Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has started hanging out with a group of boys who are constantly getting into trouble. He is in the ninth grade at a new school, and I know he has had to figure out how to fit in, but what he is doing is not good for him. They have gotten in trouble for smoking marijuana on school property and drinking at a party with a bunch of other kids.

I know that teenagers try things, but I need my son to understand that his choices matter. How can I get him to take his actions seriously without coming across as a shrill mother who is overly protective? -- Helping My Boy

DEAR HELPING MY BOY: Pick a time to talk to your son when neither of you is distracted by other activities. You want to be calm, even-tempered and not accusatory. Talk to your son about life and the future. Let him know that you are disappointed that he has been making choices that compromise his reputation and that could put him in an adversarial relationship with law. Remind him that even though he is young, his actions matter, and what he does today will not necessarily be forgotten tomorrow.

Ask him if he has started to think about what he wants to do with his life. Explore his interests. In what subjects does he excel in school? What attracts his attention? Do your best to get him to think about what he wants to do with his life; encourage him to focus on those areas. The best way to get him to pivot from his current behavior is to help him explore something else that he may enjoy more.

DEAR HARRIETTE: About a month ago, my alma mater had our annual homecoming celebration. A couple of weeks later, one of my classmates who was there died. This is so sad and tragic.

We are getting to the age when more people are leaving us, but this one was shocking. I did not know that this friend was ill. We are all in our 50s, and things are beginning to break down. But I had no idea that this guy -- or any of us -- was close to death. Now I am freaking out about who might be next. I also keep wondering if it will be me. I feel like I’m in the prime of my life with a growing family and a good job. What if I died tomorrow? I’m finding it hard to talk to my wife about this, but I know that my attitude isn’t good. I am afraid. What should I do? -- Facing Mortality

DEAR FACING MORTALITY: When people close to us die, it can shake us into a new sense of reality. Of course you know that people die at all ages for a wide variety of reasons, illness among them. Consider this a wake-up call for your own health. Go to your doctor and get a complete physical. Find out the status of your health, and do whatever is necessary to remain as healthy as possible. Know that your wife will probably welcome an open and honest conversation about health. Go for it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a love-hate relationship with my cousin. We have become close in recent years, but he also gets on my nerves.

He recently moved back to our hometown because he lost his job, and he couldn’t afford to stay where he was living. Both of his parents are dead, so he really is alone. That said, he constantly calls me. Sometimes he calls twice a day to talk about nothing. I get that friends do that, but he goes overboard.

I don’t want to walk away from my cousin, but I do not know how to keep some boundaries in my life and, at the same time, get to know him better. I don’t want to shut the door on him. -- How To Connect

DEAR HOW TO CONNECT: You have to create boundaries with your cousin, just as you would with anybody else. You can continue to get to know him without having to agree to connect with him whenever he chooses. Figure out what healthy engagement with him looks like. Is it once a week? Once a month? A couple of days a week? Now think about how often you actually do communicate with him. If you speak far more frequently than you’d like, pull back. You can even tell your cousin that your schedule is full, and you will not be able to speak to him as frequently as you have up to now. If he continues to call too often, let the calls go to voicemail when you are unavailable.

You will have to train him to recognize that when you are unavailable, you really will not connect with him. If you do that successfully for a few months, he should get the message.

It is essential to understand that by limiting your engagement with him, you are not loving him less. Instead, you are respecting yourself and your time and also creating a healthy space to engage with him in a positive manner.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating my boyfriend for three months. A month ago, he asked me to be his “girlfriend,” which was very sweet, and I accepted. We are in community college together.

Since we have been dating for this long and are now committed, should I get him a Christmas gift? If so, what is appropriate? I really don’t want to overplay my hand. In the past, I have gone all out for boyfriends -- only to get burned. I want to be appropriate, but I also want to show him that I like him. What should I do? -- Gifting for New Beau

DEAR GIFTING FOR NEW BEAU: Why not use this as an opportunity to get to know your boyfriend better? Ask him about his family’s holiday rituals. Find out what he did as a child for the holidays, including gift-giving.

You can also be direct about gifting between the two of you. Ask him if he would like to exchange gifts with you for the holidays. If so, talk about what you both would like as gifts. A friend of mine used to make rules around gift-giving with her partner. They would set low price limits and see how creative they could be in coming up with the perfect gift. You can make the gifting experience fun if you do it together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When my daughter was a baby, we had a nanny who took care of her for many years. Time has passed so quickly; my daughter is about to go to college.

We recently heard from our former nanny, and she really wants to see my daughter before she goes away. The problem is that my daughter is so caught up in her friends and school that she is usually too busy to think about the elders in her life -- even though she loves her nanny a lot. How can I get her to slow down for a minute and make time to see this person who is important to her? -- Nanny Love

DEAR NANNY LOVE: Now is the time to put your foot down. Schedule a time when you invite your nanny over or organize a meal at a restaurant or some other mutually comfortable location. Let your daughter know that it is a requirement that she make time to visit with her former nanny. Don’t set it up as a punishment; instead, encourage her to be excited by letting her know how special it is that her nanny wants to see her after so many years. In the end, though, make it clear that you expect your daughter to show up with a smile on her face to spend time with this trusted extended family member. If she refuses, take away some privileges until she is forced to wake up to who she is and what she values.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to the funeral of a friend’s father. He was a prominent person in his hometown, and the funeral was very nice -- as those things go. My friend, however, was very upset.

When we were growing up, my friend used to say that her father was mean to her and her brother. Now that he has died, those old memories are bubbling up, and she is upset again.

At the family gathering after the funeral, we had to take her to another room when she started shouting about how mad she was at her dad. She has a right to her feelings, but the way she handled herself at the funeral was not good. I think she needs help in order to get past these bad memories. How can I get her to see this? -- Grieving Friend

DEAR GRIEVING FRIEND: Death stirs up all manner of emotions, and people do need to go through whatever surfaces. That doesn’t mean that your friend should have gotten a pass for being rude at her father’s funeral. It does mean that now would be the perfect time to get professional help to sort through what she’s feeling.

As her friend, you can gently suggest that a grief counselor might be useful as she explores her emotions. Tell her that you wish you had the training and experience to help her properly, but you don’t. Encourage her to engage a professional who can listen to her objectively and help her understand what her thoughts and feelings mean and how to process them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)