Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the best way to handle it if asked to remove your shoes when entering someone's residence and you are uncomfortable (or unprepared) to bare your feet? This happened to me the other day when I went to a party. Never mind the fact that I had worn some fabulous shoes and they were part of my outfit. I am short, so I always wear heels, and this made me feel even shorter once I took my shoes off. Plus, my feet weren't properly pedicured. I felt so uncomfortable, but I decided to stay anyway. I really didn't want to take my shoes off, though. -- Shoe Freak, Racine, Mich.

DEAR SHOE FREAK: It is understandable that when invited to a party you wouldn't be expected to remove your shoes in order to attend. It is also true that many people have a no-shoes policy in their homes. In those cases, it is kind of the host either to let guests know in advance that they will have to remove their shoes or provide slippers for them to wear. In this way, guests don't have to feel caught off-guard.

When no provisions are arranged and you find yourself in a situation as you did, be a good sport, tuck your shoes away and go for it. Chances are you are not the only one feeling a little awkward, at least at first.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three children who are in their 20s. I feel guilty because I never made them become self-sufficient. I spoiled them because I gave them anything and everything their hearts desired as children. Now that they are adults, my children are malfunctioning in society. How do I reset the boundaries with my children after years of spoiling them? -- Bad Mom, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR BAD MOM: Call a family meeting and admit your mistake. Apologize to your children for not teaching them budgeting, boundaries, limitations, etc. Talk candidly with them about how you showered them with everything they wanted without teaching them that hard work is what allowed you to be able to do that.

From the position of tough love, point out to them where you think you led them astray. Be specific about behaviors that you have observed in them that are not serving them. Offer to enroll them in a money management class. You can also purchase books for them that they can read, such as "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke," by Suze Orman, or "Why Didn't They Teach Me This in School: 99 Personal Money Management Principles to Live by," by Carey Siegel.

Finally, don't beat up yourself too much. Many young people flounder in their 20s. This is the time when they begin to "find themselves." You can provide guidance, but know that they have to make their own mistakes and figure out how to fend for themselves. Yes, you can help, but this is their time to accept responsibility for their lives.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating someone for a month, and we have a great connection and communication. He seems to be very comfortable sharing and being vulnerable with me; however, he seems to have sudden mood swings, gets snappy and distant, and withdraws suddenly. I know he's having (un)employment issues and often talks about his difficult upbringing, which he is trying to forget, but I don't know how much of this behavior to deal with before I am putting myself in too much emotional danger. We have talked about it before, but it has happened again. How do you know when to continue being patient and when enough is enough? -- Where to Turn, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR WHERE TO TURN: One month is not long enough to truly know a person. You are still in the early stages of learning about each other. What you have described sounds like depression. There are different types of depression, sometimes caused by circumstances, sometimes based on neurological challenges. If possible, recommend to your boyfriend that he go to the doctor and get a physical. Point out that you have noticed that he has been going through major mood swings and you are concerned about it. Remind him of how much you care about him and that you want him to be healthy. A mental health evaluation could be very helpful.

Encourage him to get that help. If he refuses and continues to be emotionally volatile, you may have to distance yourself from him for a period of time. You need not threaten him. Instead, let him know that you care about him and that you care about yourself. Make it clear that it upsets you when he is so emotionally unpredictable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My male friend is gay, but I think he is interested in having a relationship with me. I am female. He seems jealous when I mention other guys. What's the best way to initiate a conversation about this without embarrassing him or myself? (Maybe my gaydar is off.) -- Off-Kilter, Jersey City, N.J.

DEAR OFF-KILTER: This would not be the first time that two friends -- heterosexual and homosexual -- could fall for each other. While I am not an expert on this, I have witnessed a number of friends who have found themselves in a space of intimacy that grew out of their genuine love for each other. Unfortunately, the instances that I have witnessed did not turn out well, mainly because it was almost a suspension of reality for them to be intimately engaged for the long haul.

That said, you can't know unless you talk about it. Be brave and ask your friend what's up. Point out that you are getting the sense that he is interested in you romantically. Tell him you thought he was gay. Ask him to define what is happening. Talk about where you both are and what you want for your friendship. Do know, however, that it is unlikely that love, no matter how real, can trump nature.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had an uncomfortable conversation with my 9-year-old daughter the other day. We were talking about intimacy, about hugging and touching. We were hugging each other and then clarified that not everyone gets to touch your body. She then said that she is the only one who gets to hug and touch me, because I don't like having my husband touch me. Yikes. She is right -- he and I haven't gotten along intimately for a long time. But I was shocked by her comment and not sure how to react. I want my daughter to know what a healthy marriage looks like. I know that it includes some kind of intimacy, at least hand-holding. But what happens with my husband and me is never that. He immediately goes to groping, which I cannot stand. What do I say? What do I do? -- Not Intimate, Denver

DEAR NOT INTIMATE: Your daughter called you on something that you and your husband must address. Rather than saying anything to her right now, you need to talk to your husband. Share what happened. Talk about your thoughts and feelings about the lack of intimacy between the two of you. If you can, recall times when you were closer. What did you enjoy about each other back then? Talk about how you might find your way back to intimacy now.

Your daughter takes her cues based on your behavior. You and your husband need to fortify your bond. That includes breaking down the barricade to intimacy. Since it sounds like the fires haven't been burning for some time, you may want to seek professional help to talk through your challenges, your interests and your desires for the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has started presenting his Christmas list to us, and he has really gone overboard. Yes, he goes to a fancy private school, but I thought we were instilling solid values in him. We have always given modest gifts for the holidays, but this year his list has every new electronic gadget on it. I know that many of the kids in his school come from wealthy families, so it's no big deal for them to buy anything their kids want. But that's not the point for me. I want my son to understand that just because others get everything, that doesn't make it right, and he isn't "less than" if he gets fewer gifts. -- Drawing the Line, Chicago

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Your job as a parent is to constantly teach your son what your values are. Of course, since you placed him in a school where wealth prevails, the lessons must include how to be in that environment and not be envious. One thing that you may consider is giving your son one of his luxurious desires rather than the lot of them. If you can afford one item, you should be able to satisfy his desire without going overboard. If not, get your son what you can afford and teach him that every family does what it can to celebrate.