Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a severe injury to a finger. It has since healed, but when I cook, I usually keep a bandage over the injury to protect the area.

One night I made dinner for my husband and a very close friend (who has a great sense of humor). I had the entrees placed on the table and was serving the salads when I noticed the bandage was missing.

When I sat down, I debated what I should do, but then came clean: I informed them that the bandage was missing and that I was afraid it might have ended up in a salad. They both thought it was hilarious, and jokes about the possibility of it turning up in the pizza were the order of the night.

I realize the topic is gross, and most people would likely not see the humor. However, it brought up the hypothetical discussion among us of what I would have done had this been a larger group that extended beyond the three of us.

If I had a larger group of people -- say, a dinner party of six -- and the entrees were already on the table when I discovered the bandage missing, would it be appropriate to keep quiet and hope the bandage did not show up in someone’s food? Or warn them ahead of time and completely destroy their appetites for dinner? (Since this is hypothetical, let’s say that dumping the whole dinner and ordering out is not an option.)

What say you?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners, thankful that this scenario is hypothetical, will take the opportunity to urge those who cook with injuries to wear non-hypothetical gloves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly parents and I seldom talk or visit, per my father’s wishes. I am the older of their two children, and was always the dependable, devoted daughter.

Seven years ago, my father made a derogatory comment towards my husband and I over politics at a family gathering, and when I objected to him and my mother privately, he decided that I wouldn’t be included in future family events.

In the years since, both my father and my brother have told many mutual friends and relatives about our rift, but have told different versions to different people, none of which are true.

I am regularly approached by well-intentioned acquaintances, urging me to mend fences with my grieving parents; I never know what story they’ve heard, and have responded by telling them politely that the issue is a private family matter, and that I prefer not to discuss it with them.

Three times recently, I’ve been told that my reply was rude, and one lady even remarked that my parents might be better off the way things are. How should one respond to such suggestions, especially if the person is an old family friend?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. I will think about it.”

Never mind that you, Miss Manners and probably your old family friends know you will not. The fact that you appear to be considering their advice should be enough to satisfy them in the moment. And since thinking is an ongoing activity, presumably you can repeat the sentiment if they follow up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While outside in the smoking area of a music venue a couple weeks ago, a woman next to me became a little too animated and lightly bumped into me. She apologized, and I politely responded that it was not a problem.

Then, I realized she was still looking at my sleeve with an anxious, guilty expression, and she started brushing at the spot with her finger. It seems that what had bumped into my jacket was not just her hand, but also the smoldering end of her cigarette, which left a visible burn on the jacket.

My reaction was, again, to tell her it wasn’t an issue, keeping a passive demeanor. But she disagreed, insisting that what she did was reckless. She apologized more fervently, called herself an expletive and said she would be more mindful, after which I hesitated, and then said, “I appreciate that,” before walking away.

What I am left thinking is, should I have been more visibly upset, even angry, that she had damaged one of my nicer jackets? That she could have seriously injured me? Should I have reprimanded her and then followed that with forgiveness, despite her sincere apology? If I had given my girlfriend the jacket that night to help keep her warm, the cigarette could have seriously burned my arm instead. What the woman did was indeed reckless and dangerous.

But then, I also felt anxious about making her feel worse than she already did. She did not appear more than mildly intoxicated by alcohol (as was I).

I am naturally averse to conflict and prefer to cool things down than heat them up unless absolutely necessary, but I wonder if that was a time where a little heat would have been appropriate. My response to her feels undignified.

GENTLE READER: She also could have lit your jacket on fire and burned down the music venue, swallowing the whole town along with it. But fortunately, she did not.

Miss Manners does not wish to make light of your situation, merely to point out that assessing your relative reaction to a hypothetical situation is pointless. The woman was appropriately apologetic, but it was an accident -- and could have happened to you or anyone else. Your diplomacy in the situation was the opposite of undignified: It was gracious and polite.

However, she still could have offered to pay for repairs to the jacket (whose potentially worse damage was thankfully not on your list), which you could have accepted or not. Either way, your being rude or heated would not have made the situation better. Only more contentious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to wear a wireless earpiece at church during the sermon?

GENTLE READER: It depends. Is it being used to amplify the sermon -- or drown it out?

Either way, Miss Manners warns, you will have to explain yourself, as people will assume the latter. And keep in mind that lying in church seems a particularly damning idea.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while back, a colleague of mine said that he and his wife would like to invite me over for dinner at their home. The evening of the dinner, there was another guest, Chloe, a woman my age who teaches with my colleague’s wife.

The evening was very enjoyable, with good conversation. At the end, the hostess told me that she had brought Chloe from school in her car and asked if I would take her home. I did, then said goodnight to her at her door. She invited me inside, but I declined.

During the following week, my colleague gave me a note from his wife, which said, “Chloe thinks you may have forgotten to ask for her phone number,” and gave me the number.

I understood at this point that I was expected to phone Chloe, but I had no inclination to do so, and I saw no easy way to explain why. I saved the number in my phone, but took no other action.

Now, after several more weeks, my colleague has asked me how Chloe and I are getting along. I told him I had not seen or spoken to Chloe since the evening at his home.

He became very upset with me. He and his wife were trying to set me up with Chloe, and Chloe herself, apparently, was agreeable to the idea. I, of course, knew nothing about this at the time.

My most recent relationship ended badly, and I am enjoying the freedom of not dating at the moment. Chloe is a perfectly nice woman, but I’m not interested in dating her or anyone else right now. My colleague did not know any of this.

I feel bad for Chloe. I’m concerned that she feels I have rejected her. I think someone owes her an explanation, but I’m not sure it’s me. I don’t see that any of this was my fault, but I don’t know what I should do.

GENTLE READER: Do you lose sleep over not hearing telemarketers out to the end?

Because Miss Manners is not sure what you think Chloe or your colleague or his wife need explained to them. They know you are not interested in dating Chloe; they just do not care. They are busy deciding what colleges your and Chloe's future children should attend.

You did nothing wrong. Miss Manners hopes you will enjoy your freedom. While it lasts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I gently remind a lovely young neighbor, in the apartment next door, that leaving her keys in the door overnight is not a safe thing to do?

I see them left in her door lock at least once a week. Is there a way to get the point across without being horribly graphic and terrifying? She is a wonderful person and I would hate for any harm to come to her.

GENTLE READER: Knock on the door and hand her back the keys a few times. Then, if it keeps happening, keep the keys overnight and return them in the morning.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)