Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend owns a knickknack shop on our town's Main Street. Business has been getting slower and slower for her, and she told me she is shocked she is going under right before the holiday season. She doesn't want to mark her products at lower prices, and assumes the closer it gets to the holidays, the better she'll do. I think this is a poor business model. I had a successful shop years ago and passed it off to my children. Should I give her some friendly advice? -- Overstepping to Help, Poughkeepsie, New York

DEAR OVERSTEPPING TO HELP: Offering unsolicited advice can be very hard to manage successfully, especially when people are experiencing hard times. If you are up for it, one way to make the attempt to be heard is to ask for permission before speaking. You can remind your friend that you once had a successful shop. Ask her if she would care to know some of the strategies that worked for you to stay in business. With her blessing, share your insights without passing judgment on her choices.

During the holidays, it's common for stores to offer special sales and value-added opportunities to persuade customers to shop with them. If your friend does not have low-ticket, affordable items in the store already, she may want to add a few of those items. She may want to play holiday music and offer free hot cider for shoppers. Encourage her to get creative in her welcoming approach to customers. Her positive outlook is key to her success.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends, Nick, wants to kick his smoking habit. He does well during the weekdays, but I have caught him smoking outside of bars and restaurants on the weekends. Should I remind him of his goals? I don't want to seem like a parent, but I want him to kick this nasty habit. -- No Puffing, Salt Lake City

DEAR NO PUFFING: Since Nick has told you that he wants to quit smoking, you can remind him of his plan when you see him smoking. But do so with caution. Smoking is an addiction that is extremely hard to kick. When you see Nick, you can ask him if he would like your support toward his goal. If he agrees, suggest that he not go to the bars and restaurants where he normally has smoked on the weekends.

A principle in 12-step programs relates to people, places and things. The best way to steer clear of the impulse to smoke is to stay away from the people with whom he smoked, the places where he went to smoke and anything that may trigger his desire to smoke. This may be the hardest part, because it requires a person to step away from many aspects of his life for a while, if not forever, in order to kick a nasty habit.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter came to me and told me that she wants an intrauterine device before President-elect Trump is sworn in. She told me this has been a popular movement and wants a form of birth control that will outlive the presidency, but she's only 17 years old. I feel like this is too young to be on birth control. She doesn't even have a boyfriend! I told her I would think about it. Should I let my daughter go through with this? We are a conservative family, but I definitely do not want to be an unplanned grandma. -- Five Years of Protection, Baltimore

DEAR FIVE YEARS OF PROTECTION: Your daughter's precautionary concerns bring up many contemplations. On one hand, it may be like the cries of moving to Canada that people on both sides of the aisle threatened if their candidate lost. On the other, there is a question as to whether Roe v. Wade is in jeopardy of being overturned. While no one anticipates or desires that they or their child would have an abortion, if that option goes away, there are serious health implications for sexually active people. All indicators suggest that it will take years to reverse that ruling, if it ever gets removed.

You need to find out more about your daughter's thoughts and experiences. Investigate to find out if she is considering sexual activity. Framing it as protection against the incoming administration could be a real worry -- or it could simply be a way to get birth control. Talk to your daughter's doctor about the use of an IUD and the health implications. Learn everything you can, and then present an informed decision to your daughter. Know that an IUD may prevent pregnancy, but it will not protect against sexually transmitted diseases.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I noticed one of my friends rekindling her relationship with her ex. They were each other's arch nemesis for the past year, and they constantly dragged me into their fights. Them getting back together just feels like trouble. I have been debating removing myself from their circle of friends, but I hope that she might find the light and stop wasting her time with this man. Should I interfere or let her waste the rest of 2016? -- Bad Choices, Philadelphia

DEAR BAD CHOICES: You cannot prevent your friends from getting back together, but you can control your involvement. Rather than telling your friend that you think she is wasting her time, let her know that you refuse to be dragged into the middle of their volatile relationship should they decide to get back together. Spell it out for her: You do not want to know about their interactions, and you do not intend to spend time with the two of them. If she balks, make it clear to her that you care for her deeply, but you also care enough for yourself to refuse to get drawn into their negativity and drama. You must draw the line to protect yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a graduating from college in May. I love school and am grateful that I have had summer internships that landed me a job post-graduation. However, I do not have a job now and funds are low. I don't want to work in food service considering I have a nice salary waiting for me after college. My friends have told me to lower my expectations in this city, but if I can get a great salary post-graduation, why can't I get a good one now? -- Broke with Standards, New Haven, Connecticut

DEAR BROKE WITH STANDARDS: Now is a time both to count your blessings that you have a job secured once you graduate and to get realistic. If you need a job now, get what you can get. Don't let your high standards about your future cloud your present. What are the available jobs at your school or in your area? Look online, on community boards -- everywhere you can. Listen carefully to your friends. Rather than dismissing their suggestions, find out from them where the jobs are. In the scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all what job you have for the next few months. It does matter that you have money in your pocket.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a black thumb and have never been able to keep a plant alive in my home. Despite this, my husband still brings home flowers or potted plants. I either drown or drought them. His ex-wife has a luscious greenhouse with a thriving garden, and I am simply not her. How can I tell my husband to quit bringing home plants if I'm just going to end up killing them? He doesn't understand that I only do great with fake plants! -- Black Thumb, San Diego

DEAR BLACK THUMB: Your husband likely grew accustomed to having lots of plants and flowers around when he was married previously. What you need to negotiate with him is how he can continue to enjoy this beauty by taking responsibility for it. Perhaps he has learned how to care for flowers and plants. Talk to him about it. Point out that you simply do not have the wherewithal to keep these plants alive, even if you enjoy having them around.

Suggest that if he wants to fill the house with plants and flowers, you need him to do more than bring them into the house. You need him to tend to them. Acknowledge that it is not easy for you to be in the position of even trying to measure up to his ex-wife, who seems to live and breathe gardening. As much as you might want to provide this for him and your household, make it clear that this is not your forte. Tell him that you are feeling stressed because you cannot keep the plants alive. Ask him to assume responsibility for any living plant he brings into the house.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)