DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two children through adoption, and am in the process of adopting the biological sibling of my younger child.

These siblings were born into the foster care system. Their birth mother grew up in foster care. That, together with her family's extreme dysfunction, led her to addiction. I have enormous sympathy for her circumstances, and have seen her weep for her losses and what her life has become.

Aside from her addiction issues, she is a sweet, likable and respectful individual. While clearly the circumstances of our children's births are not ideal, we are so grateful to have them, and I make sure to tell our children how much she loves them and how wanted they are.

My problem is with people who ask me if she has heard of birth control, or proclaim that the authorities should just tie her tubes, or offer other simplistic solutions to a very complex issue. I know I have a far deeper understanding of the situation and have tried explaining some of it, but this takes time and often reveals more of my children's stories than I might wish.

Does Miss Manners have a kind and gentle response that reminds people that until they have walked a mile in her shoes, they are in no position to judge?

GENTLE READER: It would be tempting to respond with something like, "Birth control? What's that? I've never heard of it, either." But don't.

Rather, Miss Manners recommends a cold "I beg your pardon, but I must remind you that are talking about the mother of my children." That should at least confuse them enough to be rendered speechless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently when our family meets for dinner at a restaurant, we find that our mother has pre-ordered food and we're not allowed to see a menu or make any choices.

We're middle-aged children, and our mother insists that this is the same as visiting her house for dinner, therefore she makes the choices. I've asked her to stop doing this and she ignores my requests.

Is this appropriate host behavior? I don't like having my food chosen for me, but am I rude to insist on ordering for myself, or is the host rude for not letting me choose?

GENTLE READER: This does seem to defeat the very point of going to a restaurant, doesn't it?

Is your mother paying for the meal and therefore trying to avoid a fight over the bill while still staying within her budget? Miss Manners would ordinarily never dream of asking about money, but she is trying to eke out the rationale here.

Perhaps your mother is confusing this casual family dinner with renting a restaurant party room, where one would act as host and plan the menu?

As you are middle-aged children, at least one of you should set a good example by insisting on taking her out for dinner, asking her what she would like to eat, and requesting, when making the reservation, that the bill be presented only to the host. If this is not feasible, Miss Manners recommends that you give up, and either give in or start inviting the family to your house for dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a wonderful weekend in New York City with a friend and our two daughters, ages 9 and 12, we enjoyed a Broadway show, dinners out, sightseeing and crowd watching. At the theater, after the show was over, we were told that cast members would be at the exits collecting donations for a charity supported by the members.

As we exited, sure enough, actors were holding buckets just waiting for our cash. At the restaurant that night, the singing waiters came around and asked for donations to help them attend acting and singing classes so that they, too, could become Broadway stars.

Both situations made me feel pressured to donate to their causes, which aren't necessarily on my philanthropic list. My daughter also dug into her wallet to donate, but at 12, I don't know that she really understood what she was donating to.

Is this a new trend to solicit donations from captive audiences? How should I politely refuse to donate as the wait staff comes by my table and holds their collection cup directly in front of me?

I also see this trend at stores. When I check out, I'm asked to donate to the "cause of the week." I usually politely decline, but would rather not be asked in the first place.

GENTLE READER: Anyone who raises money for a living -- whether as a panhandler or as a professional "development" officer -- will tell you that it is hard work. It therefore amazes Miss Manners how many people voluntarily add such activities to their more immediate duties, be those serving dinner, reciting lines, or -- in an extreme but also increasingly common case -- getting married.

You may curtail your waiter's side business by appealing to his supervisor, who is unlikely to be supportive of his hope of singing his way out of the restaurant. Theater troupes and newlyweds are less likely to listen to management, assuming that it is not management that put them up to it. But you may merely smile at them, say "Thank you" to confuse them, and pass by without donating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother's wife passed several years ago, yet some family members continue using her name, to this day, in email addressed to my brother.

He is engaged again, and while we will always remember Olivia, I feel it is disrespectful not to stop addressing the email to "Olivia and Will" and have stated so.

The response has been, "He didn't tell me to stop, so I don't have to."

GENTLE READER: Shockingly, it is just possible that the relative who so responded was being serious.

Whether this is so or not, Miss Manners advises you to treat it as a misguided attempt at humor. She suggests, "I don't think joking is the kindest response to his loss and our hope that he is again finding happiness." This will be more effective than getting into an argument about whether a funeral is not sufficient notice that the person in question is no longer checking her email.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think of a daughter who sends her mother the following requirement (among others) for a "cordial" relationship with her?

"Accept that husband is going to call you by your first name. We need you never again to register a verbal or nonverbal complaint about this."

This couple both hold Ph.D.s and appear to believe they are above all rules. The mother has no objection to being called "Mrs. Smith," or has even suggested MIL or Milly (for mother-in-law) but the couple insists it's their way or the highway.

They have also pushed off their family tree an aunt who verbalized that she and her husband did not appreciate being referred to by their first names by the nephew-in-law. This couple had invited themselves to visit the now-outcast aunt. After the visit (when the aunt and uncle bent over backward to not bring up any subjects that could cause dissension), the aunt wrote that future visits would not be in the cards until nephew-in-law referred to them with their familial status.

When has it become standard practice that the younger generation calls the shots on what to call family members? Is it that courteousness has given way to higher education?

GENTLE READER: You will forgive Miss Manners for leaping to the defense -- not of these rude doctors of philosophy, but of higher education. Lower education, too, for that matter.

It has long puzzled her that reports of rudeness are often accompanied by the surprised reaction of the complainers because the offenders were supposed to have been "educated," either at college or when earning graduate degrees.

There is education and education. Miss Manners does not expect universities to teach etiquette, other than insisting that students meet their particular behavior requirements, which are usually rather broad. Nor should etiquette training be expected in lower schools, where --just to have a workable classroom -- teachers have the burden of doing the parents' job in addition to their own.

Home education should include not only the etiquette rules necessary to navigate life, but the underlying principles of manners. These include respect (such as addressing people as they wish to be addressed), fairness (granting others the privileges one claims for oneself) and congeniality (not using threats as an argument).

Apparently this couple failed home education. If you attempt to do remedial work, Miss Manners suggests lecturing first on the principles before taking up the example of name choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a teenage boy who apparently has impregnated a teenage girl. She says she's in love with me still, but also she will not get an abortion and insists that I pay support. I think this is all mood swings. How do I support her morally but not monetarily?

GENTLE READER: That is neither a moral nor a legal position. Miss Manners trusts that the young lady's lawyer will explain that to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)