DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a church supper, I clearly heard an acquaintance say that all suicide is because of self-pity.

Not only am I a mental health professional, but I have a personal history of suicidal feelings of my own. This woman's remark was cruel and downright evil.

Of course, I couldn't say anything in that setting, and she was also sitting directly across a large, full table from me. So although I ended up saying nothing, and that was several months ago, it still bothers me.

Should I still respond in some way? If so, how? I'm sure she didn't know I overheard the remark. I'm sure that, by now, she has forgotten she said it.

Is there anything I can do to advocate for people who are hurting from depression, or should I just chalk it up to ignorance and forget it?

GENTLE READER: There is not much you can do about it now, since the comment was made months ago and not addressed to you. If something similar happens to you, Miss Manners suggests quietly saying, "I assume you've been fortunate enough not to encounter this situation."

Leave it at that. There are more effective ways to channel your desire to be an advocate than embarrassing individuals, which rarely works.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who pays for premarital counseling? The future bride or the groom?

GENTLE READER: If they can't figure that out on their own, Miss Manners will offer them some free counseling: Don't get married.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months ago, two co-workers and I started a monthly tradition of "girls lunch" out of the office. At the time, we didn't know each other very well, and it became apparent almost immediately that one of the co-workers was going to be a problem.

She is rude and demanding to the wait staff and always sends her meals back. At our last lunch, she actually banged her fists on the table while screaming at the waitress. By the time we paid our separate bills, the poor waitress was holding back tears. She is a lousy tipper to boot, and I always overtip to compensate for her stinginess.

Needless to say, the two of us want nothing to do with any future lunches out with this co-worker. The problem is that we still need to retain a cordial work relationship with her. How do we diplomatically tell her that from now on our lunch trio is only a duo?

GENTLE READER: Make it a duo dinner.

Not only is there no diplomatic way to tell her that you are firing her from lunch, but there is no way to escape being seen by her if you go off to lunch together.

Miss Manners notes that you can, however, suspend the regular lunches and resort to meeting on the side, on your own time, as others do who have even stronger reasons not to be observed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I'm asked to wait in an office setting or while waiting in someone's home, is it rude of me to get up and look at paintings on the wall or book spines on a book shelf (not touching or opening the books) in the room where I was instructed to wait?

GENTLE READER: If you have had the opportunity to go on the public tours of the White House, a state governor's mansion or the receiving rooms of royalty, enthroned or de-, you will no doubt have discerned a pattern in the decoration.

There is a definite bias toward displays that make the owner look magnificent, munificent, omniscient or, occasionally, omnivorous. Whether the state treasury could spring for Berninis and Michelangelos, or had to settle for maps showing territorial boundaries of dubious legality, it was the owner's fondest hope that his guests, subjects or clients would look around.

Miss Manners has no objection, even if modern hosts are limited to showing off the books they have read, the schools they have attended or the celebrities with whom they have been photographed. She would, however, refrain from pointing out that the painting attributed to "Titian" is merely "school of."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever good manners to apologize for a wrongdoing via a text message? Maybe I am set in my ways, but I think a personal phone call would have been more sincere.

GENTLE READER: How wrong? In the example you have in mind, did the offender break your bathroom glass or wreck your car?

The apology scale goes from texting, at the bottom, to calling, to hand-writing a letter, to wailing, to holding a weepy press conference.

Miss Manners regrets that there is no such thing as a sincerity detector test, so the rule is the greater the wrongdoing, the more labor-intensive the apology.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I worked on Thanksgiving, and as a small thank-you, my boss left me a card and a $25 gift card. She has no idea how difficult things have been for me lately and how much it meant, not only to be appreciated on the holiday, but also how much the gift card will help me with things.

Since her card to me was essentially a thank-you, how do I respond? Do I write her one back, or do I thank her in person when she returns from her holiday time off?

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't she have a better idea of how much this meant if you wrote her?

Because this is more like a bonus than a present, Miss Manners does not insist on a letter. But she is glad that you realize that it does require thanks. A letter of thanks need not be answered, but when the expression of gratitude includes actual items, it requires thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years, my husband and I entertained guests for holidays with gusto, pleasure and enjoyment. Now that we are in our 70s, we decided to keep quiet and not send any written invites nor make calls and wait to see if we get invited.

The telephone company assured us the phone was in working order, but it never rang.

We stayed home at Thanksgiving and had a convenient turkey frozen (but cooked) dinner and enjoyed the laughs about all the past nice times we had, and how thoughtless people have become. It seems that if we don't send Christmas cards first, we won't get any in return.

What is going on with these obvious social changes in America?

GENTLE READER: The world is changing all the time, in many ways, and always has been. But whenever social change is mentioned to Miss Manners, it is with one of only two conclusions: That nobody has any manners anymore, or that nobody needs to have manners anymore.

Neither is true. Some things have changed for the better -- society no longer tolerates the open expression of bigotry -- and others, such as the open expression of greed, for the worse.

Similarly, adaptations because of changes in the way we live may be done well or badly.

Therefore, Miss Manners is not convinced that your strategy of waiting for people to seek you out has revealed that the world has turned callous. Here are some of the factors she believes are at play:

Many people simply do not entertain, even those who used to do so. They plead that they can barely manage their work and family commitments, but Miss Manners suspects it also has to do with the unreliability and picky behavior of guests. What real (non-networking) social life survives is likely to be in organized groups, such as book clubs, or at meetings in restaurants.

When feeling overscheduled, people tend to react to social opportunities, rather than to initiate them. There is an age factor in this out-of-sight, out-of-mind assumption: People who do not hear from you may think that for one reason or another, you have retired from the social scene.

Technology has changed correspondence dramatically, in that the regular use of cards, written invitations and even the telephone can no longer be assumed.

Now, where does the relentlessly optimistic Miss Manners find an upside to all this? You may safely assume that she shares your yearning for home entertaining, reciprocating invitations, staying in touch and handwritten correspondence.

But so do your socially delinquent friends. Those of us who provide such things now find ourselves all the more valued. Miss Manners hopes we will serve as models for a renaissance of satisfying and mutual social life once society has figured out how to lessen the work-family conflict.

So she urges you not to retreat now, but to advance. Think of yourselves as medieval monks, who are preserving civilization until that time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest friend (since kindergarten) let me borrow a set of four books. Another friend was having a hard time finding two books in the set. I asked my friend if I could let her borrow the books. She said it was fine.

Over the last couple of years, I have asked for the books back so I could return them. She has just ignored me. I asked her again, sent her a map from her work to my house and on to her house. According to Mapquest, it would add 6 minutes to her commute to drop the books off at my house. She drives within a mile of my house daily.

I waited three more weeks and sent a friendly reminder. I received a text back swearing at me and saying I will get them when I get them. I dropped the books off to her at her work when she borrowed them. So I went out of my way twice to be sure she had them.

I am at my wits' end. My friend who owns the books said not to worry, and it is not worth subjecting me to the abuse. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you have one good friend and one really bad one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)