DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went to a bookstore/coffee place and looked forward to a relaxing moment. Within seconds, we realized we were not sitting in the right area.

A woman was hooked up to her computer with a headset and was speaking above a normal level to explain her publishing company's products and ask for feedback. We gently looked her way, but she was in full work mode.

We tried moving, and only on our third move were we able to get away from really distracting noise. There also has been an increase of workers on computers in coffee shops, where they take up seats for long periods of time.

In your gentle way of restoring civility to our culture, could you please comment on this?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but you may not like it. If Miss Manners banned people who worked on their computers or talked on their phones in public places, she would do little else. And she would likely shut down businesses everywhere.

Is it the volume of the call or its content to which you object? For either, you could say, "I am so sorry, but we do not want to disturb your phone call with our chatter. Perhaps a quiet corner would be more conducive to your getting things done."

If that does not work -- and if moving and throwing glances are also not effective -- then you may ask the establishment to create and enforce rules (perhaps written and posted) that request a limit to the time spent there.

But know that it would be exceedingly difficult -- and set a frightening precedent -- to try to determine which calls are for work and which personal. Especially since most people seem to have trouble making that distinction themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a few months, my family will be relocating from a very large home in the Midwest to what we anticipate will be a much smaller home in a busy East Coast city.

My husband and I are both in our 40s, and our daughter is in elementary school. Over the years, we have acquired many nice things, including furniture, toys, books, household items, etc., which we realize we cannot take with us.

I wonder if I might have an "indoor downsizing party" with my friends, during which they could come over and select items. My thought was not to price items, but rather to allow them to contribute what they felt was appropriate. I thought it would be a fun way to help us tackle the downsizing, but I am concerned it may appear tacky. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That this is unfortunately the worst of all possible combinations.

It is neither a yard sale with price tags nor a generous donation of items for which you no longer have use. Miss Manners feels certain that what your friends will likely feel is "appropriate" is to know what kind of party they are attending. And not to have to put a value on their friends' belongings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since my husband and I both retired, I am noticing some etiquette situations with friends and acquaintances that are awkward and annoying. I am always taken aback and don't know quite how to respond to these various questions:

1. If I say that I am not up to doing something, and someone asks, "How come?"

2. When something needs doing at home and I happen to mention it, and the response is, "Why can't your husband do it?"

3. "Have you had a colonoscopy yet?"

4. "When are you going to downsize?"

5. "You need to rent a place in the South for the winter."

6. "You and your husband need to get out more."

7. "How many medications are you on?"

8. "You shouldn't be eating that."

9. "When are you going to get around to doing such-and-such?"

10. "Have you purchased your burial plots yet?"

11. "Why doesn't your husband/wife like doing such-and-such anymore?"

12. "Why do you need that at your age?"

Thank you for any suggestions!

GENTLE READER: Nice crowd you have there. Miss Manners is tempted to augment question 5 with the suggestion that you move south, or anywhere else, to get rid of them.

One suggestion will do to respond to all of these: "How kind you are to take such an interest in our business."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Donation containers for the needy by our cash registers have been relabeled for tips. I felt that was tacky, but since it didn't require any action on my part, I sought to ignore it.

Now credit card payments flag the customer screen with a yes/no question: "Would you like to leave a tip?" It then flags me that my customer (if they choose to do so) is leaving a tip ... to which I am to give a certain response.

I feel this whole tip thing is tacky and rather rude. If I am going to receive a tip, I don't think I should be informed of it. I've seen many price increases, and to ask the customer to give yet more money seems wrong. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That more people should patronize the restaurants that have decided to abolish tipping. Miss Manners is puzzled that customers don't seem to understand that they pay no more when the cost of labor is built into the prices, and spare themselves possible embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I invite a guest, sometimes before they accept my invitation they say they need to see what's going on that night. Should I rescind the offer so I can invite someone I know will come?

I'm not sure I like the "maybe, man" attitude. I would either decline or accept. There should be no middle ground. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your response should be, "Well, perhaps another time." However, Miss Manners does not recommend that you name another time -- ever. Why would you want to entertain someone who so clearly hopes that something better will come along?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Which of the following correctly describes the reason for including a dress code with an invitation?

-- To sharpen your rapier wit on your would-be guests.

-- To inspire your friends to reach new heights of sartorial creativity, challenging them to think "outside the box." (Inside the box there is now so much unclaimed real estate that those of us still in residence are not coming out, barring actual flooding.)

-- To sow confusion.

If you chose any or all of the above, you may join the majority of your fellow citizens who celebrate their individuality by conforming as strictly as possible to the prejudices of their peers. It is more crowded in this box than Miss Manners had thought.

The purpose of a dress code is to save your guests from having to guess what is expected, while comforting them that if they wear what is asked, they will not spend the evening dodging dirty looks from a partner -- or having to regale friends with the hilarious story of how their ties got caught in the car door.

Miss Manners would have thought this would be appreciated by the perpetually overbooked and uncomfortable Modern Lady and Gentleman.

Such is not the case.

Miss Manners does realize that some of the more fanciful dress codes are intended to be humorous and playful, but there are places where humor does not belong. Fire exit signs and confessions that you wrecked your parents' car come to mind.

A proper dress code should be understandable to its intended audience. Once upon a time, it was understood that "formal" meant white tie, "informal" meant black tie, and the absence of a direction was what some now term "business attire." Decades of improvisation have destroyed that understanding, relegating such terms to the waste bin of useless words, where they sit next to "semiformal" and "inflammable," awaiting a final disposal that never comes.

"Black tie," "jacket and tie," and, in the case of public accommodations, "no flip-flops" lack joie de vivre, but they make up for it in intelligibility.

Notice that most dress codes specify what is expected of the gentleman, rather than the lady. One would think husbands would be used to this by now, but the reason for it is practical. Male clothing, particularly as it increases in formality, is more prescribed than female clothing. Who, other than the owner, can say which is a lady's second-best dress?

If all this is too much for you when issuing invitations, there is no requirement to specify a dress code at all. The smart (though confused) guest will call and ask, and you may then discuss it at as great length as you feel up to. At least it will take less time than trying to parse the differences between "cocktail attire," "smart casual," "tea party dress," "country club wear" and "after-5 attire."

As for "business casual," Miss Manners suspects that it is not a dress code at all, but an accounting practice, accessorized with handcuffs and subpoenas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long do you have to send out wedding thank-you cards?

GENTLE READER: Starting from the time that each gift arrives, until you get to the end of the list of people to whom you should be thankful. And, Miss Manners decrees, not a minute longer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)