Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 12-year-old African-American son who has what looks like an arsenal of toy guns. From Nerf guns to BB guns to videogames featuring weapons, he and his friends are always playing around with guns. This is really no different from the kids I grew up with, but now I am scared to death.

I've been watching the news with all of the police killings of black men, including Tamir Rice, the 12-year-old Cleveland boy who had a toy gun. Now I want to take all of my son's toy guns away. Then again, I think that's hardly going to make him safe.

As people have been protesting these past couple of weeks, I feel pretty hopeless. I want to protect my son but not make him afraid in the process. What should I tell him to keep him safe? -- Scared Mom, Cincinnati

DEAR SCARED MOM: You should be afraid. We are living through a dark period in history right now. Perhaps the light is showing itself in the protests that have prompted the national government led by President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder to say that we must look at questions of police killings of unarmed people in a new way. Because of the groundswell of protest and the reality of video that has revealed many questionable engagements between civilians and law enforcement officers, we are being forced to look more closely at issues of fairness and legality.

As a mom, you can and should discuss with your son what is happening. Though it is scary, he should know what's happening in his world. He should be clear about how to react if the police ever stop him. You must teach him to remain calm, never run and always follow directions.

As far as toy guns go, I most certainly would toss them all. I would go one step further and not allow him to play with guns under any circumstances, including with his friends. The stakes are too high.

I also highly recommend that you talk to your son about current events including the various deaths of African-American males by police officers and the reactions to these deaths. This is where your perspective is key. Be sure to process your thoughts and feelings so that you can be clear when you communicate with him. Talk about ways to be empowered, including participating in peaceful protests, either personally or by donation. The two of you can also write to the Department of Justice expressing your concerns. This is a time to become politically active, to stand up for what you believe. Proceed with caution and with the conscious articulation to your son that you want him to live a happy, safe and long life. Sometimes in order to get to that, you have to take a stand.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have received some disturbing emails from a close friend of mine. He sounds depressed, and I am really worried about him. I've told him that I'm here for him if he needs me, and I've also tried inviting him to my church because I think he needs some spiritual uplifting. My friend seems to be stuck in a rut, and I am getting a sense that he does not want to do anything to get himself out of this depression. Is there any more I should be doing, or should I give him space? -- Trying to Help a Friend, Salt Lake City

DEAR TRYING TO HELP A FRIEND: As you already know, you cannot control your friend. What you can do is to stay in touch with him. If he will allow it, go visit him often. Do your best to get him to communicate. By the way, it's best to not do this by yourself. If you have church members who might be willing to pitch in to support him, ask them for help. If you know his family, call on them.

Ultimately, you may have to stand down, but not before you make it crystal clear to him that you love him and want to help him climb out of his rut. If your friend is depressed, he should get medical help. No matter your good intentions, you cannot be that for him. You can tell him as much, but he has to make the choice to get help.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After 15 years of marriage, my wife has decided to become a vegetarian. In addition, she wants me to join her on her quest for a healthy lifestyle. I am not opposed to a healthy lifestyle; however, this is the holiday season, and I want to enjoy all the treats this time of year has to offer. My wife can be stubborn in her ways, and I do not want to cause any trouble when I tell her I will not change my eating habits until the top of the year. Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince her to start her vegetarian lifestyle in 2015? -- A Reasonable Request, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR A REASONABLE REQUEST: You do not need to convince your wife to change her personal timeline for becoming vegetarian. What you need to do is make it clear to her what your timeline is. If you want to enjoy holiday fare, you can make it yourself, ask her to make it or go to other gatherings where you can happily consume it.

If you want to embark upon this vegetarian journey with her, by all means tell her that you want to walk this path together and that your start date is Jan. 1. By affirming the positive, whatever that is for you, you will create space for her to navigate her own interests without feeling held back, judged or pressured by you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A group of friends has invited me to hang out with them on New Year's Eve. They plan to go to Times Square and hang out while the ball drops. I like them, but I hate that idea. I used to party around New Year's, and I went to Times Square a few times in my 20s. This will be my friends' first time in the city, and I know how much it will mean to them if I take them to see the ball drop. I like the idea of being alone and thinking about my life. I am afraid to tell them I may not go with them. They may call me corny or even a party pooper. How should I address this? -- No Times Square for Me, Bronx, New York

DEAR NO TIMES SQUARE FOR ME: Typically, tourists are the people who flock to Times Square on New Year's Eve. Yes, it can be exciting. But as you know, it is extremely crowded, usually cold and super intense. You do not have to join your friends in Times Square on New Year's Eve.

I recommend that you manage their expectations by letting them know upfront what your plans are as you talk to them about theirs. Be honest about your intentions for bringing in 2015. Many people, by the way, make the choice to be reflective and still as one year transitions into the next. You do not need to apologize about that. Instead, be willing to help them find out details about the Times Square festivities. You may even want to take them there and show them the subway stops and the lay of the land in general, and then leave. You can be a good host without participating in every activity with them. If you would like, you may want to invite them to join you for a toast and a meal before they head out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am signed up to go to a lovely luncheon with an exclusive group of women in my town. I have been looking forward to this for weeks. I cannot go now, though, because I have come down with a GI problem; basically I can't eat and am very uncomfortable. I need to tell the organizers that I will be unable to attend. If possible, I would like to get my money back as well. But most of all, I want to back out gracefully. How do I do that without telling them the details of my illness? -- Cannot Go, Chicago

DEAR CANNOT GO: If you have enough time, write a note to the organizers saying how much you have been looking forward to this luncheon but unfortunately you cannot attend because you are under the weather. You do not need to go into details about what's wrong. You can express your hope that they are able to sell your ticket to someone else and ask if you could be reimbursed.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)