Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: The holidays are coming, and I am worried about how the conversations will go. We will be traveling down South to visit family, and in our relatively small family, we do not share similar political views. Given how divided Americans are in general, I am concerned about how our dinner-table conversations will go. In previous years, some of my cousins got into serious arguments with other family members because they did not agree on basic principles -- and this was before today’s name-calling and nasty commentary.

How can I manage our time together so that the friction is limited? I want to enjoy some peaceful meals and conversations together, but I’m afraid that we will mostly be arguing. -- Holidays and Politics

DEAR HOLIDAYS AND POLITICS: There are a couple of ways to approach your dilemma, which, by the way, is far more common than you might imagine. You can let your family know upfront that in the spirit of the holidays, they must leave all political discussions at the door. Ask for everyone’s agreement that nobody will talk about their candidates of choice or the hot political issues that have a chokehold on the national conversation these days. Know, however, that this is a lot to ask.

Shy of that extreme position, you might also suggest that there should be times when politics are considered taboo. For example, you could request no political discussions during meals. Ask the family to honor that rule.

You can agree to debate ideas without maligning each other’s names or their candidate of choice. In other words, ask your family members to be civil and respectful, especially when they disagree. In America, we are supposed to have the freedom to express our political views without fear of persecution. This should include the same freedom in the safety of your home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to be the member of my family who seemed to have it all together. I have never had a lot of money, but I used to do much better than I am doing now. Recently, my finances became a source of ridicule and judgment when I was unable to participate in a special group activity. I am so embarrassed that I don’t have my money right. Sometimes I feel like my family would be better off if I just disappeared. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I also don’t want to be the one who can’t pitch in. I do have a healthy life insurance policy. If I die, they would all have money. I wonder if they would be happier then? -- Feeling Deflated

DEAR FEELING DEFLATED: Being embarrassed about financial challenges is real, and many people experience this feeling when others discover their financial status. I am sorry that your life has not unfolded in the way that you envisioned. The fact is, though, that you have to deal with what you are facing. You must remain honest with yourself and your family members in order to create any sort of peace in your life.

As it relates to your insurance, please do not think that your family’s struggles will end if you die. They will miss you and mourn for you. Stop imagining the what-ifs of your demise. If you need help to get past that, get a therapist or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter often has one of her friends over after school and on weekends. I have noticed that this girl does not have very good hygiene. Her hair is usually dirty and greasy, and many times her clothes are soiled. My daughter has never been to her house, so I have no sense of what her life is like, but I am concerned about her.

This is a delicate topic. I want to be able to help my daughter’s friend, but I’m not sure how. One thought I had was to buy a double set of shampoo and conditioner and offer it to the girl, telling her that my daughter loves it and she might, too. Would that be considered offensive? How can I be supportive of this young lady without crossing a line? -- How To Help

DEAR HOW TO HELP: Since this young lady comes to your home sometimes on the weekends, what if you invite her for a sleepover that you design as a special girls’ event? It can include an at-home beauty salon where you do the girls’ hair, or they do each other’s hair. You can buy a few spa products that they can use, like bath bombs or face masks. Meanwhile, you can launder all of the clothes and have the girls wear jammies.

This will be a fun pampering experience. Unless you make a goody bag for both girls, I would not just give her toiletries to take home. You never know how her parents will react to that. Instead, just make the girls’ night a fun experience that they can repeat at another time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a huge argument with my sister over the care of our elderly parents, and we haven’t spoken since. She took a high-and-mighty position, even though she hardly ever helps out on anything. She lives thousands of miles away and rarely comes home to visit. Occasionally she sends money, but honestly, she is not involved.

When she called to yell at me about what she thought I was doing wrong in helping our parents, I totally lost it. It’s not that I am perfect, but who is she to yell at me when she is doing nothing to help? I don’t want this argument to end our communication. How can we get past this ugly moment? What I need more than her judgment is for her to help out. -- Mending Fences

DEAR MENDING FENCES: Since you are thinking about it, why not pick up the phone and call your sister? Tell her that you are not comfortable with how things were left. Tell her that you did not appreciate her tone when you last spoke. Point out that you have been doing your best to care for your parents for some time now. If she has constructive criticism to offer, you are open to listening, but yelling at you has to be off-limits.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend has a daughter who is a gymnast. She is on scholarship at her college for gymnastics, and she is very good at it.

The other day at practice, one of her teammates slipped and fell and ultimately died from her injuries. We are all reeling at this awful situation. She was a beautiful young woman, and it’s hard to wrap our heads around what happened. I know my friend is thinking about pulling his daughter from the team, but no decision is easy now. How can I support my friend as he and his family deal with this tragedy? -- Support in Grief

DEAR SUPPORT IN GRIEF: This tragedy represents one of the greatest fears that parents have for their athletic children. Research suggests that gymnastics is a dangerous sport. According to Elsevier Global Medical News, gymnasts experience 4.8 injuries per 1,000 annually, a figure that compares to contact sports such as hockey and basketball. Still, most gymnasts suffer survivable injuries.

For your friend, this is a time of shock and contemplation. On one hand, he probably wants to take his daughter out of harm’s way entirely, but hopefully he won’t make a decision just yet. Now is the time for mourning. I’m sure the coaches and school are providing counseling services for the students. Perhaps your friend could benefit from grief counseling, too.

For your part, be a good listener. Do your best not to share your opinion. This is a decision that his family has to make, and it probably feels impossible to address right now. Offer love, compassion and a listening ear. If asked for your opinion, deflect and say that you just want to support his family. You do not know what’s best.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was talking to a new friend, and during our mostly pleasant conversation, she started comparing herself and her life to characters in old movies. I don’t know if she realized it, but some of her references were outright racist. She doesn’t come off as a racist person, but wanting a house and life like that in “Gone With the Wind,” where the plantation Tara was considered a prize, reeks of our racist past. To long for a time and a home that required the labor of slaves is horrific to me. I didn’t say anything to her, but I wonder if I should. I like this woman and wonder if she is so lost in her dream that she doesn’t realize the context that would allow it to exist. -- Teachable Moment

DEAR TEACHABLE MOMENT: If you care about this woman and believe that she might be able to hear your observations, make time to talk to her face-to-face. Tell her that you were thinking about her comments about wanting a property and life like Tara, and it was offensive to you. Explain to her that you know she was fantasizing, but point out that her fantasy is reliant upon a lifestyle that required the enslavement of other people. Since your friend loves old movies, remind her that “Gone With the Wind” was set during the Civil War and Reconstruction, times in our culture that were woefully unfair to many citizens.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)