Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 41-year-old man, and I am stressing out because I have to take "the test" to see if I have prostate cancer. I heard it is uncomfortable because of the process to find the prostate. I am really nervous. I am having second thoughts, and I just may skip it altogether because I feel great. Do you think it would be wise for me to skip the test because I am really afraid? -- Let's Get a Physical, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR LET'S GET A PHYSICAL: You are not alone in your trepidation about getting a prostate examination. Sadly, many men, in particular, avoid going to the doctor until there is an emergency. I would like to suggest that you think about this test differently. In a complete physical, which you should have annually, you should have a prostate examination. You should have that test along with a range of traditional blood tests that are designed to evaluate your health. If you have any unusual test results, your doctor will help you to make choices to become healthier.

While the prostate test may be somewhat uncomfortable, trust that it is a very quick exam that thousands of men get every day. You can do it. Rather than avoiding the test because of your fear of the unknown, go for it. When you monitor your health, you create space to take care of yourself preventatively.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance's parents are Jehovah's Witnesses, and I recently learned that they do not celebrate Christmas. I had invited them to my home for Christmas dinner for the first time that I have ever cooked for my family, and I thought it would be great for them to come so that the parents and other family members can all meet. I am so disappointed. I asked my fiance if they would consider coming anyway and just not exchange gifts. He said there's no way. Now I'm wondering what life is going to be like with him if his parents aren't ever going to come around on holidays. Am I making a mistake? -- Second Guessing, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SECOND GUESSING: It is true that Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Christmas. The only yearly observance that I'm aware of them celebrating is wedding anniversaries. They do not celebrate birthdays, either.

This does not have to be a deal breaker. There are plenty of couples with one partner as a Witness and one of another faith tradition. While it is easier if you and your partner and your families share the same spiritual practices, you can manage if you do not.

For example, plan a meal where both families meet that is on a neutral day. Turn it into a special occasion by saying it is a meet-the-parents moment. As far as your differing faiths, before you get married, talk openly about your beliefs with your fiance and his family, and ask them questions about theirs. Figure out where your ideas converge and where you may need to agree to disagree. To learn more about Jehovah's Witnesses, visit jw.org/en/.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a girlfriend who is separated from her husband, and she would like to have some male company during the holiday season. I believe she should reconcile her relationship with her husband; however, I know how adamant she can be when it comes to making up her mind. How can I tell my friend that what she is doing is wrong? -- The Fixer, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR THE FIXER: You should not stand in judgment of your friend. How do you know that what she is doing is totally wrong? If she and her husband are separated, clearly the two of them feel that they have reached a major divide.

It can get messy for someone to launch a relationship with someone new before ending the current relationship. What you can do is point out to your friend that she might want to handle first things first. If she believes her marriage is over, she should see an attorney and head toward divorce. If she is ambivalent, she should seek counseling. Seeking comfort from another before getting her house in order can make her life more complicated.

You can gently point out these things, but ultimately, it is her life. Step back and let her live it without the burden of your judgment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A former business partner called me recently to ask if I would like to work with him on a future project. I told him that I would respond to his offer at a later date. I am hesitant because we worked on a project a few years back. We had a lot of fun, but we did not make any money. If I say yes, I feel like there would be the potential to get burned again. I really like my former business partner as a friend, but I am not too sure about as a businessperson. -- On the Dotted Line, Chicago

DEAR ON THE DOTTED LINE: Trust your gut. While one bad experience does not guarantee another one, if your heart is telling you that it is not a good idea to work together, don't ignore your inner wisdom.

If you simply want to walk away, thank him for the offer and decline. If you are interested in learning more details, tell him as much. Whenever you consider embarking on a business project, you should learn everything you can about the opportunity so that you can assess its value objectively and think about the risks versus potential rewards. Since you had poor results in the past, be sure to learn about all of the financials up front. By going through this process step by step, it will be easier for you to speak to your friend about whether you think it makes sense to move forward.

Working with friends is often difficult. Weigh the odds to determine whether it is worth it for you to enter into a business relationship with this friend or if it is smarter to stay friends without business ties. When you decide, tell him the truth about your choice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My relationship with my teenage niece has deteriorated to the point where we are not talking to each other. She has a boyfriend, and I think that is the reason of the decline in our relationship. He is what I would call a typical "bad boy." He is a high school dropout, and he has encouraged my niece to quit school or at least not to attend as frequently. I spoke to her about this young man because it concerned me, and she got mad. My sister, who is her mother, and her kids and I live together. Now, every morning I greet my niece and she walks away in disgust. I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open between us, but it is not working. What should I do? -- Family First, Chicago

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: Talk to your sister about the situation. Ask her if she is aware of the friction between you and your niece. Point out what you believe to be happening between her and her boyfriend. Make sure she knows about the school delinquency as well.

As an adult in the home, take responsibility for oversight of what may be happening. Remember that you are the grownup in your relationship with your niece. The next time she walks away, you may want to call out to her to say that you want to talk. Let her know that you care about her and that you are concerned about her. See if she responds.

Since you live together, there should be a level of respect required in the household. You and your sister need to identify what those rules should be and work together to enforce them. Keep in mind that there likely is something going on with your niece that is leading her to act out. That is what you and your sister need to identify.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My church is having a Christmas party for a women's shelter in New York City, and my pastor has asked the members if we can sponsor a child and give them a toy. I would love to sponsor a child; however, I am not in the position financially to do so at this time. What are some ways I can give without spending money? -- A Heart to Give, New York City

DEAR A HEART TO GIVE: Tell your pastor of your circumstances. Explain that you want to help in whatever way you can that does not cost money. Offer to help deliver the items to the shelter. Offer to assist your pastor in any other ways the church or the shelter may need.

Consider being creative and making a gift for a child. It is possible for you to use your own hands and a few resources that you already have at home to craft a gift that a child may love.