Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother-in-law is Jehovah’s Witness. She explained to me that this means she doesn’t celebrate any holidays. Her husband is a more mainstream Christian, so he does celebrate.

I’m so confused as to how to honor my mother-in-law and include her in our family festivities. In the past, I have invited my in-laws to come over during the holiday season, just not on Christmas Day. As they get older, though, I wonder if I should invite them to the dinner where everybody is present. I know they enjoy being together with everyone. But I worry that my mother-in-law might feel uncomfortable. What should I do? -- Being Welcoming

DEAR BEING WELCOMING: Talk to your mother-in-law, and share with her what’s on your mind. Tell her how much you want her to be part of the large family gathering. Point out the obvious: You do not want to offend her religious values and practices in any way, even as you truly want her to be part of all that you do this week. Ask her what you can do to make her feel comfortable. Invite her to attend. She may choose to come for the entire event or maybe at dessert, which will be after the height of the festivities.

Ask her if she would accept gifts from the family, or if you should alert them not to have gifts for her. If you speak directly with your mother-in-law, you should be able to find out where she stands. You may be surprised at her answers. What happens too often when families do not share religious beliefs is that people stop talking and awkwardly create space around whoever is in the minority. End that uncomfortable practice. Your conversation with your mother-in-law may open up an opportunity for a closer bond with her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I come from a large family, and it is our tradition to give gifts to everybody. I can’t swing it this year. There are just too many people, and I have a mound of debt and just started a new job. What can I do to manage the family’s expectations? Children alone represent about 10 gifts. With the adults, it’s closer to 30. -- Cutting Back on Xmas

DEAR CUTTING BACK ON XMAS: You have a couple of choices. If you have the resources, get or make gifts for each of the children. Even the tiniest gifts will brighten young family members, because it shows that you remembered them. Even at the last minute, you can go to the dollar store to look for something that you can give to the 10 children.

For the rest of the family, consider something as simple as making greeting cards for each of them. A simple card that expresses your love for your family will make them smile and know that you are thinking of them -- without breaking the bank.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter loves rap music, and she is very upset right now. She says that her favorite artists keep dying. She went to a music festival a couple of months ago, and one of the artists, Juice Wrld, just died, possibly from an accidental overdose. About a year ago, another of her favorite artists, XXXTentacion, was murdered, just like another one who was trying to do good in his neighborhood, Nipsey Hussle.

My daughter is having a hard time processing so much death. She is a teenager, and life for them usually seems more fun than tragic. How can I console her and warn her at the same time? -- Facing Tragedy

DEAR FACING TRAGEDY: Death is hard to handle at any age, but especially when people you admire die so young. Talk to your daughter about her grief. Even though she did not know these artists, she and her friends probably feel a certain closeness to them because of their fame.

Use the moment to teach your daughter about being safe and making smart choices. Young people often don’t realize how dangerous prescription and illegal drugs can be. Talk to her about why she should not use drugs. Point out what you can verify about people who have died from overdoses. Don’t threaten her. Just call attention to the facts as you know them. Try not to focus on the artists who have died. Leave their memories at peace. Talk to your daughter about her choices, including what she puts into her body and where she goes. Reminding her about personal safety is essential as she spends more time out and about on her own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m so worried about being with family this Christmas. We are a large family, and we’re even larger when you take into account all of the in-laws.

Even in normal times we fight over politics, money -- you name it. One of the grandmothers loves to meddle in the young folks’ business. The list goes on and on. My worry is that the discussions and debates could get ugly this year. We have conservatives and liberals in our family, and just as the country is divided, so is our family. Do you think there is anything I can say or do to get the family to avoid fighting? -- Make a Truce

DEAR MAKE A TRUCE: Call to remind everyone of the time that you will gather. Suggest that you will do things differently as a family this year. Invite family members to stay positive all day -- no matter what. Whenever they feel like criticism is bubbling up, recommend that somebody change the subject. You can make it a game. Whoever is able to pivot away from the most fights gets a prize -- perhaps some food item that they love.

If things do get tense during the day, encourage people to walk away from the conversation rather than jump into an argument. If you keep vigilant, preferably along with another cousin or sibling, this just may work!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going on vacation at Christmastime this year. I usually go to visit my family, but my mother passed away a few months ago, and there is no family home to visit. I feel a bit lost right now, given that both of my parents are gone, which is why I scheduled this trip. It’s a cruise, and I’m going by myself. I am an only child, and I don’t have close friends. My co-workers told me that I am running away. They think I should stay in town and hang out with them. While that is very nice of them to offer, we are not that close. I think going to warm weather will make me happier. I can’t bear to be in my hometown, missing my mom. Do you think I’m making a mistake? -- Solo Trip

DEAR SOLO TRIP: First, my sincere condolences on the passing of your mother. I have witnessed many of my friends lose their mothers, and it is often devastating. It takes time to heal from that tremendous void in your life.

I think it’s fine for you to go on a cruise. You will be in a place with a built-in community of people and endless activities. Plus, you will likely be able to deboard and visit new ports of call. Just remember to be mindful of your surroundings in the same way you always should be when you are by yourself in a new locale. Keep your eyes open to see if you meet anyone who may become a friend during your trip. This is a perfect opportunity to strike up a rapport with other people who are on the cruise.

Beyond your trip, though, you need to come to terms with your new season of life -- one without your parents. It may help you to get grief counseling. You can find that through your house of worship, your insurance company, even a funeral home. You deserve to have whatever support you need to tend to your healing heart. Make sure you get it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m going to visit my boyfriend’s family in the Dominican Republic for the first time. He comes from a huge family. I want to impress them and also include everyone. I want to bring gifts, but I have no idea what to bring that I can share with more than 20 people. My boyfriend says I should just go. They can’t wait to meet me, but I want to do something special for them. Oh -- I am on a budget. -- The Right Gift

DEAR THE RIGHT GIFT: Why not make gifts for them? You can bake holiday cookies that you decorate, and store them in tins. Dry goods are allowed to go through customs, and cookies go far. If you are not a baker, you can cheat and buy cookies or other sweets that you can share with everyone. Get a count of family members, and consult your boyfriend about what types of sweets his family would appreciate most.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)