Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is someone who I used to be really close friends with -- to the point where I considered her more like a sister than a friend. We haven't spoken to each other since her birthday (near Thanksgiving) last year.

She threw herself a birthday party the night before Thanksgiving, which happened to be the night that my entire family drove up for the Thanksgiving dinner that I was hosting. I was planning on attending her party for a couple of hours to show face and support her. I tried to call and let her know that I would be running late due to my work schedule, but rather than listening, she hung up on me without letting me get a word in. Naturally, after being treated so badly, I second-guessed going at all. After an internal struggle, I decided not to go.

I called the next day to wish her a happy birthday, and the response that I got was unexpected. She said some of the most disrespectful, foul and unnecessary things -- things that I wouldn't even say to an enemy. And she ended the conversation with, "I don't want this friendship. I don't need this friendship." That was almost a year ago.

She tried calling me this summer to apologize. At this point I can forgive, but the damage has been done, and I don't know that I will ever look at her the same way. My family thinks that I should try to resolve things and reach out to her since she has extended an olive branch, but I'm not really interested in inviting the dramatics back into my circle. As a sign of forgiveness, I am considering wishing her a happy birthday via text. Should I reach out or leave things as they are? -- On the Fence, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR ON THE FENCE: Before you reach out to her, decide what outcome you would like. It is smart to forgive her, as holding onto a grudge hurts you more than anyone else. You might even want to have a conversation with her to hear her out and let her hear you out. Doing so does not mean you will rekindle your friendship. What it can do is help you both understand where you were and where you are now. If you are ready for such a communication, send her a birthday message. If you do not want to open this door again, do nothing right now.

If you find yourself thinking about this friend, go ahead and reach out to her. Some relationships require closure -- or at least clarity -- in order for people to be free of them. When you do not drum up the courage to face a challenging relationship, it can fester in your soul. Then, even when you do not mean to harbor bad feelings, you might be doing that, something that is unhealthy in every possible way you can imagine.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The holiday season is here, and I am excited that I have lost 30 pounds since August. I have cut out a major amount of sweets and white bread from my diet. I am looking forward to eating all of the delicious food that makes the holiday season special, but I am afraid that I will overeat and lose all momentum in regards to my weight loss. How can I enjoy the delicious food and watch my weight at the same time? -- Mr. Big Stuff, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR MR. BIG STUFF: Congratulations on your weight loss. Clearly, you have been vigilant and disciplined in order to lose so much weight. The easiest way to stay the course is to continue to eat in the exact same way you have for the past few months. Do not deviate from your course of eating just because it is the holidays. Resist the breads, cakes and other sweets that have derailed you in the first place. Just don't eat them.

As it relates to other calorie-rich food, eat them in very small amounts. That way, you can taste some of the holiday special dishes without eating too much. Another idea is to use a salad plate or a cake plate rather than a full dinner-sized plate. This will help you to eat less.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My job requires me to give presentations on a regular basis. I can handle creating the presentations, but I am scared of speaking in front of people. When I stand in front of a large group of people, I see clown faces, and I am scared of clowns. Can you offer some advice on how I can overcome my fear of speaking in front of a group of people? -- Deer in Headlights, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR DEER IN HEADLIGHTS: Practice helps ease most fears. You can practice in front of a mirror to get more comfortable with presenting. Practice in front of family members or friends.

Here are some tips that have helped me a lot for public speaking: Before you begin to speak, plant your feet firmly on the ground, hip-width apart. Look to your near left, and then look along the edges of the room from left to right. Make eye contact with the people you see, and smile at them. Continue taking in the people in the audience going from left to right quickly until you reach the first row of people. Remember to breathe as you are doing this. This should take only a few seconds. When you are finished, welcome the group and begin your presentation.

If your presentation is ready and you feel confident with the content, using centering tips will help you a lot. If you feel you need more help, consider joining Toastmasters. They can help you overcome your fear of speaking and master any room.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been helping a new friend plan her dad's memorial service, and it is getting really messy. She has step family members and close friends who are telling her to do things that she doesn't necessarily want to do. They are driving her crazy. I step in whenever I can to be a buffer, but I can only do but so much. She is listed as executor of the estate. I want to suggest to my friend that she let them know who's the boss. I know she wants to be thoughtful, but it is getting to be too much. -- SOS, Chicago

DEAR SOS: It is wonderful that you are there to support your friend through this trying time. As it relates to the people who are troubling her, yes, it may help to establish the lines of demarcation. Suggest that she talk to them by first assuring that she knows they, too, are grieving. Then she must make it clear that she was named executor of his estate and that she has the plans in order. It may help to articulate those plans clearly so that there are no questions. She can listen to their ideas but let them know that she is in charge. If she can come up with tasks that they can undertake, that could be helpful. If they feel like they have a participatory role, it may help them calm down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Traditionally, my mother hosted Thanksgiving dinner and my aunt hosted Christmas dinner. Fifteen years ago, my mother abruptly stopped hosting Thanksgiving, and it divided our family. So many of us have wanted to have this tradition start again, and we don't know how to do it in a peaceful manner. My mother is stubborn. She thought it was too much on her since she is older. We wonder if we offer to pitch in and cook if maybe she would do it. Do we dare ask? We want a reunion before she dies -- she is in her 80s. We just lost one of our aunts of the same age. -- Family Ties, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FAMILY TIES: Yours is a great idea. Suggest to your mother that you and your siblings and cousins be responsible for cooking and cleaning for Thanksgiving dinner at her house. Tell her that you want the whole family to get together this year, and what better location than her home. Promise that you will not create work for her, but that you will make it easeful and happy.

If she balks, remind her that your aunt recently died and that your family members want to be together to celebrate one another. Ask her to bend her rule just this once. If she agrees and she enjoys herself, perhaps she will say yes again!