Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out to the West Coast for work. I hadn't been there in such a long time that I forgot to contact some of my friends who live out there. I was there for only two days and had to make work the priority, but still I feel bad. Two of my closest friends from childhood live out there, and I didn't even call them. They heard I was there, because one friend I did call met me and we had dinner together. So now the others' feelings are hurt.

How can I fix this? The last thing I was trying to do is hurt their feelings. -- Need to Make Up, Washington, D.C.

DEAR NEED TO MAKE UP: Call your friends and express your sadness that you didn't get a chance to see them. Let them vent, if they choose to do so, because you know they miss you. Make it clear that you realize you could have handled your trip differently and that you are sorry you didn't plan to get together with them.

Do your best to stay in touch using modern technology. Talk about when you may be in one another's towns and can try again to get together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend's niece just got arrested for shoplifting. He is so upset about it, and I don't know how to help him.

She has been misbehaving for a long time. She is 15 years old and is always doing crazy things, like staying out all night, smoking drugs and not going to school. She was always kind of bad, but after her grandmother died, she got a lot worse.

What can I do to help him? He keeps asking me for advice. -- Worried, New Orleans, La.

DEAR WORRIED: The best thing this family can do for their troubled teen is to get her mental health support. She should visit a counselor with whom she can talk about her life, the loss of her grandmother and her choices. She needs to have a safe space to be able to talk about what's happening in her life and learn that it's possible for her to decide her fate.

Some parents in these situations also choose to send their children to schools for so-called delinquent teens, where they are immersed in learning discipline. Other families have used the military as a tool to help teach their teens right from wrong. Sometimes the structure is particularly helpful for young people who have behaved recklessly over time.

Most important is for your friend's niece to be able to grieve and heal. She needs to know that she is loved, even though her behavior is unacceptable. Your friend also needs to know that the adults in his family probably cannot handle her challenges on their own. They, too, should seek professional help.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a vegetarian for about five months. This might not seem like a problem, but all of my family members are huge meat eaters. I haven't told anyone yet about my decision because of the backlash I would get.

The holidays are right around the corner, and I'm nervous about seeing the whole family and revealing my secret. I can't keep it from them, because they will know, and we don't have a traditional spread. Our main course consists of steak (along with the turkey)! I know they will make it a big deal and will argue with my decision.

How can I prepare for this conversation? I want them to respect me for not eating meat, not treat me like an alien. -- Vegetarian, Washington, D.C.

DEAR VEGETARIAN: I'm not sure you will have as big a problem as you imagine, largely because people do not pay as much attention to what others eat as you think. If you fill your plate with all of the vegetables your family is serving and eat a hearty meal, you will be demonstrating that you are a healthy eater.

If asked why your plate is meatless, you can explain that you have chosen to stop eating meat for a while. You can ease your family into the notion of your new eating habits without scaring them by telling them this is a several-months-old practice that you are trying. Be prepared to explain why, preferably without bad-mouthing their eating choices. For example, if you have become a vegetarian because you want to lower your cholesterol or lose weight, make sure to center your explanation on your own body rather than suggest what vegetarianism might do for them. If you are now flesh-averse, you should keep that to yourself. You don't want to offend them.

You also don't want to worry your family. Many people believe that a vegetarian lifestyle does not provide adequate nutrition. Make sure you know what foods provide which nutrients so you can describe that if asked. But please don't visit with the intention of educating anyone.

Go to enjoy time with your family. Eat well and relax. Your state of mind will help them to relax, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that I will not be able to take off at all during the holidays, because we just got a big new project at work and my boss wants all hands on deck. My family and I were planning to go out of town to visit my wife's parents. My wife and three kids are really excited about it. Should I let them go without me? -- Work-Bound, Flint, Mich.

DEAR WORK-BOUND: It is generous and wise of you to recommend that your wife and children continue with your plans for the holidays. In this way, they can spend time with your in-laws, and you can focus on the work at hand.

If there's any way at all that you can go, even on the weekend, that would be great. If not, be sure to talk to them each day so you stay connected.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My good friend's birthday party is coming up. I am excited to go, because I haven't seen him and that group of friends in a long time because of my work schedule.

I told him I would be there before I knew the details of the party theme: S&M. Sexy, kinky, whips, all of the above.

I don't want to take part in dressing up, but on the invitation, it says everyone must have a costume. I don't want to not go. What should I do? -- No Kinks, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR NO KINKS: I know you want to hang out with your friends, but I assure you that this is not the right setting. If you are not interested in S&M, you will probably feel awkward the entire time you are at the party.

Call your friend. Tell him that although you will not be able to make it to his party, you would like to treat him to dinner sometime soon for his birthday. If he asks why, tell him the truth: You just aren't into S&M.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Friends have invited me to their house for Hanukkah. This will be my first time visiting their house and my first time attending a Jewish celebration.

What is an appropriate holiday gift? I am not Jewish, and I don't want to make a mistake. I feel really honored to be included and don't want to do anything inappropriate. -- Hanukkah Novice, Nashville, Tenn.

DEAR HANUKKAH NOVICE: Relax. There's no need to feel ashamed that you don't know Jewish traditions. Your friends are not expecting you to be an expert. What's wonderful is that they have chosen to include you.

At the celebration, you likely will learn about the traditions of Hanukkah. Be open to the experience, and ask your friends questions when you are unsure.

Being proactive would be even better. By starting the discussion in advance, you can break the ice. Tell your friends that you are excited about attending but feel a little uneasy about what to expect. Ask for guidance. Also ask if there's anything special that you can bring or make for the celebration.

One other thing you can do is to read about the holiday ahead of time. Here's one comprehensive article to get you started: religionfacts.com/judaism/holidays/hanukkah.htm.

As far as an appropriate gift, think about what your friends like. Traditional hostess gifts such as candles, guest bath soaps or flowers are great. Wine is also a good gift, but you may want to bring kosher wine just in case.