Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently learned that one of my neighbors lost his job and is about to be evicted. It turns out, he hasn’t had electricity in his apartment for more than a year. Who knew? I feel horrible. I could have cooked him a hot meal or been more attentive.

I like this guy. Whenever I would see him, he always looked so chipper. I had no idea he was suffering. At this point, it sounds like he has to move. I want to reach out to tell him I care about him without embarrassing him. Is it trite to invite him over for drinks or dinner? I’m not trying to get in his business. I just want to be a good neighbor. -- Extending a Hand

DEAR EXTENDING A HAND: Talk to the person who let you know what is going on with this neighbor to find out about his state of being and whether they think it would be a wise idea to invite him over. Be mindful not to gossip or be more inquisitive than feels natural.

If it seems right to invite him over, do so. You can keep it light. Tell him that you haven’t seen him in a long time and wanted to see him during the holiday season. If he comes, don’t pry. Just enjoy a light moment. If he tells you about his circumstances, be compassionate without asking too many questions. Make sure you have his phone number and email address, and give him yours. That way, you can send him a holiday message no matter where he is and keep your connection if you so desire.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been planning a trip around the holidays since the beginning of this year. We finalized all the details about a month ago. Now, he tells me that we can’t go anymore. Apparently his mother doesn’t approve, and she wants him to come home for the holidays. He hasn’t gone home for Christmas for several years, and he and his family are not close.

I don’t appreciate that his mother is asserting herself now that he has a girlfriend. Oh, and she didn’t invite me to go with him, either. What’s worse is that my boyfriend is caving. Since she has called for him, he is ready to let go of our plans just like that and go to her. I don’t want to ask him to choose between his mother and me, but I also think this is unfair. How can I share my view with him without sounding whiny? -- Bad Mom

DEAR BAD MOM: Your boyfriend may have been waiting for an entree to rekindle his bond with his mother. Who knows? You should ask him why he is willing to ditch your plans together, especially since he doesn’t normally spend the holidays with his mother. Tell him that you do not want to stand between the two of them. Admit that this situation makes you feel uncomfortable and sad. Of course you would like for him and his mother to have a strong relationship, but you two made plans, and you are sad to walk away from them. Ask if visiting his mother at a different time might be an option.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has been dating the same boy for two years. They seem to be in love. We like him and his family.

About six months ago, my daughter came to me to ask me to help her get birth control. We talked about what she was considering, and I helped her. I did not tell my husband. He is very conservative and would be upset to learn that his daughter is no longer a virgin. I was being practical. Whether or not I helped her, she was making the decision to be sexually active. I feel bad, though, keeping this from my husband.

The young man recently asked to marry our daughter. Should I keep this secret to myself, or should I tell my husband that they are already intimate? -- My Daughter’s Secret

DEAR MY DAUGHTER’S SECRET: Now would not be the time for you to come clean about your daughter’s sexual history. Clearly, she and her boyfriend are preparing to formalize their relationship. This is great news. Your daughter’s intimate relationship with her boyfriend is her business. Let her have control over that. Instead of fretting over what you didn’t share with your husband, pay attention to the future. Talk to your husband about how the two of you can support them as they start their life together. Invite him to participate in the wedding plans. Ultimately, his wish for his daughter is coming true. He does not need to know the details of how they got there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a high-pressure environment. The only way I figured out how to be successful was to put 100% of my focus on work and not to date or even spend time with friends. It was a bit lonely, but I did rise to the top of my industry.

Now, though, as a woman in my 40s, I wonder if it was worth it. Many of the women I grew up with have built good careers while also having husbands and children -- not all of them, but a lot. I was asked to speak at a mentoring event, and I am conflicted about what to say. I want to be honest, but I don’t want to discourage young women from entering my field. How can I be truthful and encouraging at the same time? -- Giving Advice

DEAR GIVING ADVICE: When you speak to the group of professional hopefuls, tell the truth. Talk about the steps you took to get to where you are, what you have enjoyed about the journey and what the downfalls have been. Point out that you felt you had to be laser focused in order to rise as quickly as you did. Let them know that this meant you allowed little time for friends or dating. While that seemed fine at the time, you now realize that you gave up precious years that you can’t get back. Talk about your happiness as well as your regrets. What satisfies you about your life? What do you wish you had achieved that you don’t have? Would you do it over again in the same way? What would you have done differently? Your honest answers to your own questions will show these young women that the journey is not simple and that all choices have consequences. End on a positive note that is honest and shows a path for success.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect that my teenage son is gay, but he won’t talk to me about his life at all. I want to be supportive, and I have a male friend who is gay. Do you think it is appropriate for me to talk to my friend about this? I want to ask him if he would try to talk to my son to get a sense of where his head is and whether he needs someone to talk to who understands what’s happening in his life. -- Sounding Board

DEAR SOUNDING BOARD: Figuring out who you are is a lifelong activity, and for teens, it can seem overwhelming.

It is daunting to be a parent who has a suspicion but cannot get their child to talk. This is where the “village” comes in. Your friend may be able to serve in that role. But here’s an important question: Does your son know your friend already? It may be difficult to get your son to open up to someone who is a stranger. Still, it’s worth a try. Perhaps you can create a casual introduction where you invite this friend to come over, and you can see if they strike up a conversation. What probably won’t work is for this guy to start talking about being gay without a natural entree.

Apart from that, pay attention to your son. Tell him you want to support him as he goes through these teenage years. Ask him if he is interested in anybody at school, or if he wants to date at all. Don’t pry. Just ask a few questions.

By the way, this is what you should do regardless of your child’s sexual orientation. Do your best to stay close to your son so that as his life unfolds, he will want to talk to you about it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was at a holiday party at a friend’s house, and we were all having a great time when my client called my cell. It was late at night, but it was also the night before a big project we were working on.

Anyhow, my phone was sitting on the kitchen table when it rang, and a guy who was there -- who was decidedly drunk -- picked up my phone, answered it and started yelling and cursing. I don’t even know what all he said. I tried to get my phone from him once I realized he had it, but he held it above his head. It was a surreal experience, like we had all reverted back to elementary school. My client was shocked. She texted, asking who had answered my phone. I immediately texted back that it was a guest at this party and not someone I knew. I apologized, but I have been getting the cold shoulder ever since. How can I fix this? -- Mending a Fence

DEAR MENDING A FENCE: Reach out to your client once more, and let her know that you realize how unfortunate the incident was when the man you don’t know held your phone hostage. Remind her that you were not in control of your phone. From there, you should pivot to the work at hand. If you are working on a project for her, focus on that. Make sure you do a great job so that you remind her of who you are and your value to her company.

In the future, don’t leave your phone out so that you can stop such a childish thing from happening. Having it in your possession at all times also prevents potential theft.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)