DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the other woman in the life of a man I am seeing, and I want to be the first woman.

He seems to like us equally and to be indifferent as to which woman occupies which position. He and I went out on our first date at a time when he and she weren't getting along and he thought they were going to break up. So he went out with me, and here we are.

How do I get her out of the way?

GENTLE READER: Other than hiring a hit man? Miss Manners is many things, but she assures you she is not that.

Why you would want to be with a man who has shown such lack of discrimination in his romantic attachments is beyond her. Apparently it has not occurred to you that if you were able to eliminate your rival, you would create a job opening.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every couple of weeks, one of a group of girls at my school asks me, "Why do you hate me?"

Normally, I would simply ignore this and get on with my life, but they have asked me multiple times. I sit with them (chance, not choice) in a table of four in a math class, and they are all close friends.

I do my best to be polite to them. I say hello, goodbye, and ask them how their day is. I also do my best to answer any questions they ask me. I do very well in the class, but I sometimes do not know how to explain a concept.

I also refuse to help them cheat on tests. After one occasion, they told me that the test was "a group effort." I managed to move to another seat, but the incident still bothers me.

Is there any point at which I can stop trying to assist and be polite? I tried for four or five months, and they never stopped being rude to me, and often asked me why I hated them. What would be the best way to behave in this type of situation?

GENTLE READER: To say, "I don't hate you, but I can't help you the way you want. If that's a condition of friendship, I'm sorry."

Miss Manners suggests that you then continue to take tests in the seat farthest away from them -- and closest to the teacher.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are blessed with wonderful friends and family who celebrated our wedding with us. We've been finishing up thank-you cards for those who sent presents.

I'd also like to thank those who just attended, even if they did not give any physical gifts. Would it be proper to send a heartfelt thank-you card for their presence and support?

We didn't ask for, nor expect, presents, and felt that our guests' attendance was present enough.

GENTLE READER: It pains Miss Manners to discourage heartfelt letters of thanks, which have become as rare as people who do not ask for presents. It is not surprising to hear that you have wonderful friends.

But this is not a good idea. It reverses the usual direction of thanks between guests and hosts, and may be taken -- as less kindly brides have used it -- as a reminder to come across with the goods.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a small group of women to go to a relaxation spa for my birthday. We checked in and started the festivities with appetizers and cocktails. Unfortunately, I had two drinks and became ill, inebriated, whatever you want to call it, by no one's fault. I just plain got sick.

I paid for all five of us, and the women went in as I straggled behind. Within minutes, I was getting even more ill. One of my lady friends took me outside and comforted me and, not knowing what to do, just sat there. Another guest took me back to the hotel.

As the "guest of honor," I had a bad taste in my mouth the day after because people I called my friends couldn't see that we should have rescheduled the relaxation spa affair, as I was not feeling well.

What does proper etiquette dictate? What would have been the proper thing for the guests to do under the circumstances, as I paid for everything?

I feel like it was rude of these so-called "friends" to take advantage of the situation, and I need to distance myself from people with such little character.

Is my thinking out of line? Illogical? Help me see this clearly.

GENTLE READER: Let's begin by clarifying some terms:

The person who issues the invitations for the event is the host, not the guest of honor. As such, you properly arranged and paid for the entertainment.

Your guests are guests. As such, they properly attended and participated -- they did not "take advantage of the situation." And your friends properly comforted you and saw to your care.

While illness may interfere with -- or even prevent -- a hostess performing her duties, it does not absolve her of all responsibility. Your friend was perplexed because she was still looking to you, as hostess, to issue instructions. The gracious course would have been to ask your guests to enjoy themselves in your absence. You could also have asked a close friend to look after everyone.

The captain whose incapacity results in the ship running aground is seldom remembered as a hero. The incapacitated hostess who nevertheless makes the effort to carry out -- or delegate -- her responsibilities will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a right or wrong way to determine if a bathroom is in use? Should the next gentle user softly try the door handle to see if it is locked, or simply knock and allow the user to acknowledge their presence?

I wonder this because I am often on both sides of the door in the place that I exercise. This is not a stall but a room. I know I cannot change others' approach, but would like to know what is most acceptable.

GENTLE READER: If you are on both sides of the door, surely you know if the room is in use?

No, Miss Manners realizes you meant to say that you have, at different times, been both applicant and occupant. If the former, knock and await a response. If the latter, respond that the room is occupied. No good ever came from trying the door handle.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to complete 14 years of medical training and graduate as a oncology physician. I am female, with a generally open, warm manner, and can usually handle a wide variety of social situations.

However, when I meet new people outside of work, and they ask what I do, I occasionally answer truthfully.

This too often results in unsolicited commentary that is at best embarrassing ("You're an angel! How do you do it? Isn't that SO SAD?"), and at worst a complete occasion-destroyer when people launch into their own, again unsolicited, health history, or the tragic history of a friend or family member. Or the conversation immediately devolves into a heated debate (between others) on the state of our health care system, or conspiracy theories about how "the cure is out there" but being kept from them.

I have tried answering less-than-truthfully ("I work in health care"), which can end in guessing games and draw out the conversation unnecessarily. How do I avoid being a cocktail party conversation killer?

GENTLE READER: Whatever is said about your profession, your response should be, "Well, it's the kind of job that makes you grateful to get away among friends and talk about something else."

Miss Manners trusts that you will say this with a smile. You can then turn to someone else and say, "I imagine you feel the same way about your work."

It doesn't matter what that person's job is, because nowadays people consider it a disgrace to admit that they are not stressed. So the conversation will go on from there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally I enjoy entertaining friends by inviting them to a dinner party at my home, where I prepare the food. When I invited a somewhat new friend and his spouse to such a dinner, they accepted readily.

However, I was surprised when he called a little more than one day before the dinner to inquire about the menu. I felt this was a little odd (unless a guest has issues with particular foods, but I'd already asked about this). Basically, I was told that my planned menu simply wouldn't do, as they would not care for anything I had planned to serve.

I was completely taken aback by this declaration. Uncertain what to do, I discussed alternatives with him and completely revised my menu, although I'd already purchased most of the planned ingredients and now had to go shopping once again.

They arrived late for the dinner and left before dessert was served because they had planned to visit a nearby ice cream emporium on the way home (implying, I suppose, that nothing I might have prepared would equal a commercial dessert).

Needless to say, I am not eager to invite them again. However, I would like your opinion as to how I should have reacted when the call was made to discuss the menu.

GENTLE READER: In effect, these people rejected your invitation, which was to attend a dinner you planned, not to order from you as if from a restaurant.

So Miss Manners would have advised you to accept that graciously, saying, "Well, I'm sorry my dinner won't be suitable for you. Perhaps some other time ..." The unspoken end of the second sentence would be "... I'll have better luck with my guests."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)