Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Standing at an airport carousel waiting for my luggage, I noticed two small children playing with the moving belt by running their hands along the edge. Their (I assume) mother was some distance away, engaged in conversation, so I spoke sharply and firmly to the children, “Stop doing that!” And they stopped.

As expected, since my words had attracted her attention, I received a nasty rebuke from the mom. Fortunately, my bag arrived, so I grabbed it and walked away without a word.

Did I handle this situation properly? What would you have done? Also, please alert parents of the danger to little hands and feet from the moving belts that are everywhere in our world (airport carousels, supermarket cashier stations, escalators). Most airports have clearly posted warning signs to that effect.

GENTLE READER: Correcting other people’s children is allowed to prevent imminent harm, and baggage carousels undoubtedly qualify. Even if the machinery does not grab them, there are heavy suitcases to worry about.

The intervention, however, still requires tact: a look of concern, an explanation (“Be careful! There is a heavy bag behind you”). Miss Manners recommends this be applied both to the children and to the inattentive parent. This may not save you from a harsh rebuke, but it will generate sympathetic glares from passersby.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, a friend’s brother passed and I did not attend the viewing or funeral. Now another brother passed, and I would like to attend the viewing. Is this OK? I really don’t have a good reason why I didn’t attend last year’s funeral.

GENTLE READER: Having missed the first is not a reason to miss the second. Grieving relatives are unlikely to quiz you about last year, but, if asked, Miss Manners suggests you express your profound regret that you were unable to attend the first viewing, and change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a friendly neighborhood that I enjoy. However, I have been surprised a few times by neighbors who have knocked on my door, asked to come in, and then asked for a tour of my home.

These are people I’ve seen at neighborhood meetings, not people with whom I socialize -- due to the gossipy behavior that I’ve observed, which isn’t my cup of tea. Do you have any responses I can use to avoid their requests to come in, and their further requests to be given a tour?

GENTLE READER: The answer -- to be delivered while standing in the doorway -- is, “I’m sorry, now isn’t a good time,” accompanied by nervous glances over your shoulder.

The glances are meant to convey the idea that something unspecified is going to go terribly wrong if you do not extricate yourself from this conversation quickly. If the neighbor persists, repeat that this is not a good time and ask if they have a card so you can contact them. Miss Manners is aware that most people do not carry personal cards any more, but as you do not want the information anyway, this should not be an impediment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be graduating from high school in June. She has chosen to enter a four-year apprenticeship program for a union trade.

She would like to have a graduation party, and we would like to host one for her. But a friend questioned whether we should be having such a party since she won’t be attending college, and it might be tacky for my daughter to accept monetary gifts from guests since she won’t be using the money at college.

The friend stated that I might want to put something on the invitation about my daughter not attending college. I do not agree with her thinking. I want to have a celebration for her accomplishments throughout high school, and to also commend her on her choice to enter into an apprenticeship program. We are not having the party for the monetary gifts; we are having the party for our relatives and friends to celebrate our daughter’s accomplishments.

Please help me in preparing a response to naysayers who do not support our choice to have a party!!!!

GENTLE READER: Your friend’s logic is admirably inflexible, if entirely appalling: that the purpose of the party is to raise money from your near-and-dear; that your daughter will be earning, not spending, money; and that therefore, the party cannot go forward.

Miss Manners is surprised that your friend did not anticipate the possibility of expenses during the apprenticeship, but perhaps she was also sneering at your daughter’s plans.

The answer to such objections is the one you gave -- the party is a celebration, not a fundraiser -- though Miss Manners wonders how necessary (or possible) it is to convince such a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been asked for a good way to remind our senior volunteers of their commitments to work a couple of hours a week at the public library bookshelf, where we sell used books and donate the money back to the library. I have just assumed the bookshelf management job, and have never had responsibility over volunteer workers.

GENTLE READER: Managing volunteers requires both firmness and tact. Firmness, in treating the duties enough like a normal job that volunteers comply. And tact, in that you must be more patient and understanding of partial or noncompliance -- and more effusive in expressing gratitude for work done -- than a boss who is signing paychecks.

In the case you describe, Miss Manners recommends something as simple and direct as a sign-up sheet, perhaps followed by an automatic reminder.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a man in my mid-20s who has started a much-overdue habit of writing physical thank-you notes and personal letters, rather than emails or text messages.

I’m a bit self-conscious about my sloppy penmanship. If I type up personal, heartfelt words on good stationery and sign my own name by hand, will it still be considered appropriate as I continue to practice my penmanship?

GENTLE READER: Handwritten notes are appreciated for the effort they demonstrate -- and too often for their quaint rarity -- not for their legibility. Miss Manners suggests there is therefore no reason to delay handwriting the whole letter, particularly as it will simultaneously provide the needed practice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are my polite options when two people on either side of my seat lean across me and talk to each other for an extended conversation? (I am the stranger; they seem to know each other.) This has happened on airplanes, at children’s programs and at the opera.

I’d like to be friendly, but often one person holds my arm back to keep me out of their way! I object to the touching, and also, of course, to the assumption that I don’t exist or don’t matter. I’ve pulled out a book and positioned it strategically on a plane, to some effect, but this isn’t appropriate at performances. Must I simply endure until they are finished?

GENTLE READER: Offer to change seats. This is more likely to be accepted in theaters than on airplanes, where no one wants the middle seat. But if you stand up and move into the aisle when you offer, Miss Manners would think they would find it awkward not to accept.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve seen two professional orchestral conductors wearing a white cummerbund with the white tie and tails of a man’s formal evening suit. Is the white pique waistcoat no longer the proper garment to wear with this suit? Fortunately, conductors have their back turned to us most of the time.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately. You are correct, but Miss Manners has seen worse on podiums, where a male desire to mess with formality has spread from the red carpet. A charitable explanation would be that the waistcoat somehow restricts those wildly waving arms.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s good friend is getting married to someone I have never been comfortable with; something about her did not feel right. When the invitation was received, my first and last name were spelled wrong, while my husband’s were not.

My husband got upset and emailed his friend, who responded, “not my lane.” There have been a few emails back and forth, with the last one offering to resend the invitation.

At this point, I am not wanting to attend the wedding because I feel this was intentional. Has this gone too far? Am I being too sensitive? Does the Big Day trump courtesy and etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Are you spoiling for a fight?

Call her naive, but Miss Manners has a hard time imagining any bride chortling as she deliberately misspells a guest’s name, thinking, “That’ll show her what I think of her.”

For that matter, your letter contained a misspelling and a missing apostrophe, which Miss Manners kindly supplied. But now you are worrying her: Had you put them there in order to insult her?

It is unpleasant to have one’s name misspelled, and people are often shockingly careless about their guest lists. But while having a Big Day is no excuse, it is hard to interpret extending a wedding invitation as a hostile act worthy of destroying a friendship. However, your husband might try pleading having had a Bad Day to excuse his quibbling to his friend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)