Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought some jewelry from a vendor, but I needed to return it. We organized the return, but she gave me the wrong ZIP code. It took me a month to track the package so that she could pick it up. Now it has been another month, and she hasn’t gone to pick it up. At this point, I’m tired of waiting for my money back. It’s on her that she has had family and work issues and hasn’t been able to go to the distribution center to pick up the package. I feel that I should not have to wait any longer.

The vendor agreed to refund me if I returned the items to her. I have done my part. How can I get her to comply? It’s the holidays, and I could use that extra money. Plus, I don’t like the way she is handling her business. It shouldn’t take nearly two months to resolve this situation. -- Money Back Please

DEAR MONEY BACK PLEASE: Contact the vendor and express your sorrow for whatever challenges she has been facing. Also let her know that you believe you have waited long enough, and you would like to receive a refund now. If you use any of the electronic methods of money transfer, suggest that to her. If you paid by credit card, ask her to refund your card. Make it clear that you would like those funds to be released to you as soon as possible. Give her a date by which you expect to receive them. Make it clear that you are no longer willing to wait for her to go to the distribution center to retrieve the items. You have given her plenty of time to handle that -- and the items would have reached her directly had she given you the proper address.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I get sick every year around the holidays. The same thing used to happen to my mother. She would go into overdrive going to tons of events, and right before Christmas, she would be in bed with a cold. I have noticed that I follow the same pattern, even though it is not a conscious decision. What can I do to balance my time better? I am excited to be invited to all these events, and I feel it is good for business for me to attend. But I also know that it is not healthy to get sick every year after overdoing it. How can I strike a balance? -- Party Girl

DEAR PARTY GIRL: You must take care of yourself -- especially during this busy season. As far as your schedule goes, map out all your invitations and prioritize them. Accept that you cannot attend everything. Go to the events that matter the most to you, and don’t stay to the end if you can leave early.

Drink a lot of water -- more than usual if you also drink alcohol. Exercise three times per week. Eat in moderation, and be mindful of cocktail party food that is usually high in salt and calories and low in nutrition. Pay attention to when you go to sleep. Getting enough rest is what doctors say most people neglect to do. With proper rest and nutrition, as well as wearing warm clothes, you may be able to curtail illness. Wash your hands frequently, and slow down when you begin to feel bad.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently learned that one of my neighbors lost his job and is about to be evicted. It turns out, he hasn’t had electricity in his apartment for more than a year. Who knew? I feel horrible. I could have cooked him a hot meal or been more attentive.

I like this guy. Whenever I would see him, he always looked so chipper. I had no idea he was suffering. At this point, it sounds like he has to move. I want to reach out to tell him I care about him without embarrassing him. Is it trite to invite him over for drinks or dinner? I’m not trying to get in his business. I just want to be a good neighbor. -- Extending a Hand

DEAR EXTENDING A HAND: Talk to the person who let you know what is going on with this neighbor to find out about his state of being and whether they think it would be a wise idea to invite him over. Be mindful not to gossip or be more inquisitive than feels natural.

If it seems right to invite him over, do so. You can keep it light. Tell him that you haven’t seen him in a long time and wanted to see him during the holiday season. If he comes, don’t pry. Just enjoy a light moment. If he tells you about his circumstances, be compassionate without asking too many questions. Make sure you have his phone number and email address, and give him yours. That way, you can send him a holiday message no matter where he is and keep your connection if you so desire.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been planning a trip around the holidays since the beginning of this year. We finalized all the details about a month ago. Now, he tells me that we can’t go anymore. Apparently his mother doesn’t approve, and she wants him to come home for the holidays. He hasn’t gone home for Christmas for several years, and he and his family are not close.

I don’t appreciate that his mother is asserting herself now that he has a girlfriend. Oh, and she didn’t invite me to go with him, either. What’s worse is that my boyfriend is caving. Since she has called for him, he is ready to let go of our plans just like that and go to her. I don’t want to ask him to choose between his mother and me, but I also think this is unfair. How can I share my view with him without sounding whiny? -- Bad Mom

DEAR BAD MOM: Your boyfriend may have been waiting for an entree to rekindle his bond with his mother. Who knows? You should ask him why he is willing to ditch your plans together, especially since he doesn’t normally spend the holidays with his mother. Tell him that you do not want to stand between the two of them. Admit that this situation makes you feel uncomfortable and sad. Of course you would like for him and his mother to have a strong relationship, but you two made plans, and you are sad to walk away from them. Ask if visiting his mother at a different time might be an option.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has been dating the same boy for two years. They seem to be in love. We like him and his family.

About six months ago, my daughter came to me to ask me to help her get birth control. We talked about what she was considering, and I helped her. I did not tell my husband. He is very conservative and would be upset to learn that his daughter is no longer a virgin. I was being practical. Whether or not I helped her, she was making the decision to be sexually active. I feel bad, though, keeping this from my husband.

The young man recently asked to marry our daughter. Should I keep this secret to myself, or should I tell my husband that they are already intimate? -- My Daughter’s Secret

DEAR MY DAUGHTER’S SECRET: Now would not be the time for you to come clean about your daughter’s sexual history. Clearly, she and her boyfriend are preparing to formalize their relationship. This is great news. Your daughter’s intimate relationship with her boyfriend is her business. Let her have control over that. Instead of fretting over what you didn’t share with your husband, pay attention to the future. Talk to your husband about how the two of you can support them as they start their life together. Invite him to participate in the wedding plans. Ultimately, his wish for his daughter is coming true. He does not need to know the details of how they got there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a high-pressure environment. The only way I figured out how to be successful was to put 100% of my focus on work and not to date or even spend time with friends. It was a bit lonely, but I did rise to the top of my industry.

Now, though, as a woman in my 40s, I wonder if it was worth it. Many of the women I grew up with have built good careers while also having husbands and children -- not all of them, but a lot. I was asked to speak at a mentoring event, and I am conflicted about what to say. I want to be honest, but I don’t want to discourage young women from entering my field. How can I be truthful and encouraging at the same time? -- Giving Advice

DEAR GIVING ADVICE: When you speak to the group of professional hopefuls, tell the truth. Talk about the steps you took to get to where you are, what you have enjoyed about the journey and what the downfalls have been. Point out that you felt you had to be laser focused in order to rise as quickly as you did. Let them know that this meant you allowed little time for friends or dating. While that seemed fine at the time, you now realize that you gave up precious years that you can’t get back. Talk about your happiness as well as your regrets. What satisfies you about your life? What do you wish you had achieved that you don’t have? Would you do it over again in the same way? What would you have done differently? Your honest answers to your own questions will show these young women that the journey is not simple and that all choices have consequences. End on a positive note that is honest and shows a path for success.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)