Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I entertain frequently. We get a lot of joy out of hosting longtime friends and family for holidays and special occasions. We are attentive to the vibe and move things along at a pace that matches it. Everyone always tells us we host lovely evenings and that they can’t wait for the next one.

The problem is with one of our longtime friends, who always tries to dictate when we will do what during the evening. A recent example: We were hosting a dinner party and everyone was saying they were so full after the three-course dinner that they couldn’t even think of dessert yet. So we decided to delay it by about 30 minutes and play a card game so everyone had a chance to digest a little bit before dessert.

Around the 20-minute mark, I excused myself for a moment to put the coffee on and returned to the game. After the next hand (less than three minutes later), this guest announced to everyone that this would be the last hand and it was time for dessert.

I interjected that I had just set the coffee to brew and we would wait until it was done. We played another few hands and then it was time.

This was not the first time this particular guest has announced, at a party they were not hosting, that it was time for something. I find it a bit insulting, if I’m honest, and would like a way to tactfully speak with my friend about this behavior.

They are a treasured friend, and I don’t wish to exclude them from future gatherings. But I also do not want them to continue taking part of the hosting duties from the hosts, which leaves other guests confused and me a bit sore.

GENTLE READER: There is a longstanding theater etiquette rule that states: There is only one director. Writers, producers and actors with feedback must filter their notes through said director so as not to confuse the performers onstage.

Miss Manners suggests you apply this rule to your dinner parties. Tell your friend that you appreciate the input, but if they would take you aside to give it, that would be less confusing for the other guests. And -- you may omit saying -- stay out of the kitchen, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ate at a fine dining restaurant on a cruise ship and ordered a rack of lamb. I cut as much meat as I could off of the bone, but there was still a tasty morsel or two on the bone.

May I discreetly take that bite from the bone, or is that too rude? I do mean discreetly, not gnawing at it like an animal.

GENTLE READER: If you can guarantee Miss Manners that you can do it quickly and without getting caught, fine. But she thinks that unlikely without the aforementioned animal gnawing.

So the official answer is no, with apologies to those tasty morsels.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I warn particularly conservative guests that an annual party they attended last year has grown in size and will include a more eclectic group of people?

My husband and I hosted a last-minute holiday open house last year. Many of the attendees were generally conservative, reflecting the nature of my immediate neighborhood. This year, we planned the party well in advance, and it has doubled in size. It will include many new friends -- including gay couples, ardent liberals and a trans woman.

Several of last year’s attendees are very conservative, and a couple of them can be loudmouthed bullies. They are not our close friends. Should I advise them prior to attendance that the makeup of the party will be different this year, and that they may be offended by some of the other guests?

It feels “icky,” and my instinct is just to let it go and trust people to be kind and tolerant. But I worry about friction.

GENTLE READER: Rather than testing everyone’s kindness and tolerance too much -- including your own tolerance for your neighbors -- Miss Manners would like to focus on a different virtue: responsibility.

A good host seeks to make her guests reasonably comfortable and welcome. Your warning will accomplish that for no one, and therefore needs to be rethought.

At the very least, Miss Manners wonders at your inviting people you believe will yell at your other guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taken out to dinner in a town where I was giving a talk. My hostess parked her car using her late husband’s disability parking tag, which was due to expire in a few months, and then put a service vest on her dog so she could bring him into the restaurant.

I commented that I didn’t know her dog was a service animal, and she said he wasn’t, but that the restaurant is not allowed to ask for proof and that he was very well-behaved. (He was, indeed, and mostly slept under the table as we ate.)

But I had a family member with a severe physical disability and know how hard the struggle was for these accommodations. For instance, someone who REALLY needed a spot closer to the restaurant missed the chance to park there. And no, a person with a service animal should not have to prove it constantly, but the practice should be trustworthy.

I wanted to say something expressing my disapproval, but I was a guest. I did mention my family member, but I don’t think anything registered.

GENTLE READER: You did register your disapproval -- both by your question and your demeanor -- and you know to avoid this person in future. And you did all this without being rude yourself.

Miss Manners rates that as a greater success than putting your host in a choke hold and forcing her to move the car, given that the dog disturbed no one and the parking tag was about to expire. This may not be as satisfying as you had hoped, but when we, as a society, demand that every injustice be met with Total War, the net result is worse, not better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having been raised in a strongly evangelical home, and having painfully walked away from those beliefs, religion is an emotionally distressing subject for me, one that I am only able to discuss with those very close to me.

A few months ago, I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. For most of that time, I shared the room with a very friendly, talkative woman who had been in the hospital for a long time. While still needing medical care, she was clearly on the mend; she was bored, a little lonely from her long stay, and pleased to have a new roommate to talk to.

It immediately became obvious she was a committed evangelical Christian and all she wanted to talk about was religion. I started by making short, noncommittal responses and trying to change the subject, but my lack of enthusiastic response made her decide I needed to be “saved.” For the remainder of our time sharing the room, I was bombarded by “give your heart to Jesus” appeals, which I found upsetting.

Being confrontation-averse, and already on the border of emotional overload, I resorted to pretending to be sleeping to avoid conversation. I was exhausted and sleeping more than usual, but not 23 hours a day!

Eventually she was discharged and the problem went away, but I’m wondering if there was a way I could have shut this down short of sitting up and yelling, “Would you shut up about religion?” (Which, believe me, was tempting.)

I know how to politely stop this type of thing at work, and I can be more blunt with family and friends, telling them we need to drop the subject or stop spending time together. However, I was at a loss in this situation. I could not simply leave.

GENTLE READER: Although she resists making every etiquette problem into a medical question, Miss Manners is willing to make exceptions in a hospital setting -- where many things you are used to doing for yourself will, for the time being, require assistance.

If a friend cannot speak with your roommate, ask a nurse or doctor to tell her that you are easily fatigued -- and that, because of your own history, the subject of religion is particularly taxing for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it acceptable to specify the ending time of an event?

Generally, if I am inviting guests for dinner, I ask them to please arrive at a certain time, with no ending time given. But for a child’s birthday party, one would invite guests from, say, 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., so parents know when to pick up their children.

If I am hosting a cocktail party, is it acceptable to invite guests from, say, 4 p.m. to 6 p.m., so that it is clear that this is not a dinner party? How about a reception where the venue is only rented for a certain number of hours? What is the rule?

GENTLE READER: Specifying a time for the party on the invitation is fine -- so long as you do not intend to enforce it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)