DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that it’s rude to tell people that they are being rude. But I have an acquaintance who has figured out how to use this rule to her advantage.

She will ask something intrusive or personal (e.g. “How much did you pay for your house?” or “Why don’t you want to have children?”) and, before I can hem and haw or change the subject, she will add, “Oh, but you don’t have to answer that if you think I’m rude for asking.”

Ha! See what she did there? Now, if I don’t answer her nosy question, I’m basically calling her rude, right?

GENTLE READER: Your acquaintance is not the etiquette expert she supposes. Like non-lawyers who read about a law and believe they have caught a logical fallacy overlooked by legal scholars -- only to discover that law school teaches more than persnicketiness -- your acquaintance may be surprised that she has trapped not you, but herself. What you think about your acquaintance’s behavior is not rude unless you give it actual voice. Instead, smile knowingly and change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were excluded from a nephew’s wedding. We do not mind; my husband’s is a large family, and we understand the difficulties of managing competing needs and budgets when putting together wedding guest lists. We are at a more distant location than others who were included, and have only met the bride on one occasion.

There was an awkward moment or two (outside of the bride or groom’s presence) when other aunts and uncles assumed we were attending, and inquired about our travel plans. Those queries were smoothed over without hurt feelings.

Then I received an invitation to the bridal shower on a Sunday afternoon, nearly five hours away. Since attending would have required me to take a day off work for travel, I took pleasure instead in choosing and sending a gift, along with joyful best wishes.

But we began to wonder: Was it possible that an invitation to the wedding had gone missing in the mail? We reasoned that if an invitation was sent, in the absence of a response, they would have called us to inquire whether we were coming. Did we do right in not inquiring whether a wedding invitation was sent or intended?

Now, in the absence of an acknowledgment of the gift I sent, I also wonder if the gift was ever received by the bride. Asking whether it arrived would be embarrassing, and somehow feel like a reference to our absence at the wedding. How can I get over feeling ... miffed?

GENTLE READER: Being in the etiquette business, Miss Manners can only indirectly help you unmiffle your own feelings about the situation -- by providing a solution if the problem recurs.

Asking the bride if you were invited puts her in an untenable position if you were not. You may, however, ask a close common relative, so long as you make it clear that you are truly not offended if you were omitted, and that you are not fishing for an invitation. The same relative may be asked if the gift was ever received.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the past few decades, restaurants have become much less relaxing and enjoyable. The noise level in many high-end dining establishments has become painful and obnoxious.

Sometimes I have been unable to converse with the person at the table with me because I cannot hear him, and he is unable to hear me. I have a vocal cord abnormality that prevents me from talking loudly to compete with the unnerving background noise. Although I always request a “quiet table,” I don’t often get one, because they don’t seem to exist anymore.

My friends who have traveled to France recently report that in that country, restaurants are quiet, even when young children are dining with their parents -- except for the voices of tourists.

I think that many restaurateurs prefer a high decibel level in their establishments in order to create the illusion of energy, and to turn tables over quickly by having people like me leave fast.

Frequently the noise level is elevated by the “background” music, which is louder than I prefer, so that diners have to talk above the level of the music. Once, when I requested that a waitperson turn down the music, he said he was not authorized to do so!

Sometimes the noise is due to the construction of the restaurants themselves, with no soft walls, ceilings or floor coverings to absorb the sound of excruciating, screechy conversation. Sometimes, however, the noise is from a handful of inappropriate people who are screaming at their table.

I am not privy to the blood alcohol level of those people, but they ruin my dining experience and make me want to get carryout and entertain at my quiet home. Few high-end restaurants offer carryout service, however. How do you recommend that I handle this problem?

GENTLE READER: By patronizing restaurants that will tell you on request that they have a reasonable decibel level. There are such places, and although they are admittedly rare, you don’t have to go abroad to find them. But you may have to ask to go elsewhere to escape loud drunks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, bridal showers were theme-based. Now, they send a list of where the bride is registered. I thought this was reserved for the wedding gift.

When I choose a shower gift from this list, I pick a less expensive one, if possible, and later choose a pricier wedding gift. Some of the shower gifts are very expensive. Could these be combination shower/wedding gifts? I feel rather cheap at this point. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Stop feeling cheap. Registries aim to do that by taking away your judgment -- not only about what you want to buy, but also about how much you intend to spend. Those on the receiving end are not the most impartial judges of your abilities.

Miss Manners is aware that registries have enabled many brides to collect double wedding presents from the same people. However, you are not required to enable this practice. A shower is by nature an informal event, requiring only small presents -- preferably of the giver’s own choosing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine will soon be moving to Europe. She is unhappily anticipating all kinds of disparaging questions about American politics, having had these unpleasant exchanges when she lived in Europe before.

The questions typically run along the lines of “How can Americans vote for that candidate?” or “How can they support such a policy?” -- delivered in such a way as to imply that Americans are stupid or naive.

We were hoping you could suggest a way to respond to unkind opinions masquerading as curiosity, which would neither indicate that she agrees with the opinions nor open the subject to an unpleasant disagreement about politics.

GENTLE READER: Your relative should be studying the politics of the country in which she will be living. This is not only a responsible thing to do, but it will doubtless provide ample material for a more general discussion of controversial voters and politicians, on whom no country seems to have a monopoly.

This should turn the conversation into what Miss Manners would consider a not-unpleasant examination of political problems. But that requires others to speak realistically about their own issues. If they do not, but insist on bashing America, no American should accept that, any more than the bashers would accept insults to their country.

Politeness does not require accepting insults. To admonish them without creating a scene, she should say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. We Americans have our problems and our differences, as do all countries, but I’m proud of being an American.” A stiff delivery should at least lead them to backpedal and apologize.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was out with friends at a local brewery, and we engaged in a block-building parlor game. The game was progressing quite feverishly when another group next to our table started filming us on their phones.

We attempted to pretend they were not filming, but by the end of the game, 3 out of 4 of them were pointing their phones at us and commenting as they filmed. They engaged us in a brief conversation after our game was completed, and then we offered the game to them.

How do you politely ask someone not to film you, and how did these people not know it made us feel uncomfortable? We are in our 40s, and this group looked younger. Do younger people feel more comfortable being filmed?

I, like most of my friends, prefer anonymity, and felt it was a violation of my privacy. But I could not find the words to ask them not to film us -- especially while they were filming us. Nobody wants to go viral for being incendiary these days.

GENTLE READER: If that is what stops people from rude explosions, then public exposure is not all bad.

It puzzles Miss Manners that nastiness is the first defense that comes to people’s minds when the alternative is so simple. It is entirely possible that these people think everyone is flattered to be filmed.

The polite way to tell them to stop is to say, “Please stop filming us.” Should they persist, you should stop playing your game and either complain to management or simply move away.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)