Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I belong to a public service organization that is largely dysfunctional. I know that’s a bold statement, but I’m not kidding. I joined thinking that we were going to do good work for children in need in our community, but it looks like what we do more than anything is argue and bicker over little things that shouldn’t matter. I have tried to speak up for the people we are supposed to represent, but I feel like the arguing is drowning out the good work that we are trying to do. I feel like it is time for me to resign my position. Some friends in the organization are encouraging me to run for president instead. I just don’t think that I can make a big enough difference, even if I could win. I’m also not a quitter. What should I do? -- Wanting the Best

DEAR WANTING THE BEST: Human dynamics can get in the way of humanitarian work, unfortunately. If you ask around, you will probably hear that bickering is the culprit for many a dashed dream. That said, in your case you have to decide if you have the energy and coalition around you to fight for the children. You are right that you cannot do it by yourself, but if you have a large enough group of active members who would be willing to support you if you did take over the leadership, go for it. Walking away will not likely wake the group to better behavior.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Three of my college friends are getting married this summer. I am close to all of them and want to attend all three weddings, but I already know that I will have to make some cuts. One is in our hometown. Two are destination weddings. I can probably go to one of the travel weddings, but not both. How do I decide? And what do I say to my friend whose wedding I cannot attend? -- Wedding Blues

DEAR WEDDING BLUES: When wedding season arrives in your friend group and multiple friends choose to marry in a short time period, this often occurs. Attendees have to make choices that are weighted by finances and time. To figure out whose wedding to attend, consider a few factors. Who are you closest to? Which destination is more affordable and the best timing for you? Which friend would be the most understanding if you could not make it? Which invitation did you get first? Answer these questions, and consider the answers.

In the end, you should be thoughtful and honest with all of your friends. To the bride whose wedding you cannot attend, admit that you simply cannot afford to come. Apologize for your absence. Tell her you love her and look forward to supporting her in the months and years to come. You may also want to invite her and her husband to a special dinner with you after their wedding. You should also let her know that you will be attending a couple of your friend’s weddings, so that she is not shocked if she sees you or learns about your presence at other affairs.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is 10 years old, and she is already developing like a teenager. I am torn as to how to deal with this. When I was growing up, my mother made me wear undershirts until I was a teenager. She said that a nice girl shouldn’t wear a bra until she is a teen. My daughter clearly needs to wear a bra. Without one, she is actually drawing more attention to her body than if she had more control of her budding breasts. I feel like I should get her fitted for a bra, but I keep hearing my mother’s voice in my head. How can I reconcile this and support my child? -- Growing Pains

DEAR GROWING PAINS: It is time for you to listen to your own voice. Your instincts are telling you the right thing. Your child needs support for the body she is in, not the one you wish she inhabited. Keeping your mother’s sentiments in mind, you can be sure to get her “appropriate” bras.

There are bras designed for teens, including many without underwire, which you should choose for health reasons as well as presentation reasons. Look for sports bras that provide support without glamorizing. Avoid push-up bras or those marketed as “sexy.” Take her to a store where a knowledgeable salesperson can help you make smart decisions. Be upbeat when you talk to your daughter. She is likely uncomfortable and possibly confused by the changes in her body. The way you respond to her will make all the difference in how she embraces the woman she is becoming.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was scheduled to have lunch with a dear friend I haven’t seen in person for a year when she bowed out, saying that she couldn’t tear herself away from the impeachment hearings in order to meet with me.

I do believe it’s important to stay abreast of current events -- especially something as important as this topic is for our country -- but I feel like my friend is getting absorbed in the drama of the news cycle and all the craziness that is happening these days. In the midst of all of this, I think we should still live our lives and spend time with our loved ones. I was upset that she bailed on me in order to watch this. -- Blinded by Politics

DEAR BLINDED BY POLITICS: It is good that your friend feels it is important to stay on top of current events. It is not good that she is stalling her life in order to do so. This is why technology is important. Many TVs or cable and streaming services allow you to save programs to watch when you are ready. You should recommend this to your friend for next time. Make it clear that your feelings were hurt that she dumped you for this event. Suggest that keeping her plans with you is also important for her life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend has been confiding in me about her sex life with her husband. He has erectile dysfunction, and she is upset about it. He won’t go to the doctor because he is too embarrassed.

My friend is worried about her husband’s health, but sometimes she says she thinks it is happening because he is having an affair and has nothing left for her when he gets home. It is a mess, and I feel so bad for her and for them.

I don’t know what to say to her. When she asks for my advice, I am dumbfounded. I am not a doctor or a therapist. To be fair, usually I pipe up with all kinds of advice for her challenges, but I don’t know what to tell her. She says I’m being selfish because suddenly I’m quiet. How can I get the point across that this is above my pay grade? They need to visit a doctor. -- A Friend’s Problem

DEAR A FRIEND’S PROBLEM: You are doing the right thing by keeping your mouth closed. This is your friend’s problem, not yours, and it is a sensitive one. Do not share your opinion at all, no matter what it is.

You can point your friend to some facts about erectile dysfunction, namely that some serious illnesses are often the culprit. High blood pressure, diabetes, alcoholism, Parkinson’s disease, high cholesterol and obesity are among the underlying causes for this problem.

It is important for your friend’s husband to get a physical. You might say that it is more likely that he has a medical problem than that he is having an affair. She may be able to use that argument to push him to make an appointment.

For more information on this condition, point her to medicalnewstoday.com/articles/5702.php.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My in-laws are Jehovah’s Witnesses. That means that at the holidays, we end up not spending much time together. We don’t want to be insensitive to their values, which require that they not celebrate holidays, but we miss not spending time with them. Lots of family members come to town for about a week, and we struggle with how to include them. As my in-laws are getting older, we want to figure out a way to include them more in family activities. Any ideas? -- Family Ties

DEAR FAMILY TIES: If your family members are together for a week, map out a range of activities that are not holiday specific. While you may organize a special meal for the holiday to which they would not be invited, you can plan a family gathering the next day that is just to get together.

If you believe your in-laws would appreciate gifts that are not tied to a celebration, encourage family members who are coming from out of town to bring tokens of love for them, and those of you in town can make or buy something special for them. Call them “I love you” gifts.

Consider that you can fill your week with many special moments that include your in-laws if you start thinking of the gathering as family time rather than holiday time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)