Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family decided several years ago to adopt a family for the holidays. We find a family in need through our church and buy the things -- within our budget -- that they have requested. It works out great.

The only problem is that some of our family members are upset that we don't give them gifts anymore. They sort of understand the idea of giving to the family, but they want us to give to them, too -- never mind that they are adults.

How can we explain to them that we can't afford to do that, nor do we think it's necessary? We do cook the holiday meal and have them over each year. -- Spirit of Giving, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR SPIRIT OF GIVING: You might consider inviting your family members to participate in giving to the family in need. Until you become part of such a wonderful experience, it can seem remote. Some of the family members may take to it and truly be transformed in their thinking.

Shy of that, you can simply stick to your plan, with a twist. In addition to giving to the family from your church, give cards to your family members expressing your love and appreciation for them. Another creative option is to make a cake or other sweet treat and box it for them. It's a gift that you may already have been making for the meal that becomes more special because you wrapped it and gave it individually to them.

Do know, however, that the way you are handling your holiday giving is fine as is. Giving to those in need as you share your love with your family is perfectly great.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had to get creative this year regarding Santa. My 9-year-old made it clear that he is a believer, but he also told me his friends are teasing him about his beliefs.

We love that he remains entranced by the magic of Santa, and we don't want his friends to spoil it. Do you have any recommendations for how to manage this? -- Holding Onto the Magic, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR HOLDING ONTO THE MAGIC: Plenty of families maintain their love of Santa for life. The mythology of Santa is so pervasive in our culture that I think it's wonderful when children and parents keep the tradition going.

What seems to work well is for parents to talk about the spirit of Santa and how his role is to share joy, love and gifts with children. That image is one that brings happiness and light to family members.

Your son can tell his friends that it's OK for them to have their beliefs and for him to have his. He loves Santa and looks forward to his visits each year.

You may also remind your son that the holiday season is a time for family love and sharing, so that he doesn't put all of his faith in the magical appearance of Santa. That should help as he transitions into a more mature and aware child in coming years.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in business for about a year and have a unique product I have been selling with some success. I have been working hard at setting up events where I can sell my product, and so far, so good. That is, until something odd happened. Another product designer asked if he could piggyback on my holiday sale right after he received an invitation for it. He offered to send out the online invitation to his mailing list in exchange.

I didn't do it, and I thought it was weird. I have worked so hard to build all of these relationships. Was I wrong to feel uncomfortable about him trying to ride my coattails? -- Not a Pushover, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR NOT A PUSHOVER: Partnering for collective sales events often works to each vendor's benefit because such sales have the potential to attract a broader buying audience. So, no, your acquaintance wasn't inappropriate in making the recommendation.

That said, this person may have approached you in an uncomfortable way. Suggesting at the last minute that the two of you team up suggests that he realized this was an opportunity for him to make some sales. I can see how that might rub you the wrong way.

Why not explore with him the possibility of collaborating in the future?

DEAR HARRIETTE: You gave excellent and sound advice to the reader who was considering becoming an entrepreneur. May I add: Talk to any and all small-business owners about what it's like. I've found they're willing to share their experiences.

Though owning a small business can be rewarding, the costs, responsibilities and risks are enormous, and it may not be worth giving up the rewards of a steady job at which you are obviously valued. Also to be considered are the costs to your family. If you have children, essentially you already have a small business. Being an entrepreneur takes time away from them that can't be replaced. -- Taste of Heaven, Chicago

DEAR TASTE OF HEAVEN: Thank you for your wisdom on what it means to become an entrepreneur. It reminds me of the meeting I had when I started my business. Audrey Smaltz, a longtime entrepreneur and dear friend, sat me down and said I should count on the business costing more than I could ever imagine, especially in the beginning. She told me to save my money because I would likely need those extra coins for electricity and staff. She also talked about how much time it takes to get a business going and the inherent requirement that you remain committed in order to be successful.

That was back in 1995. I can't say that I always followed her advice, but I can say that I'm sure it was sound.

Your point about how to balance a family is a real issue for many business owners. What I do is write lists and make schedules that include everything I need to do, including what I do with my family. In that way, I am less apt to blow off an important meeting, recital, dinner or phone call. I highly recommend it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an etiquette question. My nonprofit organization is partnering with another nonprofit to present a community workshop. We want to present the guest speaker with a gift. The two options are a $25 American Express gift card or flowers (not in a vase).

Which is more acceptable or appropriate? My board members think the gift card is impersonal. -- Do the Right Thing, Baltimore

DEAR DO THE RIGHT THING: It's great that you want to publicly thank your speaker. Since you are not paying the speaker, a token of appreciation is a fine gesture.

I would consider a hybrid of your ideas. How about the gift card with a single rose, so that when you present it, folks in the audience see something and the speaker gets something he or she can actually use? Be sure to include a note of gratitude with the gift card that is signed by the key members of your group.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 26-year-old gay male. I started seeing a guy when I was 19, and we dated for five years. This June, I found out I had contracted HIV from him, and it totally devastated me.

I had resigned myself to remaining single and "bearing the burden alone." I have told only one of my family members and am TERRIFIED to tell the rest. To make it worse, I've met an amazing guy who, despite my best efforts, I've fallen in love with. How can I tell him about this? I'm terrified that if I tell him or my family, I truly will be alone forever. Help! -- Desperately Confused, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DESPERATELY CONFUSED: I want you to notice that you have highs and lows that are taking up equal space in your life right now. It's good to look at them.

I'm so sorry you contracted HIV. I understand being wary of telling your family. You don't have to tell them. But you do have an obligation to tell the man you have fallen in love with. Do you run the risk that he'll run away? Yes, but not necessarily. Being honest upfront allows you to figure out how you can have a relationship and be as safe as possible.

I recommend that you get counseling that will support you in dealing with your health condition and navigating your relationship. One source is the Gay Men's Health Crisis (www.gmhc.org).

You also should know that many couples have weathered this storm. As an example, I have a friend who has been HIV-positive for many years. He didn't talk about it at first, but he didn't hide it, either. He has walked in all of the AIDS walks in New York City, and his friends have long known his status. He has been in a relationship with someone who is not HIV-positive for many years. The great news is that this year his partner asked him to get married. Because the laws have changed in some states, they were able to do just that.

You can have a full life. Take care of your health first. Get support, and tell the man you hope to make your partner.