DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should misgendering be treated the same as using an incorrect name?

If I slipped and used the wrong name while speaking to or about someone, I would apologize and correct myself. If I were to accidentally misgender someone in conversation, is simply acknowledging and correcting the mistake sufficient?

I try very hard to use requested pronouns, but I have occasionally slipped regarding a person I’ve just met (as I have occasionally done with names) and feel terrible. Surely misgendering, which is commonly done as an insult, is a more egregious offense than saying “Anne” when I mean to say “Amy.”

What is the best way to address this unintentional rudeness?

GENTLE READER: The emphasis on suiting pronouns to identity has to do with tolerance and acceptance. Therefore, Miss Manners trusts that those who expect these virtues will also practice them.

That means there should be a reasonable acceptance of the nearly universal (with the exception of successful politicians) problem of remembering names correctly, and tolerance for the difficulty, now, of the correct pronouns. It should not be assumed automatically that mistakes are --well, not mistakes, but deliberate derogatory judgments.

An apology ought to be enough to establish one’s goodwill when mistaking a name or a pronoun. However, there is a limit. You can’t keep doing it to the same person and expect it not to be considered intentional. This makes it hard on people with bad memories, who will have to develop more extensive and self-abasing apologies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an area where the residents have been ordered to stay at home because of COVID-19, and I’ve spent more time recently communicating with my friends and family through phone calls, emails or text messages, as most are in the same situation.

It has been a good opportunity to reconnect and catch up, swapping stories and comparing our similar tales of inconvenience and adjustment. However, a friend who is also in confinement, and who usually phones once a month, now calls four times a day. Her conversations range from her impassioned views on news and politics to her running low on toilet paper.

At first, it was nice to hear from her more frequently, but now it’s becoming a nuisance. What can I possibly say to make her limit her calls? There’s no sense telling her that I’m too busy to talk or that I have somewhere else to be, because obviously she knows that neither excuse is true.

GENTLE READER: It is a sad situation, and if you and your friend have any mutual acquaintances, you might suggest that they check in with her. But Miss Manners does not expect you to devote your days to endless socializing with one person.

You do have things to do: keeping in touch with other people, and perhaps that dreaded fallback of the quarantined -- household organization and chores that you had always claimed never to have the time to perform. And only under these special circumstances -- namely, that your devices are currently your only way of making sure everyone is all right -- Miss Manners will allow you to sign off on one rambling call to take another.

However, the best excuses are always no excuses. That way, there is no danger of being misbelieved or found out. So you need to learn to say, “Sorry, can’t talk now.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I made friends with a single father. He has an 11-year-old daughter who is an angel (except that she’s glued to my hip whenever they are over, taking any adult time), and a 3-year-old son who craves attention in a reckless way.

I love kids and have a knack for them, but don’t have any yet. Neither of these children has a mother figure, and they bid for my attention. I find myself essentially babysitting his kids whenever he’s over for my own peace of mind.

The little boy is a terror. On his first visit, he tried to smash a piece of electronics. But I’ve come to find him extremely intelligent, and see that he’s being destructive as the only way to get attention.

We had several conversations, and he no longer tries to smash my things; he pets my dogs nicely, instead of trying to hurt them; he won’t go near the wood stove, and is, for the most part, a little angel -- here, at least.

But I think I offended his dad. I’m aware it’s rude to parent other people’s children, but the only alternative would be to end the friendship, which I find extreme.

There has been an ongoing issue with the child touching kids at preschool. So I sat him down, explained to him how it’s disrespectful (we went over respect when he was smashing my stuff), and his dad cut me off, saying that talking to him about an issue for more than a moment makes it worse. (I’ve never seen him speak to the child except in a disciplinarian tone.)

I haven’t seen or heard from him since. It hasn’t been that long, so I doubt he’s absolved the friendship, but how do you suggest I proceed if we continue to be friends?

GENTLE READER: When it comes to the rearing of children, outsiders (those who do not live with them -- inclusive of, but not limited to, friends and grandparents) are usually only seeing part of the situation. What has worked for you and the child may not be working for his father, and vice versa.

You should, however, be able to dictate decorum in your own house, especially when it comes to the preservation of your furniture, dogs, the little boy’s life and your own sanity.

Still, you would do well to make amends proactively: “I am afraid that I have offended you when I thought I was helping. Darwin has responded so well to the chats about respect that we have had that I thought it would help him to understand how it transfers to his friends at school. But I am not the parent and I did not mean to overstep. I hope that we can continue the friendship, as we have come to love you and the children like family.”

The “like” is a critical qualifier, Miss Manners points out. It ensures that you do not cross boundaries -- and that your guests eventually go home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to drink coffee or tea during an office meeting?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary, it may actually be a requirement.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance recently introduced me to her friend by saying, “I would like you to meet Jenna. Her husband is an orthopedic surgeon.”

I felt very embarrassed by this. I am a registered architect, which my friend is aware of, yet she chose to identify me as someone’s wife.

My friend is also a young professional, so I can’t chalk it up to tradition. Did my friend assume people would be more interested knowing I was the wife of a big-shot surgeon than a middle-class architect? What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That your acquaintance’s friend was in need of orthopedic surgery.

There is the possibility that she found your husband’s career more impressive than yours, or your place in society more noteworthy as his wife. But rather than fuming during the conversation, vowing to cut off your friend forever, Miss Manners recommends that you listen and find out first.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it no longer appropriate to use linens that are old, frayed at the edges and stained (though clean)?

I have white linen table napkins that I use every day, and I love them so much I hate to retire them. When I used them for friends who’d arrived for an impromptu lunch, I realized that they looked sad and old (the linens, not the friends).

The blemishes are just tea stains that don’t bleach, not anything hideous. I guess my question is, must linens be pristine before they can be used with guests?

GENTLE READER: Napkins, like guests, wear over time, but we still entertain the ones that endure without outward offense. To be safe, however, Miss Manners suggests that you purchase new napkins for guests and use the old ones only for family -- who tend to be more forgiving of things that are aging, yet still functional.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a “sprinkle” for a friend’s second baby, and we were asked to pay $50 to attend. A link to a small registry was included in the e-invitation.

How do you feel about this concept? I was surprised to see so many internet columns condoning this modern phenomenon. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That this columnist considers the event to have very low entertainment value for the high price of admission.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started losing my hearing at age 30, and the No. 1 response I get when I say “I have hearing problems” tends to be, “What?”

This “joke” was mildly amusing the first time, but has gotten pretty old by the thousandth. My usual response is a sort of exasperated/resigned sigh, and “Oh, wow, I’ve never heard THAT one before!” or a weak smile and a “ha ha.”

Since I imagine that sarcasm is probably not very polite, I’m looking for a response that is both polite and pointed, to let the would-be comedian know that this joke is old, tiresome and not appreciated.

GENTLE READER: A concerned expression and, “Oh dear. You, too?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)