. And you have provided tantalizing clues: Connecting college attendance with objectionable traits. Squabbling about words that now refer to homosexuality. Complaining that ignoring your bisexuality is detrimental to your shared goals.

But why would your friend's education be a problem when you also have intellectual interests? Why would you, being bisexual, denounce the modern uses of "queer" and "gay" in particular, when doing so is associated with homophobia?

And if that reference to your own sexuality contains a subtext, it is too deep for Miss Manners.

So maybe the two of you are just fighting over whether some words legitimately change meaning over time, and whether writing in the style of another time can legitimately include using them in the sense of that time.

Both are true, but there are people who resist revisions and people who resist reversions. Why these people cannot disagree on this without ruining the friendship, Miss Manners cannot understand. But perhaps she missed the real subtext.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I've placed a few classifieds advertising for office management and financial types. I never knew I had so many friends who obviously felt no hesitation in greeting me on a first-name basis. People who are educated are addressing me as though I was a close relative.

Is there an effective way to bring to their attention that a prospective supervisor might warrant an opening salutation commensurate with their status?

GENTLE READER: "Ms. Brokenridge," or "Mr. Hightower," Miss Manners advises you to say, "I don't know that you'd be happy here. This is rather a formal office."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to use a speakerphone when there are other people in the room or car?

My husband has a hands-free phone system in his car. He frequently travels to different locations during the day and has co-workers often riding with him.

When I call him, I have asked him to let me know that there are other people listening to our conversation. Possibly something like, "Hi, honey, Jack and I are between appointments, what's going on?" This lets everyone know who is listening to the conversation.

I don't feel it's my place to say, "Are you alone?" because it makes me feel rude if there are people listening. And if he indicates he's not alone, then what do I say?

So far my husband has not changed and doesn't feel it's necessary to change.

One time his sister was riding with him and she listened to our conversation for about five minutes before I was told she was in the car. When I asked her later about it, she said it made her feel very uncomfortable that I didn't know she was listening.

Another time, I didn't know I was on speakerphone, and I told my husband where I hid the children's Christmas presents so he could steer them away from that area when he arrived home, and all my children heard the whole conversation.

After these and many more incidents, I'm sure I don't even know about, I now have only extremely short conversations with him during the daytime in case we're not alone. And I certainly don't flirt with him on the phone! What is the right way to handle the speakerphone?

GENTLE READER: That's easy; it is handling your husband that seems to be your real problem.

As you know, anyone using the telephone on the speakermode should inform the other person who else is listening to the conversation. But you have told your husband that, and neither your examples of what went wrong nor your asking him to accommodate you has worked.

Miss Manners is not a marriage counselor, so she will confine herself to the matter of protecting your conversations. You might always assume that there is someone else listening, and call out a merry "Hello, everybody; who's there?"

Presumably, your children, sister-in-law or whoever is in the car will return your greeting. And with any luck, your husband will soon tire of this and accede to your request. Or your state will pass a law prohibiting even hands-free telephones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend whose daughter had gotten engaged and planned a wedding in August. My daughter had been engaged for five years, but because of different circumstances could not get married right away.

We do not have much family, but this July, the family will be visiting. My daughter and her fiance decided to have their wedding in July. Small wedding.

My friend called me and said that if I do have my daughter's wedding a month before her daughter's, she would never talk to me again. I told her our friendship is over then.

Am I crazy, but I find this ridiculous. My daughter's small wedding will not affect her daughter's wedding at all. We are not having any showers or parties before.

Everyone I talked to said get a new friend. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That you should get a new friend.

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