Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I visited my friend's home today. We went out to eat with her family. My friend has a sister, Beth, who has Tourette's and mental disabilities. Beth's tics are frequent, and I noticed people looking over at us as she had them. This was my first experience being stared at in a restaurant, and I felt so sympathetic to my friend's family, who has learned to ignore the stares. During the meal, someone came up and asked what Beth was doing. I was astonished by how brazen this was. The mother politely explained that Beth has uncontrollable tics. I always assumed it would never be the family's responsibility to explain a disability to a nosey stranger. Should the mother have told the stranger to get away from our table? -- None of Their Business, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS: Observing your friend's mother was wise of you. This family has had to learn how to navigate their everyday life with a child who has noticeable disabilities. The mom has an appropriate amount of compassion for others who notice her daughter's tics and are curious. Rather than being offended, she takes the position that she must educate others. This is probably the easiest way to manage. Your friend's mom knows that unless you have witnessed or had to deal with someone with such a disorder, you likely have no idea what it is or how to behave when you see it happening.

This doesn't mean that people in a restaurant or other establishment should feel they have the right to ask what's wrong with a person in your party. People should mind their business. But if someone approaches respectfully, giving context to the disabled person's condition may be the easiest way to end the engagement.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend has just confessed to me that his dad has been unfaithful to his mother for years. My boyfriend just found this out, and he does not know if his parents will be getting divorced. I have already made the decision to not tell my parents because I have heard their opinions about cheating. Now I do not know how to act when I see his dad; I have lost so much respect for him. This cheating has been going on my boyfriend's whole life. I have never had to deal with something like this in my family. Do I pretend to not know about this when I speak to his father? -- Cheating Scum, Baltimore

DEAR CHEATING SCUM: As hard as it may be to keep your mouth shut, you must. This is completely not your business. What happens between your boyfriend's parents is their concern. Since you and your boyfriend are close and he just learned, I understand why he told you. You can be a good listener as he processes this information, but be mindful not to be judgmental with him. These are his parents. He will go through a range of emotions. Just be there for him. Love him. Listen, and keep your opinions to yourself.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I try to stay as fit as I can, and I go to the gym once a day. I never ask anyone to go with me, because I know my friends don't like to exercise and think I'm a health nut. Instead of me imposing on them to join my fitness schedule, my friends have actually been trying to persuade me to stop going to the gym! This offends me; I never try to change people or impose my beliefs on them. Running and exercise make me happy, so I go to the gym alone at night. My friends think that my schedule affects them because I'm at the gym during dinnertime or later at night, so I'm not always available for social outings. If I ever quipped back that maybe they should go to the gym instead of me skipping, it would definitely start problems, but I'm really sick of them telling me I'm "too healthy" or taking out their gym insecurities on me. How do I get them to stop trying to denigrate my fitness? -- Solo Gym Rat, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR SOLO GYM RAT: Ignore them when they go on about your fitness regimen. Spend time with them when you can. And I highly recommend that you add a friend or two from your "healthy" world so that you have the option of hanging out with them on occasion.

Your gym life is like a boyfriend in your friend's eyes. Though they may be happy for you, they are also jealous that it's taking up too much of "their" time. It's a no-win situation. One way you can be OK with it is to remind them that you love them, that you intend to keep up your fitness schedule and that you would appreciate it if they would stop complaining.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been trying to make some extra money recently. I applied for a job I really thought I'd be great for. The only issue is, I never heard back. This was not an incredibly difficult job out of my reach, and I was very excited about making some money and expanding my resume. I'm slightly bummed, but I'm more confused. It's been over a week since I applied, and I did not get a rejection or an acceptance. Did they not receive my application? Do jobs not reject people anymore and just ignore them? -- Failed Job Hunter, Denver

DEAR FAILED JOB HUNTER: Have some patience. A week is not a long time for a potential employer to be silent. Unless you were told you would hear back quickly, chances are, the company is still considering options or may even still be interviewing people. If you want to do something proactive, you can write to your contact there to remind him of how excited you are about the possibility of working there. Say something about your skill and interest in the job. Tell him that you are hopeful that the job will be yours.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: After a swim class, I went into the shower immediately and forgot my towel. I realized my forgetfulness too late, so I was stuck with either putting my chlorine-filled bathing suit back on or quickly streaking to my locker. I had just showered, so I tried to cover myself as best I could while walking the 30 feet to my belongings. As I was passing, a woman rolled her eyes at me. This was in a locker room, and although I know times have changed, people used to be naked in there all the time. I didn't want to do anything that would bring attention to me, so I pretended to not see her get angry over something that people have the right to do in locker rooms. If this were to happen again, I would snap back, but my best friend told me I am not certain why the woman was rolling her eyes and may be hypersensitive. I think there is no other possibility than it being at me! -- Streaker, Syracuse, New York

DEAR STREAKER: Relax. It is hardly the end of the world that you forgot your towel. I'm sure you were as discreet as you could be under the circumstances. Hopefully you won't forget your towel in the future, but if you do, there's no need to "snap back." Instead, stay focused on getting to your locker and getting dressed. A locker room is a place where people commonly are naked, if only momentarily.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to think there was a social etiquette regarding headphones. Specifically, that if someone had his headphones in, he did not want to be spoken to unless it was absolutely necessary. I guess I must have made that up, because my girlfriend will speak to me regardless of what I'm doing at home and expect me to listen. It's been driving me nuts; I like to have my personal time, but if she wants to tell a story or speak to me for whatever reason, she will say it from across the apartment and get peeved that I didn't listen. I didn't even hear her speaking! I told her I'd like to have some quiet time when I have my headphones in, but she insists her stories and questions are quick and important. I have wanted to bring up the fact that it is unspoken social etiquette not to bother someone when he has headphones in. Am I in the wrong, or is my girlfriend in the wrong? -- Quiet Time, Detroit

DEAR QUIET TIME: In order to have peaceful quiet time, you and your girlfriend need to talk about boundaries, expectations and ways of living together. As much as people may love each other, learning to live together is a completely different matter. Schedule a time when the two of you bring your ideas to the table -- your likes, dislikes, preferences and habits. Learn about each other's pet peeves, and figure out how to give each other the space to be yourselves and stay connected. That includes agreeing on how to respond to headphones!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)