DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been accepted by two graduate schools, which is very exciting! I have already put the deposit down on one, and plan to go there since it seems it will fit my life and learning style best. I was wondering: What is the proper way to decline the other school?

GENTLE READER: There is an argument to be made that applying to a school is a business transaction, meaning that the university, as the seller, should be content with a simple, “Thank you, but I’ve decided not to enroll.”

Miss Manners is not, however, confident that you will never need them again -- whether for the next graduate degree, employment when you graduate, or when your university of choice turns out to be on a flood plain.

She therefore advises the extra effort of telling them how grateful you are to have been accepted, how impressed you were by their program, and how much it pains you not to be able to accept.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If my husband and I go out to dinner with our two adult children, we pay most of the time. The kids always make a point of saying “Thanks, DAD.”

If I cook a meal at home for the family, I may or may not receive a thank-you from these same adult children. What gives, and should I say something about it?

GENTLE READER: It is worth allowing for the possibility that they are saying, “Thanks, Dad” rather than “Thanks, DAD.” The former could be an unthinking habit, perhaps because your husband is the one physically making the payment.

Miss Manners does not therefore approve the status quo. Both parents should be thanked for both activities, although thanks for everyday cooking more often takes the form of a compliment on the results. Teaching your children this lesson does not fall solely to you as their mother, but it does land on either you or your husband.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter’s in-laws host small parties, and extend invitations to me through my daughter, saying to her, “Tell your dad he’s invited.”

The in-laws have my phone number and are known to send texts. Is it too much to expect a phone call, or even a simple text, directly from the hosts for such invitations? Do such indirect invitations reflect an insincere wish for my attendance, perhaps just for the sake of maintaining appearances?

GENTLE READER: They do show a lack of effort. It is up to you to question -- delicately -- whether they show a lack of sincerity.

Next time your daughter relays the message, tell her that you appreciate that they do not want to exclude you. But you are old-fashioned enough to recognize that these invitations are merely an afterthought, and you therefore will not be burdening them by attending. Your daughter will attempt to convince you that you are mistaken. Assure her that you are not complaining, that you like them very much -- and that you will certainly accept any direct invitations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that it’s rude to tell people that they are being rude. But I have an acquaintance who has figured out how to use this rule to her advantage.

She will ask something intrusive or personal (e.g. “How much did you pay for your house?” or “Why don’t you want to have children?”) and, before I can hem and haw or change the subject, she will add, “Oh, but you don’t have to answer that if you think I’m rude for asking.”

Ha! See what she did there? Now, if I don’t answer her nosy question, I’m basically calling her rude, right?

GENTLE READER: Your acquaintance is not the etiquette expert she supposes. Like non-lawyers who read about a law and believe they have caught a logical fallacy overlooked by legal scholars -- only to discover that law school teaches more than persnicketiness -- your acquaintance may be surprised that she has trapped not you, but herself. What you think about your acquaintance’s behavior is not rude unless you give it actual voice. Instead, smile knowingly and change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were excluded from a nephew’s wedding. We do not mind; my husband’s is a large family, and we understand the difficulties of managing competing needs and budgets when putting together wedding guest lists. We are at a more distant location than others who were included, and have only met the bride on one occasion.

There was an awkward moment or two (outside of the bride or groom’s presence) when other aunts and uncles assumed we were attending, and inquired about our travel plans. Those queries were smoothed over without hurt feelings.

Then I received an invitation to the bridal shower on a Sunday afternoon, nearly five hours away. Since attending would have required me to take a day off work for travel, I took pleasure instead in choosing and sending a gift, along with joyful best wishes.

But we began to wonder: Was it possible that an invitation to the wedding had gone missing in the mail? We reasoned that if an invitation was sent, in the absence of a response, they would have called us to inquire whether we were coming. Did we do right in not inquiring whether a wedding invitation was sent or intended?

Now, in the absence of an acknowledgment of the gift I sent, I also wonder if the gift was ever received by the bride. Asking whether it arrived would be embarrassing, and somehow feel like a reference to our absence at the wedding. How can I get over feeling ... miffed?

GENTLE READER: Being in the etiquette business, Miss Manners can only indirectly help you unmiffle your own feelings about the situation -- by providing a solution if the problem recurs.

Asking the bride if you were invited puts her in an untenable position if you were not. You may, however, ask a close common relative, so long as you make it clear that you are truly not offended if you were omitted, and that you are not fishing for an invitation. The same relative may be asked if the gift was ever received.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the past few decades, restaurants have become much less relaxing and enjoyable. The noise level in many high-end dining establishments has become painful and obnoxious.

Sometimes I have been unable to converse with the person at the table with me because I cannot hear him, and he is unable to hear me. I have a vocal cord abnormality that prevents me from talking loudly to compete with the unnerving background noise. Although I always request a “quiet table,” I don’t often get one, because they don’t seem to exist anymore.

My friends who have traveled to France recently report that in that country, restaurants are quiet, even when young children are dining with their parents -- except for the voices of tourists.

I think that many restaurateurs prefer a high decibel level in their establishments in order to create the illusion of energy, and to turn tables over quickly by having people like me leave fast.

Frequently the noise level is elevated by the “background” music, which is louder than I prefer, so that diners have to talk above the level of the music. Once, when I requested that a waitperson turn down the music, he said he was not authorized to do so!

Sometimes the noise is due to the construction of the restaurants themselves, with no soft walls, ceilings or floor coverings to absorb the sound of excruciating, screechy conversation. Sometimes, however, the noise is from a handful of inappropriate people who are screaming at their table.

I am not privy to the blood alcohol level of those people, but they ruin my dining experience and make me want to get carryout and entertain at my quiet home. Few high-end restaurants offer carryout service, however. How do you recommend that I handle this problem?

GENTLE READER: By patronizing restaurants that will tell you on request that they have a reasonable decibel level. There are such places, and although they are admittedly rare, you don’t have to go abroad to find them. But you may have to ask to go elsewhere to escape loud drunks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, bridal showers were theme-based. Now, they send a list of where the bride is registered. I thought this was reserved for the wedding gift.

When I choose a shower gift from this list, I pick a less expensive one, if possible, and later choose a pricier wedding gift. Some of the shower gifts are very expensive. Could these be combination shower/wedding gifts? I feel rather cheap at this point. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Stop feeling cheap. Registries aim to do that by taking away your judgment -- not only about what you want to buy, but also about how much you intend to spend. Those on the receiving end are not the most impartial judges of your abilities.

Miss Manners is aware that registries have enabled many brides to collect double wedding presents from the same people. However, you are not required to enable this practice. A shower is by nature an informal event, requiring only small presents -- preferably of the giver’s own choosing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)