Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a university professor and a woman in her early 30s. I was attending a talk and arrived late. The only place to sit was a small couch, big enough to seat two (or perhaps three, but it would be a tight fit).

A male graduate student arrived a few minutes later. He sat down and stretched out on the couch, putting an arm on the back behind me. This felt incredibly inappropriate and overly familiar -- we don’t know each other at all, although he knows I’m a professor because I was part of an introduction session at his graduate orientation.

I worried that it undermined my authority with my colleagues and students. I gave him a look to make it clear I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he removed his arm briefly before putting it back up.

I ended up whispering sharply to him, “Do you mind?” He removed his arm then, but I was left thinking about it and wondering if I could have made the point more politely. What would you recommend? Or was I making too big of a deal of this?

GENTLE READER: Since your more subtle indications were ignored, a sharper second attempt, Miss Manners believes, was warranted.

This student’s manspread/arm-across-the-chair combo was cheeky and presumptuous. Since he did it twice, it is hard to believe that it was unintentional. But even if it had been, as a student, he would do well to learn that optics are important, no matter the intent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a co-worker whom I had not seen in 25 years. The nature of our jobs did not require much interaction, and I considered her an acquaintance rather than a personal friend.

We acknowledged each other by name, then she immediately commented, “You look different.”

I managed a weak joke about my gray hair; however, I felt the comment was rude and insulting. Unfortunately, I was stuck in an elevator with this person and had to continue the awkward conversation until we reached our destination.

I believe that one should refrain from making a comment about someone's appearance, especially someone they hardly know. You do not know their circumstances and risk treading on an individual’s privacy.

Do you think her remark was rude? How would you suggest replying to a practical stranger saying that you look different than you did 25 years ago?

GENTLE READER: “Well, yes, it’s been 25 years. I’m sure we both do.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always considered the phrase “You can come if you want to” -- as in, “I'm having a party and you can come if you want to,” or, “We're getting together for lunch and you can come if you want to” -- to be an insult.

In these cases, it sounds like I am just an afterthought and not really wanted. If the person wanted me to be there, they should say "Please come" or "Please join us." What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you can decline if you want to.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We love our neighbors, but an increasing number of them -- parents, children or both -- are appearing at our front door to sell products for fundraising purposes. We are asked to buy cookies for the Girl Scouts, popcorn for the school team, pizza for the PTA, and so on.

The money goes to good causes, and the parents are teaching their children good values, but being put on the spot in this manner makes us uncomfortable. We end up ordering something because we feel that it is rude to say no, especially when the solicitors are our neighbors and good friends. But the price of the products is usually exorbitant, and the drain on our budget is becoming substantial.

Our children are small, but we are firm that when they grow older and are asked to press doorbells, we will not do this to our neighbors.

In the meantime, is there a polite way to respond to our friends at the door? Or should we simply take out a loan?

GENTLE READER: Even if the causes are the best, Miss Manners will have to disagree about the wholesomeness of the values being inculcated.

Teaching children to feel good about shaming and extorting their neighbors, with the justification that the funds are for a good cause, strikes her as bad policy. This conviction makes it easier for her to say “no, thank you” when she answers the door.

But if that is too difficult, you could hide behind the curtains until the fundraising neighbors move on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when addressing a salesperson or clerk in a retail setting?

I have worked in retail for several years and now run my own store. It is rare that am I addressed with “Excuse me,” “Good morning,” “Hello,” etc., when someone enters with a question, whether about our merchandise or for general information (e.g., directions to another store). People simply ask their question, sometimes in a rather demanding way (or at least it feels that way).

I’m glad to answer whatever questions people have. But when someone cannot begin their inquiry with a simple greeting, or phrase it along the lines of, “Could you tell me where ...?” (as opposed to “Where’s the ...?”), the interaction feels off-putting and even a bit condescending.

GENTLE READER: The proper etiquette begins (and ends, since this is a professional setting, not a social one) with any of the greetings you propose.

But Miss Manners thinks you will have more success winning over rude customers with a pleasant counter-example -- a crisp but pleasant, “Good morning! How can I help?” -- than by any indication that they have offended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to handle it when your nose needs attention: Do you stay at the table to use a tissue, or should you excuse yourself to the restroom?

I understand the latter doesn’t offend anybody, and allows people to wash their hands. But I’ve seen plenty of people stay at the table and just use hand sanitizer afterwards.

GENTLE READER: How much attention does it need? A gentle sneeze and wipe need not require a major expedition.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the event manager at a very sexy and trendy nightclub. We host fun parties every week.

We have a regular guest who is absolutely smitten with me, but he is not my type. I feel obligated to cordially socialize with him whenever I see him, due to the customer service standards at my job.

When it comes to relationships, I firmly believe we are all entitled to our own preferences; no one should force any kind of relationship -- physical or otherwise -- for any reason. Thankfully, my employers agree with that. We have a very strong culture of consent with regards to any liaisons that happen as a result of being at our club.

The guest in question is absolutely respectful of this safe atmosphere, and has been very gracious when I decline his advances. Yet he continues to flirt with me. While I have been able to dodge his advances so far, I can’t keep this up forever. It is simply exhausting.

How do I turn him down and maintain the social relationship? To be fair, he is a pleasant gentleman -- very sweet, actually. Just not my type.

GENTLE READER: It may surprise you to hear that Miss Manners does not share your good opinion of your employers. From your description, it sounds like the interactions between customer and employee at the club are, in fact, a key part of the success of their business.

Yet your employers assert, and you accept, that these interactions are entirely social. This burdens you with all of the work of keeping customers in line, while absolving your employers of any responsibility. This is, at best, naive, but probably very dangerous.

It is time to tell your employers that you need assistance with this particular customer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I often share a bottle of wine at a restaurant. After the first glass, he doesn’t wait for the server, just pours himself more.

He will go out of his way to finish the bottle, even if it means overfilling his glass. He responds to my shocked look with, "If you want any more, you can drink from my glass."

I think this is incredibly rude. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: In contrast to rolling stones, repeated sources of friction in relationships tend to gather all sorts of stray detritus. So let us dust this one off.

Miss Manners believes you agree that it is not a crime to finish the bottle of wine you ordered. She further assures you that refilling the glasses yourselves, without the help of the waiter, is acceptable.

You were dismayed at the sight of your husband overfilling his glass, and while his retort was rude enough, it followed your shocked look, rather than having preceded it.

Was he rude, then, not to refill your glass along with his own? Yes. What you should do is to say, “Dearest, next time, would you please refill my glass when you refill your own?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)