Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: In the past few weeks, I have learned about several friends or people that I know who have died in their sleep. It is scaring me so much. These people were pretty young -- in their 40s and 50s. Each seemed relatively healthy, though one woman had the flu or some other similar respiratory problem. They have got me so worried, I can hardly sleep.

My husband calls me a hypochondriac because I have gone to the hospital a few times when I have had heart palpitations or other weird chest pains. So far, the doctors have never figured out that anything is wrong with me. I have stopped going to the hospital since they never find anything, but sometimes I wake up or can’t go to sleep because of weird chest pains. I don’t want to die -- or waste time, energy and money rushing to the hospital. How can I know when it is time to go? -- Emergency

DEAR EMERGENCY: It is time for you to get a physical. Go to your doctor and get a complete health workup. Explain what you have experienced and also your fears surrounding recent deaths. Ask for medical guidance for yourself so that you can learn the warning signs of possible emergency situations. Talk to your doctor about anxiety. Figure out if you possibly are experiencing any type of anxiety right now and if you are eligible for some type of medical support during this period.

Ask your husband to be more supportive. Tell him about the people who have recently passed away, and make it clear to him that you are worried because of it. Point out that when he passes judgment over your worries, it only makes you worry more. Most importantly, get support so that you can determine what your warning signs are. Hopefully this will help you to relax a bit.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been invited to a lot of special holiday events this season because I have a new job that is very social. I am excited to attend these functions, but I don’t begin to have the wardrobe for it. I have just graduated from college. I can’t wear the same dress every night. How can I manage the responsibilities of the social side of my job without going broke? -- Dress To Impress

DEAR DRESS TO IMPRESS: Start with a basic black cocktail dress and evening shoes, and invest in a few different accessories. If you change your earrings and necklace, you can stretch one simple look into several. Similarly, you can change your hairstyle, which will help to give you a refreshed look. You can also consider renting outfits for a nominal fee so that you can temporarily expand your wardrobe. There are several services available today that offer this option, including renttherunway.com, armoire.style and tbdress.com.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend told me that he was going on a business trip last week. When he got home, he dodged any questions about his trip. I did something I know I shouldn’t have: I looked at his phone and went through his text messages. While I can’t be 100% sure, it looks to me like he is seeing someone else. Maybe it’s a colleague or another person, but some of the messages while he was away seem personal and intimate -- and they are not written to me or by me. I’m not sure what to do about this. I fear that if I ask him, he will just lie. But the words on his phone definitely point to something fishy going on. How should I proceed? -- Finding the Truth

DEAR FINDING THE TRUTH: You can sit and agonize about this, or you can ask your boyfriend directly what’s going on. Come clean and tell him that you looked at his phone because your gut told you that something was wrong. Apologize for breaking his confidence by looking at his phone. Make it clear, though, that you are concerned about where you stand in your relationship. You are not interested in second-guessing him or worrying about your future. Ask him to give you the respect that you deserve and tell you if he wants to be in this relationship with you anymore. Urge him to be honest with you, even if it is hard to tell the truth. Tell him that you believe you deserve to know what’s really going on.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am friends with a neighbor. We have grown close in part because we live in the same building and it’s easy for us to get together and talk. I have noticed that some things about her really bother me. The biggest thing is that she talks too much. Even though she seems to be sweet and has good intentions, she shares too much about other people’s business. This makes me pretty sure that she does the same about me.

Because we talk a lot, I have told her some personal things about myself that I would rather not have other people know. I’m beginning to think that it isn’t safe to tell her my business. I’m not quite sure how to avoid that if we continue to spend time together. At the same time, I don’t want to nix her as a friend. I like her. I just think I shouldn’t tell her everything about my life. How should I handle this situation? -- Mouthy Friend

DEAR MOUTHY FRIEND: People who talk a lot, talk a lot. This friend has already proven to you that she has loose lips. Believe her. You are right in trying to figure out how to manage this friendship. When you talk to anybody regularly, it is natural for you to let your guard down. You probably need to limit your interactions with this woman, especially when you are feeling vulnerable. More, you should do your best to be a good listener rather than a talker when you are together. It can be easy to spend time with a talker without talking much yourself. Even so, you should limit your engagement if you don’t want her to spread your business.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have 10-year-old twin sons. Over the years, my husband and I have often given them the same gifts for holidays. We have done that in part because they are so similar. They are identical, and they spend most of their time together. This year, one of my twins took me aside and asked me to get him something very different from his brother. He further asked if I wouldn’t tell his brother because he didn’t want him to decide he wanted the same thing.

My boy is expressing his individuality, which is great. But now I’m wondering if I have been missing cues all along because they are identical. I know that they are two different people, but even I, as their mother, get forgetful because they are so similar. How can I be more attentive to both of my boys? -- Twin Blues

DEAR TWIN BLUES: Don’t beat yourself up. Instead, start having individual conversations with your boys on a regular basis, and listen carefully to what they say. Pay attention to learn their particular interests, likes and dislikes. Discover what makes each of them unique. As they grow up, they will continue to come into personal awareness of who they are and what makes them happy. Your job as their mother is to listen and respond accordingly.

You can start this season by getting the one twin what he has requested. You should also talk to the other twin to get a sense of his interests. Be careful, though, not to talk about what his brother has requested. Build an independent bond with him, and learn what he has to share with you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I noticed on social media that a college friend is very ill. I called her to check on her, and she was in the hospital. She sounded terrible and scared. I listened to her as long as she was able to talk before a doctor came in. I feel so bad for her, but I don’t know how to help. She lives several states away, and I simply cannot go to see her now. It is hard for her to talk on the phone because her breathing is compromised. How can I help her without causing her more pain? -- Friend in Need

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: You can text your friend to let her know you are thinking about her. Feel free to go old-school and send her a card, flowers or a plant. Pay attention to her. Since she is using social media, you can write pleasant messages to her on her favorite site, encouraging her and offering your blessings. But for a more intimate engagement, write to her directly.

You can call her, but let her know that you will do the talking, since her speaking is compromised. You can share stories with her about your life. You can tell her things about mutual friends. You can ask her if she needs support. She can write down her needs or tell you in brief bits of communication.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)