Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has been dating the same boy for two years. They seem to be in love. We like him and his family.

About six months ago, my daughter came to me to ask me to help her get birth control. We talked about what she was considering, and I helped her. I did not tell my husband. He is very conservative and would be upset to learn that his daughter is no longer a virgin. I was being practical. Whether or not I helped her, she was making the decision to be sexually active. I feel bad, though, keeping this from my husband.

The young man recently asked to marry our daughter. Should I keep this secret to myself, or should I tell my husband that they are already intimate? -- My Daughter’s Secret

DEAR MY DAUGHTER’S SECRET: Now would not be the time for you to come clean about your daughter’s sexual history. Clearly, she and her boyfriend are preparing to formalize their relationship. This is great news. Your daughter’s intimate relationship with her boyfriend is her business. Let her have control over that. Instead of fretting over what you didn’t share with your husband, pay attention to the future. Talk to your husband about how the two of you can support them as they start their life together. Invite him to participate in the wedding plans. Ultimately, his wish for his daughter is coming true. He does not need to know the details of how they got there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a high-pressure environment. The only way I figured out how to be successful was to put 100% of my focus on work and not to date or even spend time with friends. It was a bit lonely, but I did rise to the top of my industry.

Now, though, as a woman in my 40s, I wonder if it was worth it. Many of the women I grew up with have built good careers while also having husbands and children -- not all of them, but a lot. I was asked to speak at a mentoring event, and I am conflicted about what to say. I want to be honest, but I don’t want to discourage young women from entering my field. How can I be truthful and encouraging at the same time? -- Giving Advice

DEAR GIVING ADVICE: When you speak to the group of professional hopefuls, tell the truth. Talk about the steps you took to get to where you are, what you have enjoyed about the journey and what the downfalls have been. Point out that you felt you had to be laser focused in order to rise as quickly as you did. Let them know that this meant you allowed little time for friends or dating. While that seemed fine at the time, you now realize that you gave up precious years that you can’t get back. Talk about your happiness as well as your regrets. What satisfies you about your life? What do you wish you had achieved that you don’t have? Would you do it over again in the same way? What would you have done differently? Your honest answers to your own questions will show these young women that the journey is not simple and that all choices have consequences. End on a positive note that is honest and shows a path for success.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect that my teenage son is gay, but he won’t talk to me about his life at all. I want to be supportive, and I have a male friend who is gay. Do you think it is appropriate for me to talk to my friend about this? I want to ask him if he would try to talk to my son to get a sense of where his head is and whether he needs someone to talk to who understands what’s happening in his life. -- Sounding Board

DEAR SOUNDING BOARD: Figuring out who you are is a lifelong activity, and for teens, it can seem overwhelming.

It is daunting to be a parent who has a suspicion but cannot get their child to talk. This is where the “village” comes in. Your friend may be able to serve in that role. But here’s an important question: Does your son know your friend already? It may be difficult to get your son to open up to someone who is a stranger. Still, it’s worth a try. Perhaps you can create a casual introduction where you invite this friend to come over, and you can see if they strike up a conversation. What probably won’t work is for this guy to start talking about being gay without a natural entree.

Apart from that, pay attention to your son. Tell him you want to support him as he goes through these teenage years. Ask him if he is interested in anybody at school, or if he wants to date at all. Don’t pry. Just ask a few questions.

By the way, this is what you should do regardless of your child’s sexual orientation. Do your best to stay close to your son so that as his life unfolds, he will want to talk to you about it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was at a holiday party at a friend’s house, and we were all having a great time when my client called my cell. It was late at night, but it was also the night before a big project we were working on.

Anyhow, my phone was sitting on the kitchen table when it rang, and a guy who was there -- who was decidedly drunk -- picked up my phone, answered it and started yelling and cursing. I don’t even know what all he said. I tried to get my phone from him once I realized he had it, but he held it above his head. It was a surreal experience, like we had all reverted back to elementary school. My client was shocked. She texted, asking who had answered my phone. I immediately texted back that it was a guest at this party and not someone I knew. I apologized, but I have been getting the cold shoulder ever since. How can I fix this? -- Mending a Fence

DEAR MENDING A FENCE: Reach out to your client once more, and let her know that you realize how unfortunate the incident was when the man you don’t know held your phone hostage. Remind her that you were not in control of your phone. From there, you should pivot to the work at hand. If you are working on a project for her, focus on that. Make sure you do a great job so that you remind her of who you are and your value to her company.

In the future, don’t leave your phone out so that you can stop such a childish thing from happening. Having it in your possession at all times also prevents potential theft.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine got displaced recently. Her neighborhood is being gentrified, and her apartment building was sold. She had no choice but to move -- even though she had lived there for more than 20 years. It was awful. She told me that she was moving out west, but I realize I have no idea where she is. I have tried to reach her, but I’ve only gotten to her through social media. We used to talk periodically. I am worried that she is not doing well. What do I do? -- Displaced Friend

DEAR DISPLACED FRIEND: Sadly, when people are displaced, like your friend, life can get tough -- and fast. So-called “gentrification” does boost rental rates and often improves the businesses, safety and overall appeal of a neighborhood. The downside is that often, many people and businesses lose the ability to stay in the neighborhood they love.

Your friend may not be ready to talk to you, which is why she is somewhat off the grid. That doesn’t mean that you should stop reaching out. The good news about social media is that at least she can see that you are contacting her to let her know that you care and that you want to be in touch with her. Rather than pressuring her to respond to you, just send her positive messages that let her know she is on your mind.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My grandmother is racist. I used to be able to ignore it just to make peace with the family, but now I am engaged to a Mexican man. My grandmother has said all kinds of racist things to or near my fiance. Like, she muttered under her breath once that she wondered whether he was here legally, even though she knows that he was born here. (His parents were born in Mexico.) Another time, she and my aunt started talking about another ethnic group, saying that they are stealing “our jobs.” It was obvious that they were picking at my fiance, but I wasn’t sure what to say.

How can I address this with my grandmother? If she doesn’t stop, my fiance asked that we not invite her to our wedding. She is rude, and we don’t want her or her daughter, my aunt, to offend his relatives. -- Racist Grandma

DEAR RACIST GRANDMA: Talk to your parents first to let them know your concerns. Ask for their support. Then call a meeting with your grandmother, your aunt and your parents. Be direct about your concerns. Let them know that you do not appreciate the negative, racist comments that they have been making. Remind them that you are about to marry the man you love, and you need them to respect him and his family; therefore, they need to keep their comments to themselves.

Speak directly to your grandmother and aunt, and share with them the things that offended you. Ask them to stop. If they refuse, let them know that you will not be inviting them to your wedding because they are being disrespectful to the man who is going to become your husband.

Know that this a huge step to take. It may mean that your family will be divided if you cannot come to terms. But you have every right to expect your family to treat your soon-to-be husband with love and kindness.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)