Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter loves rap music, and she is very upset right now. She says that her favorite artists keep dying. She went to a music festival a couple of months ago, and one of the artists, Juice Wrld, just died, possibly from an accidental overdose. About a year ago, another of her favorite artists, XXXTentacion, was murdered, just like another one who was trying to do good in his neighborhood, Nipsey Hussle.

My daughter is having a hard time processing so much death. She is a teenager, and life for them usually seems more fun than tragic. How can I console her and warn her at the same time? -- Facing Tragedy

DEAR FACING TRAGEDY: Death is hard to handle at any age, but especially when people you admire die so young. Talk to your daughter about her grief. Even though she did not know these artists, she and her friends probably feel a certain closeness to them because of their fame.

Use the moment to teach your daughter about being safe and making smart choices. Young people often don’t realize how dangerous prescription and illegal drugs can be. Talk to her about why she should not use drugs. Point out what you can verify about people who have died from overdoses. Don’t threaten her. Just call attention to the facts as you know them. Try not to focus on the artists who have died. Leave their memories at peace. Talk to your daughter about her choices, including what she puts into her body and where she goes. Reminding her about personal safety is essential as she spends more time out and about on her own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m so worried about being with family this Christmas. We are a large family, and we’re even larger when you take into account all of the in-laws.

Even in normal times we fight over politics, money -- you name it. One of the grandmothers loves to meddle in the young folks’ business. The list goes on and on. My worry is that the discussions and debates could get ugly this year. We have conservatives and liberals in our family, and just as the country is divided, so is our family. Do you think there is anything I can say or do to get the family to avoid fighting? -- Make a Truce

DEAR MAKE A TRUCE: Call to remind everyone of the time that you will gather. Suggest that you will do things differently as a family this year. Invite family members to stay positive all day -- no matter what. Whenever they feel like criticism is bubbling up, recommend that somebody change the subject. You can make it a game. Whoever is able to pivot away from the most fights gets a prize -- perhaps some food item that they love.

If things do get tense during the day, encourage people to walk away from the conversation rather than jump into an argument. If you keep vigilant, preferably along with another cousin or sibling, this just may work!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going on vacation at Christmastime this year. I usually go to visit my family, but my mother passed away a few months ago, and there is no family home to visit. I feel a bit lost right now, given that both of my parents are gone, which is why I scheduled this trip. It’s a cruise, and I’m going by myself. I am an only child, and I don’t have close friends. My co-workers told me that I am running away. They think I should stay in town and hang out with them. While that is very nice of them to offer, we are not that close. I think going to warm weather will make me happier. I can’t bear to be in my hometown, missing my mom. Do you think I’m making a mistake? -- Solo Trip

DEAR SOLO TRIP: First, my sincere condolences on the passing of your mother. I have witnessed many of my friends lose their mothers, and it is often devastating. It takes time to heal from that tremendous void in your life.

I think it’s fine for you to go on a cruise. You will be in a place with a built-in community of people and endless activities. Plus, you will likely be able to deboard and visit new ports of call. Just remember to be mindful of your surroundings in the same way you always should be when you are by yourself in a new locale. Keep your eyes open to see if you meet anyone who may become a friend during your trip. This is a perfect opportunity to strike up a rapport with other people who are on the cruise.

Beyond your trip, though, you need to come to terms with your new season of life -- one without your parents. It may help you to get grief counseling. You can find that through your house of worship, your insurance company, even a funeral home. You deserve to have whatever support you need to tend to your healing heart. Make sure you get it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m going to visit my boyfriend’s family in the Dominican Republic for the first time. He comes from a huge family. I want to impress them and also include everyone. I want to bring gifts, but I have no idea what to bring that I can share with more than 20 people. My boyfriend says I should just go. They can’t wait to meet me, but I want to do something special for them. Oh -- I am on a budget. -- The Right Gift

DEAR THE RIGHT GIFT: Why not make gifts for them? You can bake holiday cookies that you decorate, and store them in tins. Dry goods are allowed to go through customs, and cookies go far. If you are not a baker, you can cheat and buy cookies or other sweets that you can share with everyone. Get a count of family members, and consult your boyfriend about what types of sweets his family would appreciate most.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 8-year-old son was invited to go skiing with some of his friends from school during winter break. This sounds like a lot of fun -- and scary. My son has never skied before. I’m nervous that his friends, who have been skiing since they were 5, will abandon him.

I want to give my son this opportunity. I have a friendly relationship with his friend’s parents. I can reach out to them to learn more about the trip, but I don’t know how much these adults can protect him physically or emotionally. How should I handle it? -- Novice Skier

DEAR NOVICE SKIER: You definitely should contact the boy’s parents to learn more about the trip and to describe your son’s abilities. Let them know that you want your son to be able to join the fun, but you have some reservations about whether he will fit in as the one boy who hasn’t skied before. Ask for their insights.

Your son will have to take lessons on the bunny slopes first in order to learn the basics of skiing. He should not be allowed to go on slopes that would be too hard or dangerous for him to manage. There will surely be other people on the bunny slopes. It would be great if the others go with him in the beginning. Find out from the parents if they believe the others will look out for your son. If they think he will be OK, let him try it out. There may be some awkward moments, but chances are, the fun will outweigh the discomfort.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two adult children, and one still lives at home. He went away to college, but hasn’t gotten on his feet yet. He hasn’t found a job of any kind for the past two years. When my wife and I point out to him that he should try to get any type of job if he is unable to find what he went to school for, he says that menial work is below him. I had a job at 15 years old. I know he can find something, but he just bums around at home, sad and dejected. How can I get him motivated? -- Up and Out

DEAR UP AND OUT: Give your son an ultimatum, which should provide him with momentum. Tell him he has to pay rent in order to live at home. He would have to pay rent anywhere else he might live. (You can save the rent to give back to him when he gets on his feet, if you like, but don’t tell him.) Help him to create a schedule that includes making a certain number of overtures each day to look for a job.

Coach him on work. Remind him that while he is searching for the perfect job, he must find something. He should look to see if there are any last-minute holiday jobs available in your town. Retailers and delivery services usually ramp up during this time of year. If he balks at that, point out that it will get him out there as it also puts a few dollars in his pocket. He needs to work at something in order to keep his confidence up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)