Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend my mother calls “sometime-y.” When he is interested, he is very attentive; when he is distracted, he could not care less. I have sent him texts with friendly messages and photos to lift him up during a tough period. Not once has he responded that he received even one communication. I get that I shouldn’t be upset because he is going through a rough patch, but this isn’t new behavior. Even during so-called good times, he disappears and doesn’t engage in what I consider to be a thoughtful way. It’s like he takes and takes, but only gives when he feels like it. I’m not sure how to react. I am tired of putting forth effort without even the tiniest acknowledgment. Do you have any ideas? -- Rude Friend

DEAR RUDE FRIEND: You have to decide when you have had enough. Your friend has shown you his colors. Now what are you going to do about it? Continuing to allow him to hurt your feelings because he doesn’t ever respond to you gets old fast. You need to accept this friend for who he is, as he is not going to change. But your behavior can change. If it hurts your feelings when he doesn’t close the loop in your communication, stop communicating with him.

Let go of whatever hold this man has over you. Focus on relationships with people who treat you the way you want to be treated. When you stop obsessing over him, he may come around, but don’t hold your breath. Move on!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a woman for several years now. Though it wasn’t formal, we even said we were engaged. I just hadn’t gotten her a ring yet. I have been in between work for longer than I want to admit, and it has been impossible for me to buy her a ring or plan a wedding.

I thought she understood, but recently we have gotten into some ugly arguments about our relationship. When I try to talk to her about it, she clams up. I suggested that we go to counseling. She said OK, but then she started going by herself. A month ago, she stopped returning my calls, and she doesn’t respond to me on social media. Nothing. I am devastated. I don’t understand how we could go from about to get married to invisibility. I was already down. This has sent me over the edge. How can I recover? How can I get her to talk to me? -- Ghosted by Girlfriend

DEAR GHOSTED BY GIRLFRIEND: I’m so sorry that your fiancee has decided to walk away from you. That has to be devastating. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get explanations for people’s behavior, even that of our beloved. You should go ahead and find a therapist who can help you process these experiences and figure out a way to heal your heart. You cannot make your ex want to be with you. You can learn how to tend to yourself, build your confidence and actively search for a job. You need to get emotionally strong in order to be attractive to potential employers, so focus on your future right now. Your heart will heal in time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son goes to a private school with some very wealthy people. They don’t generally flaunt their wealth, but around the holidays, it becomes apparent. Most of my son’s friends are traveling to different parts of the world for the end of the year. We, on the other hand, live modestly. My son received a generous scholarship to the school, which is why he can even go there.

I want my son to feel good about himself and his life, but that is hard to do when he can’t help but compare himself to his peers. What can I do to remind my son of the value of his own life and family? -- Family Values

DEAR FAMILY VALUES: Exposing your son to experiences beyond his personal background is smart. You are setting him up to understand that the world is filled with all kinds of people and rungs on the socioeconomic ladder. What you have to be mindful of is ensuring that your son understands that the way that you live is OK, too. Rich people do not have the corner on happiness or good health. Be sure to point that out to your son.

Also have him do public service. In this way, he can observe and support people who may have greater needs than he does. This will help him to see that the spectrum of human experience is vast. The more you expose him to, the better off he will be in assessing his own life.

In terms of what he does on holiday breaks, make sure that you create loving gatherings during the holidays that include family, friends and even those in need. He can talk about that as his friends share their experiences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is getting old and a bit frail. She has had a few setbacks that have slowed her down. My 10-year-old daughter went to visit her grandma recently, and she got scared; her grandma now uses a walker and looks and sounds much more fragile than before. My daughter didn’t want to go over to hug her because she was afraid. How can I get my daughter to want to spend time with her grandmother? We don’t know how long we will have her. I don’t want her to miss out on these precious moments. -- Being With Grandma

DEAR BEING WITH GRANDMA: Set yourself up as the bridge for bond-building between your mother and your daughter. When you visit with her, set up activities that are easy to complete that both will enjoy. This could be making cookies, telling stories or just being together. Take the lead so that you avoid awkwardness.

Talk to your daughter when you two are alone. Tell her stories of your growing up and what you and your mother did together. Suggest things that they can do. Acknowledge that your mother is getting old and frail, but she still loves your daughter. Encourage your daughter to spend time with her so that she can build memories that she will always have in the future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started a job that involves a lot of travel. I was given a company credit card but was told that I have to pay for my own food and charge the company back for a small percentage of it. Basically, they provide us with a tiny per diem. Worse than that, though, is that on my third trip out, I discovered that my company credit card didn’t work because the company hadn’t paid the bill. I ended up having to use my personal credit card. I am still waiting to be reimbursed. How can I address this with my boss? I need this job, but I can’t afford to fund my travel. I’m on the road several times a month. What can I say or do to correct this? -- Can’t Float the Job

DEAR CAN’T FLOAT THE JOB: Request a private meeting with your boss to explain the situation. Be honest and state that you cannot afford to pay for your travel and be reimbursed at a later time. Point out how frequent the travel is for your company. Be strong and clear when you tell your boss how enthusiastic you are about being on the road and doing a good job, but complete the thought by asking for the credit card debt to be handled so that you are able to go back out there. You may want to ask for your room to be pre-paid in the future so that you avoid having the same problem.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I saw your advice to the lady who wanted to quit wearing high heels, and I thought it was very good advice. Unfortunately, it is too late for me. I, too, am short and started wearing 5- or 6-inch stiletto heels every day at 18. I worked in retail for many, many years and was on my feet all day long in my heels.

I am now 56 years old, and I am stuck in high heels, despite the fact they hurt. My back, legs and feet have numerous problems. My Achilles tendon has tightened so much that I am stuck in high heels and must wear them whenever I stand, otherwise I stand on my tiptoes. I can't put my heels on the ground anymore. A doctor told me I would need surgery, but my health insurance will only cover pennies on the dollar.

Please warn other women not to get too caught up in high heels, and if they do, stretch their bodies to maintain flexibility. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get into my 70s or 80s and have to totter around in 5-inch heels! -- Permanently Stuck in Heels and Scared

DEAR PERMANENTLY STUCK IN HEELS AND SCARED: Thank you for your cautionary tale. I do hope that other women out there who find themselves in a similar predicament will take heed.

For you, check with teaching hospitals in your area. Sometimes, these hospitals will accept patients at much lower fees in exchange for allowing the students to observe or operate on the patients themselves. I know several people who have had successful surgeries performed at such medical establishments for free or close to free -- for everything from dental surgery to cancer surgery. You can trust them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)