DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it customary to put return postage on envelopes for RSVPs in invitations, or does one expect that the guest should pay for his or her own postage for the return? It seems that if I expect the invitee to send the card back, I should make it as convenient as possible.

GENTLE READER: Maybe you should also enclose a pre-inked stamp offering the choice of yes or no (or thumbs up or thumbs down, if that's easier on the eyes), and a tiny vial of water so your guests would not be put to the trouble of licking the envelope.

Miss Manners roundly condemns people who are so rude as to fail to respond to invitations. But she finds it exasperating when the injured hosts ascribe excuses and pathetic when they think of how to placate them.

The response card itself was invented as one such pathetic attempt. As if initiating a response were an unreasonably onerous task, compared to, say, the job of planning for the pleasure and refreshment of others.

Surely you do not think that people of good will simply ignore those who are offering to entertain them because of the difficulty in finding or affixing a stamp. And anyone who thinks of bringing up the cost might consider the value received from the host.

What errant guests actually admit is that they don't respond because they don't know if they will feel like going when the time comes. Then they will just show up or not. An equally rude variation on this is to accept the invitation but not consider it binding.

So making it easier is not likely to help. It is those guests who make it harder on the host, who must keep prompting to get answers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married in September and has chosen not to have a traditional rehearsal dinner. His father and I are going to pay for his wedding dinner and brunch the morning after. We also want to invite our out-of-towners and bridal party for cocktails and appetizers the night before the wedding.

The restaurant is happy to accommodate us for dinner. But I don't know how to create an invitation that invites our friends and family to join us after the cocktail hour and to have dinner on their own. Do you have some great copy on how to do this delicately, along with a response card so that I can get a count for the restaurant?

I want this to be a celebration for the bride and groom and not worry about the additional costs associated with the dinner.

GENTLE READER: This is a situation that could work out easily, when your guests see that you are staying on to dinner, and might naturally ask to join you. Or they might just make their own reservations.

Miss Manners understands that you are doing a lot in connection with this wedding, and has no complaint about your ending your hospitality that evening with the cocktail party, while still being available for further conviviality for whoever chooses to hang around. She would only like to disabuse you of the notion that you can act as hosts while delegating that worry about the cost to people you call guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Early in the school year, we received a request from the advancement director of the parochial school where our son attends kindergarten, requesting the addresses of his grandparents. The initial correspondence suggested that the school was looking to "build relationships" and hoping to invite grandparents into the school for various activities with the students.

With the grandparents' permission, I provided the school with their addresses, and the grandparents subsequently received an invitation for a Grandparents Day event months ago. Now, long after that event, the grandparents report that they received a letter from the school requesting donations.

Does this qualify as "building relationships"? Isn't this more or less a tacky bait-and-hook scheme? Am I wrong to be offended?

When I request that the grandparents' contact information be removed from the school's database, should I explain why?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners has found that people are reluctant to define a relationship as anything but a financial transaction. (Look at how many people don't consider themselves married unless they spend thousands on an over-the-top wedding reception.)

By all means, let the school know why you are requesting that your parents' information be removed. They should be aware that when you provide contact information for specific events, those are not blanket invitations to ask for money:

"I'm afraid my parents were not expecting to be solicited for fundraising. If it is possible to keep them only on the grandparent social events list, then they are happy to remain there. But if there are not separate lists, kindly remove them, and I will let them know about any pertinent social events for the school."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to scream in a shrill voice in crowds? I am so tired of having my eardrum ruptured by screaming girls and women at social events.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it is also presumptuous to assume that those shrill voices are limited to one gender.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have lived in this neighborhood for over 30 years, and many of our neighbors have lived here for over 40 years. As you have surmised, we are all older than dirt.

Over the years we have done many favors for the neighbors, like taking in mail or feeding cats when they are out of town, and were glad to do these favors.

Now some people are getting to the point that they cannot stay in their houses without sustained weekly help -- and they expect us to provide this help. I feel that I created this expectation by gladly doing so much in the past, and their feelings will be hurt if I draw the line.

But I want to draw the line. How do I handle this?

GENTLE READER: By stating that you are similarly older than dirt and don't have the energy or means. As a kinder way to do this, Miss Manners suggests: "Oh, I'm afraid we don't feel properly equipped to help you with the frequency and manner you require. Perhaps we can help you look into a service that checks in on you and does errands on a weekly basis. We may need the same service ourselves someday soon, so we would be happy to help do the research."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enter the small waiting room of a professional whom I visit for professional services. As I open the door, its lower edge disturbs mail that is lying on the floor, having been delivered through a slot. I gently shift the mail with my foot to save it from being mangled by the door, and take a seat.

Would it be impolite (an intrusion) to gather the mail and put it on the nearby small shelf? Is it impolite (negligent of an ordinary courtesy) to leave the slightly mussed mail on the floor?

GENTLE READER: Yes, to your second quandary. It is not, as implied in your first, impolite to touch someone else's mail.

Touching, Miss Manners hastens to add, does not include shaking it and listening for the result, holding it up to a strong light source or sniffing it. Leaving someone else's possession in a place where it is likely to come to harm (such as the floor of a busy waiting room) is impolite, as is placing it somewhere where it will become lost (such as on a shelf intended for medical samples) or not readily visible.

Touching something with your shoe, gently or otherwise, is not always a show of disrespect (Miss Manners is thinking now of soccer), but she cannot think of any situation in which it displays respect.

Pick up the letters and give them to the next resident professional with whom you come into contact. Innocent as was the way in which you acquired the letters, it will still be best to explain the circumstances rather than leave the owner to jump to the wrong conclusion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a company of approximately 400 people and was tasked with collecting a signed policy from all of these people. When I sent the form out via email, I started the title with the word "Mandatory" and gave everyone a deadline over three weeks away.

The deadline arrived, and I had received only about 275 responses. When I sent out a reminder (about one month after the original notice), I titled it "Mandatory Still Means You Have To." In the text of the message I said, "While hundreds of our employees did this, I haven't received yours yet."

Did I cross any etiquette lines with this wording? (For what it's worth, I got about 75 percent of the late people to respond.)

GENTLE READER: You did cross a line, but not the one you think.

Business etiquette allows a more direct approach than is permissible in the private sphere. But your attempt to cajole lightly was unbusinesslike. It was also unnecessary and likely counterproductive, as emails are notorious at not conveying tone: For every employee who took the subject line of your follow-up email as light humor, there will be another who took it as offensive sarcasm.

Give employees an initial deadline, send them reminders, and, if all else fails, call in higher authority. Miss Manners will forgive you if your email is addressed only to the guilty individual -- and therefore suggests, without saying, that he or she is alone in transgressing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)