DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper about gifts given at Christmas -- i.e., a tablet, jewelry or other expensive items -- when there is a breakup two weeks later?

GENTLE READER: Don’t tell Miss Manners that the person who received these presents wasn’t already planning to end the relationship. It is not customary to lavish luxuries on someone you are about to dismiss. On the contrary, it might have been a pathetic attempt to hold on, which the recipient knew was already doomed.

So yes, please give it all back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I receive business calls, the callers say, “Is [my name] there?” Or “I’m calling for [my name].”

I have always thought it was correct for a caller to identify him- or herself before asking to speak with the person they are calling, especially if the caller is not known. This behavior is annoying to me, but am I being too fussy by clinging to past standards of propriety?

GENTLE READER: It is not the standards that are past so much as the technology. People are getting used to the fact that their names appear to the recipients of their calls, even before the telephone is answered -- which is why it often isn’t.

But while Miss Manners asks you to understand this, she advises you to achieve your objective by asking, “Who is calling, please?” before you admit to being you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spend the holidays with dear family friends whom I’ve known my entire life. It falls to the family matriarch to host the meals, as “she has the perfect house for it” and “everyone loves Mom’s cooking.” She enjoys it, but it’s tiring for her. My own house is tiny, but I help as much as I can by bringing desserts and side dishes.

At the end of the meal, the adult children excuse themselves to have a walk or a nap. The grandchildren -- who range in age from 10 to 35 -- and the spouses of the older ones excuse themselves to play with the dog or their phones, or to toss around a ball. Maybe one other person and myself clear the table and do the dishes.

I am more than happy to help our exhausted hostess, but I resent cleaning up after able-bodied children and teenagers (especially as I always did cleanup duty when I was their age).

As I am not a blood relative, I can’t suggest they change their family tradition to lighten the load on their mother, nor can I correct their children’s manners. Frankly, I’m shocked that a 10-year-old isn’t asked to clear her own plate or help her elderly grandmother at all. Is there anything I can say?

GENTLE READER: As you point out, it is neither your house nor your family. Criticism is not in order.

However, Miss Manners wants to help, although not by clearing the table. She suggests, at the end of the meal but before people have left the table, you say heartily, “I’m volunteering to head the cleanup crew, so our hostess can relax. Who wants to join?”

At least some of them will not be able to slink away fast enough.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young college-student friend has begun working as a waitress at an inexpensive, off-campus restaurant catering to students. One evening, she served a group of eight, and even though one of the students recognized her as a classmate, they behaved like spoiled, demanding brats during their two-hour meal.

Upon receiving their bill of less than $100 for the group, they demanded eight separate checks, haggled over the tax calculation, and departed without leaving a single penny tip. My fragile young friend, who cannot survive on the $2.50 or so per hour minimum wage she receives, was left in tears.

My reaction would have been to explode in outrage, but I would like to know how the more genteel Miss Manners would have handled the situation.

GENTLE READER: Tipping and haggling are awkward and unseemly practices under the best of circumstances. And they are considerably more so when the process is executed by young people navigating their finances for the first time. Or who come seeking discounts or other advantages that your friend could not provide, nor need try to.

Ordinarily, Miss Manners would suggest that your friend avoid such tables, citing a conflict of interests, but if the restaurant is frequented by her classmates, it may prove impossible. Since the job seems to be neither lucrative nor good for your niece’s collegiate and social life, Miss Manners strongly recommends that if at all possible, she seek employment elsewhere. Exploding in outrage would have given her no choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are discussing keeping our names. We haven’t decided anything yet, but it seems like that will be the route we end up going.

We have already received a housewarming gift from my fiance’s parents that displays his last name, and are wondering if there is an acceptable way to announce our decision so we can avoid more gifts like that. We are also thinking about possible checks addressed to a person who doesn’t exist.

GENTLE READER: Correspondence that bears your names ahead of the wedding will not help, as it is what you do with them afterwards that is relevant. Some presents are bound to be wrong, and word-of-mouth faulty, particularly since you have not even made a decision yet.

There are, however, ways of announcing this after the wedding. A quaint one that might get their attention is an “at home” card, notifying friends that you are back from your wedding trip and ready as a married couple to receive guests:

Ms. Lanie Antwerp

and

Mr. Roger Fairbank

After [date of return]

[Address]

Perhaps more useful is a card with your names and address in the upper right corner, which you can keep using for invitations and enclosures with presents.

But there will still be some who get it wrong. Miss Manners asks you to be forgiving, sparing them lectures about the patriarchy and your independence.

As for banks, most are understanding and will accommodate checks if you bring in proof of the marriage or joint residence. As annoying as this is, it may still prove easier than rehabilitating a stubborn mother-in-law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband will be having outpatient surgery with almost no risk to his life, but his recovery will be long and painful, with months of physical therapy and many restrictions on what he can do as he recuperates.

His mother, who lives several states away from us, knows that he needs the surgery, but does not yet know the date. She wants to be here when it is done.

The biggest problem with having her for a visit at this time is her dog, whom she refers to as her “favorite son.” She refuses to go anywhere, including our home, without him. She bought him a service-dog jacket and forces her way into any and all places she might want to go with him.

I like dogs, as does her son. That is, any dog but hers. The animal is hyper, aggressive and destructive. It never stops barking. It uses the upholstered furniture as a toilet and tears curtains off walls. It is always underfoot. It fights our dog, and has been the cause of trips to the emergency vet. It has bitten everyone in our family at least once.

She “disciplines” her dog with hugs and kisses and baby-talk scolding, but refuses to control it or allow us to do so. There have been many ugly scenes causing many hard feelings.

My husband needs peace and quiet. He cannot break up dogfights or risk a fall tripping over her dog. I need to be able to pay attention to his needs, not spend the time arguing with his mother and cleaning up the dog’s messes.

Since she has lied more than once about leaving her dog at home (the dog was “just too sad,” and we are “being mean”), we do not trust her to respect boundaries.

So, it seems that we must tell her that neither of them may visit. Is there a polite yet firm way to tell her this? She may be very obtuse about what she is doing to her relationship with her son and grandkids, but she is over-the-top sensitive about feeling rejected herself.

GENTLE READER: “I’m afraid that we can’t accept visitors while Horatio is recovering. We’ll let you know when the doctor says it’s OK for us to do so.”

Notice that while Miss Manners’ wording invokes your doctor’s authority, it does not strictly implicate him in a lie. Still, given your mother-in-law’s apparent obstinance, it would not be a bad idea to ask for something from him in writing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On occasion, at the gym, the person who starts using the treadmill next to me does not use headphones to listen to his/her device.

If I could come up with a polite way to let the person know that I would appreciate it if he or she left an empty treadmill between us, I think, he or she would gladly comply. But said the wrong way, I believe this request could create great antagonism. Is there a polite way to make this request?

GENTLE READER: “Oh, I love that song. I’ll have to put it on my playlist. But in the meantime, do you mind wearing your headphones so that I can listen to the ones I chose?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)