Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are holding a celebration of life for my 28-year-old son at an airplane hangar. I’m saying “Wear anything!” because we want it to be about celebrating his life more than mourning his death. I plan to wear white.

Do you make a distinction between funerals and celebrations of life, or do you believe mourning prevails regardless? I am not criticizing; beliefs are beliefs. I guess I’m questioning my actions at a wobbly time.

GENTLE READER: You raise an interesting question: Does a “celebration of life” require etiquette adjustments from a funeral, which it is increasingly replacing?

Funerals used to be set rituals, usually religious ones. Eulogies were given by clergy members, who were unlikely to have known the deceased as well as their relatives and friends, and could inadvertently make mistakes -- misattributing specific virtues, for example. Sometimes the eulogist was a stranger, reduced to saying things like “She loved life,” as if that were a unique characteristic.

So the choice of eulogists turned to those who could speak from close knowledge, and there were more and more speeches, sometimes followed by spontaneous remarks from other mourners. This format was far more evocative of the deceased, with specific examples that rang true, rather than generalities that sometimes did not.

When such talks exceeded the ceremonial part, the event was renamed a "celebration of life." Miss Manners understands that many, perhaps most, people prefer this name. For one thing, it is a lot more cheerful.

But there are dangers.

One that many people have noticed is that not everyone is gifted at this. There are sometimes declarations of how much the deceased admired the speaker. There have been tasteless jokes and revelations, and lengthy impositions on the patience of even the most bereaved.

But there is another danger in the very premise of a celebration of life: the attempt to banish sadness. So please do not mandate cheerfulness. This loss is a tragedy, and grief should not be made to seem out of place. You may succumb to it yourself.

The American color of mourning is black, although the code is only sporadically observed (except in cases of funerals for national figures). But Miss Manners is not going to say you should not wear white -- a mourning color in other cultures -- if it makes you feel better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am blessed with a wonderful doctor who is caring, highly intelligent, personable and who always has time for me. I thank her for her care and personal concern for me at each visit.

Is there something else I can do to show my appreciation? I am on a modest budget, but I often give gift cards (with a note) to mail carriers, janitors and other servicepeople who take pride in their work and go above and beyond their duties.

I assume my doctor would have no need for the $20 grocery gift card I usually use as a thank-you. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: What about giving her something priceless, which is what she has given you?

Not only would it fit your budget, but it would cost you little effort because you have already done it. Just write out the appreciation you have sent to Miss Manners and send it to your doctor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a severe injury to a finger. It has since healed, but when I cook, I usually keep a bandage over the injury to protect the area.

One night I made dinner for my husband and a very close friend (who has a great sense of humor). I had the entrees placed on the table and was serving the salads when I noticed the bandage was missing.

When I sat down, I debated what I should do, but then came clean: I informed them that the bandage was missing and that I was afraid it might have ended up in a salad. They both thought it was hilarious, and jokes about the possibility of it turning up in the pizza were the order of the night.

I realize the topic is gross, and most people would likely not see the humor. However, it brought up the hypothetical discussion among us of what I would have done had this been a larger group that extended beyond the three of us.

If I had a larger group of people -- say, a dinner party of six -- and the entrees were already on the table when I discovered the bandage missing, would it be appropriate to keep quiet and hope the bandage did not show up in someone’s food? Or warn them ahead of time and completely destroy their appetites for dinner? (Since this is hypothetical, let’s say that dumping the whole dinner and ordering out is not an option.)

What say you?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners, thankful that this scenario is hypothetical, will take the opportunity to urge those who cook with injuries to wear non-hypothetical gloves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly parents and I seldom talk or visit, per my father’s wishes. I am the older of their two children, and was always the dependable, devoted daughter.

Seven years ago, my father made a derogatory comment towards my husband and I over politics at a family gathering, and when I objected to him and my mother privately, he decided that I wouldn’t be included in future family events.

In the years since, both my father and my brother have told many mutual friends and relatives about our rift, but have told different versions to different people, none of which are true.

I am regularly approached by well-intentioned acquaintances, urging me to mend fences with my grieving parents; I never know what story they’ve heard, and have responded by telling them politely that the issue is a private family matter, and that I prefer not to discuss it with them.

Three times recently, I’ve been told that my reply was rude, and one lady even remarked that my parents might be better off the way things are. How should one respond to such suggestions, especially if the person is an old family friend?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. I will think about it.”

Never mind that you, Miss Manners and probably your old family friends know you will not. The fact that you appear to be considering their advice should be enough to satisfy them in the moment. And since thinking is an ongoing activity, presumably you can repeat the sentiment if they follow up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While outside in the smoking area of a music venue a couple weeks ago, a woman next to me became a little too animated and lightly bumped into me. She apologized, and I politely responded that it was not a problem.

Then, I realized she was still looking at my sleeve with an anxious, guilty expression, and she started brushing at the spot with her finger. It seems that what had bumped into my jacket was not just her hand, but also the smoldering end of her cigarette, which left a visible burn on the jacket.

My reaction was, again, to tell her it wasn’t an issue, keeping a passive demeanor. But she disagreed, insisting that what she did was reckless. She apologized more fervently, called herself an expletive and said she would be more mindful, after which I hesitated, and then said, “I appreciate that,” before walking away.

What I am left thinking is, should I have been more visibly upset, even angry, that she had damaged one of my nicer jackets? That she could have seriously injured me? Should I have reprimanded her and then followed that with forgiveness, despite her sincere apology? If I had given my girlfriend the jacket that night to help keep her warm, the cigarette could have seriously burned my arm instead. What the woman did was indeed reckless and dangerous.

But then, I also felt anxious about making her feel worse than she already did. She did not appear more than mildly intoxicated by alcohol (as was I).

I am naturally averse to conflict and prefer to cool things down than heat them up unless absolutely necessary, but I wonder if that was a time where a little heat would have been appropriate. My response to her feels undignified.

GENTLE READER: She also could have lit your jacket on fire and burned down the music venue, swallowing the whole town along with it. But fortunately, she did not.

Miss Manners does not wish to make light of your situation, merely to point out that assessing your relative reaction to a hypothetical situation is pointless. The woman was appropriately apologetic, but it was an accident -- and could have happened to you or anyone else. Your diplomacy in the situation was the opposite of undignified: It was gracious and polite.

However, she still could have offered to pay for repairs to the jacket (whose potentially worse damage was thankfully not on your list), which you could have accepted or not. Either way, your being rude or heated would not have made the situation better. Only more contentious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to wear a wireless earpiece at church during the sermon?

GENTLE READER: It depends. Is it being used to amplify the sermon -- or drown it out?

Either way, Miss Manners warns, you will have to explain yourself, as people will assume the latter. And keep in mind that lying in church seems a particularly damning idea.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)