Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to an after-work event about a month ago, and I agreed, primarily because I am trying to put myself out there more. (I tend to be a homebody.) It is a cocktail party to launch the fall season in my industry.

The crazy thing is, I just got another invitation for the same evening to another event, and the second one sounds way better than the first. The second one has an amazing guest and sponsor list. It looks great. Both are receptions, not sit-down dinners. I really want to go to the second one. It feels like a better fit. I suppose I could go to both and split my time, but I don’t really want to do that. What do you think is best? -- Making a Choice, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR MAKING A CHOICE: Ideally, you should go to the event that you first accepted. If there is enough time between now and that activity, though, you can reach out to the organizer and say that you can no longer attend. Thank them for the invitation and wish them well. As you mentioned, you can also choose to spend a bit of time at both events. If they are not too far apart, why not go to one for an hour and to the other for the second hour? Many people attend multiple events in an evening during the busy season. If you can manage that, you may discover two different groups of people and may make some meaningful connections at each. Plus, it’s great that two different entities want you at their events. Get out there and go to as many functions as you can. This can be beneficial to you socially and emotionally.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an acquaintance who is always complaining about not having enough money, yet she doesn’t work. Her husband is the principal breadwinner in her family. It is true that she stayed at home to take care of the kids when they were young, but they are now grown and married. It seems to me that she could figure out some way to earn a little money to help her household. She is accustomed to having a certain status, but that is long gone. Instead of doing something about her circumstances, she moans on and on about what she doesn’t have. I am tired of listening to it. Should I say something? -- Enough Already, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: Your friend sounds stuck. She once enjoyed a lifestyle that she and her husband can no longer support. Living in the moment can be hard when the present feels uncomfortable.

When she starts her moaning, point out that she does have options. If she needs more money, suggest that she look for a part-time job. She can think about what she is good at. Is she creative? Does she have administrative skills? There has to be something she can do that others would appreciate and potentially pay for.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a hard time saving any money. I work two minimum-wage jobs, and it’s not enough. I am the main one providing for my mama and my siblings. My mama was injured a few years ago, and she needs my help. My siblings range in age from 14 to 24. I know I should save for the future, but right now I hardly make enough to feed the family every week. What can I do to make things better? -- Need to Save, Milwaukee

DEAR NEED TO SAVE: I recently spoke with a financial planner, who explained that even in the worst circumstances, you should do your best to take 10 percent off of each check and put it in savings. Even when this seems impossible, she suggested that it is essential and worth it in the long run. When you are faced with what seems like insurmountable bills, get creative. What meals can you prepare that cost less? What can anyone else in the household do to bring in extra income? Talk to your family as a group, and brainstorm ways in which each person can help. Your siblings can mow lawns, clean houses, handle a paper route and other random jobs. You must encourage them all to take on a role that will help defray the expenses.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work with a freelancer who has great ideas but is always late. I cannot stand being late for meetings. I understand it can happen from time to time, but this is a regular occurrence for this woman. I have spoken to her about time management, and she always has an excuse. She has shown up for important client meetings late -- and nonchalant about it, to boot.

I have had to apologize to clients for her attitude and tardiness. Amazingly, when she finally gets in the room, she performs like crazy. Even the clients are enthralled with her. I don’t want to stop working with her, but I do need to figure out a way to inspire her to be on time. Any suggestions? -- On Time, Dallas

DEAR ON TIME: If this woman is valuable enough to you, trick her into being on time. Determine what her normal “late” means, and tell her that your meeting time is that many minutes earlier than planned. So, a 2 p.m. meeting might be scheduled for her at 1:30. If she shows up for the newly appointed time at your 2 p.m. on-time schedule, consider this a victory.

Ultimately, though, you will need to talk to her about reality. After she gets on board with scheduling, tell her how concerned you are that you had to fool her to get it right. Point out that in order to be successful in your business -- or any business -- she MUST be on time. Period.

If you want to add something positive, tell her how much your clients seem to appreciate her participation. You do not want her lateness to be a blemish on an otherwise stellar record.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: After listening to the accusations made against Brett Kavanaugh, I am horrified to admit that I have been a blackout drunk before -- on more than one occasion.

My husband and I drink a lot, and I would say that we take turns drinking too much. When he does it, he gets loud and aggressive. When I do it, I have to rely on him for my memories. He says that I yell and talk too much and am pushy. I know that we are not in a healthy place regarding our drinking. I have never said this to anybody, and sharing it with you is still anonymous. But when I heard about the incident between Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford, I realized how easy it is to get into a situation like that. I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t want us to do anything that we regret. -- Blackout Drunk, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR BLACKOUT DRUNK: Thank you for your candor on this topic. I appreciate that when things happen culturally or politically, people take the topic to heart and look to see how it affects their own lives. Drinking too much is a national pastime -- obviously not for everyone, but it is common. If you and your husband are drinking excessively on a regular basis, that’s a sign that you need to examine your lives and figure out what’s not working that is leading you to self-medicate.

This may be one of your hardest tasks to date, but you would likely benefit tremendously from attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, preferably with your husband. Go -- with him or solo -- and listen to what people are going through. Consider letting go of your drinking so that you can address what lies beneath. You are looking for help. It is as close as a free meeting of people who are all struggling with the same core issue. To find a meeting, go to alcoholicsanonymous.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a terrible experience with my hairdresser a couple of years ago, and my stylist didn’t handle it well. He damaged my hair and wouldn't admit it. I ended up with a messed-up head of hair, and I was mad. I left and went to another stylist, and then another. In the end, I’m not yet happy with my hair. I saw my old hairdresser the other day, and we spoke awkwardly. If I want to go back to him, how do I address this? We left on weird terms because he wouldn’t admit that he had done anything wrong -- and he did. -- Going Back, Atlanta

DEAR GOING BACK: Think about going back to your old hairdresser as a business decision. Contact him and ask for a consultation. Start by saying that you were disappointed in the way he handled your challenge two years ago. Admit that you have not successfully found someone to replace him. Tell him that you would like to try again. Ask him to be more attentive and to listen more carefully. If he is a smart businessman, he will apologize and work with you to figure out how to do a better job of doing your hair.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)