Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been going to a lot of holiday parties and end-of-year events in the past few weeks. It has been a lot of fun -- until I see myself in photos. I don’t usually take pictures, but I have seen photos of me that have been posted on different people’s social media pages, and I hate how I look. I have no misconceptions about myself as a middle-aged person, but I feel like people pick shots where they look good and they don’t care about how the other people look. I hate that.

What can I do to take a better picture, considering that I do want to go out and mingle, but I don’t want the memories to look crazy? -- Picture Perfect

DEAR PICTURE PERFECT: Before you leave your house, look at yourself in the mirror, head to toe, front to back, and side view. Do you like what you see? Are your clothes fitting well? Is your hair neat? Are you well-groomed? Choose clothing that skims the body, adding definition without being too tight.

When someone is taking a photo, pay attention to where you are in the shot. Make yourself as flat in the image as you can, meaning stand facing the camera without too much twisting of your body. Stand up straight, shoulders back, tummy in, bottom tucked under. Keep your arms down. Do not have food or drinks in your hands. Smile. Call upon your inner joy. When you are in a good mood, that is usually reflected in a photo.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor has a young child who cries a lot. I know that it must be hard to raise a child, but it seems like the mom is exercising tough love or something, because when the baby cries, it doesn’t sound like she comforts him. He can cry for hours. It drives me nuts. As a single man, I don’t want to seem insensitive, but this crying is keeping me awake at night. Is there anything I can say to this new mom? What else can I do to keep my sanity? -- Crying Baby

DEAR CRYING BABY: I would not knock on the neighbor’s door to complain about the baby as it will not result in a positive exchange. That mother is stressed out enough. Her child may have colic, which makes them irritable for extended periods. There may be other reasons, including the method the mom uses to comfort her child. Unless it sounds like the baby is in danger, you have to figure out how to deal with the cries on your side of the wall.

You can put rugs in the room that has the adjoining wall. Rugs absorb sound. You might consider getting a noise cancellation machine. It’s like a fan but it creates a sound that helps to soften ambient noises. Or just wear earplugs.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend my mother calls “sometime-y.” When he is interested, he is very attentive; when he is distracted, he could not care less. I have sent him texts with friendly messages and photos to lift him up during a tough period. Not once has he responded that he received even one communication. I get that I shouldn’t be upset because he is going through a rough patch, but this isn’t new behavior. Even during so-called good times, he disappears and doesn’t engage in what I consider to be a thoughtful way. It’s like he takes and takes, but only gives when he feels like it. I’m not sure how to react. I am tired of putting forth effort without even the tiniest acknowledgment. Do you have any ideas? -- Rude Friend

DEAR RUDE FRIEND: You have to decide when you have had enough. Your friend has shown you his colors. Now what are you going to do about it? Continuing to allow him to hurt your feelings because he doesn’t ever respond to you gets old fast. You need to accept this friend for who he is, as he is not going to change. But your behavior can change. If it hurts your feelings when he doesn’t close the loop in your communication, stop communicating with him.

Let go of whatever hold this man has over you. Focus on relationships with people who treat you the way you want to be treated. When you stop obsessing over him, he may come around, but don’t hold your breath. Move on!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a woman for several years now. Though it wasn’t formal, we even said we were engaged. I just hadn’t gotten her a ring yet. I have been in between work for longer than I want to admit, and it has been impossible for me to buy her a ring or plan a wedding.

I thought she understood, but recently we have gotten into some ugly arguments about our relationship. When I try to talk to her about it, she clams up. I suggested that we go to counseling. She said OK, but then she started going by herself. A month ago, she stopped returning my calls, and she doesn’t respond to me on social media. Nothing. I am devastated. I don’t understand how we could go from about to get married to invisibility. I was already down. This has sent me over the edge. How can I recover? How can I get her to talk to me? -- Ghosted by Girlfriend

DEAR GHOSTED BY GIRLFRIEND: I’m so sorry that your fiancee has decided to walk away from you. That has to be devastating. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get explanations for people’s behavior, even that of our beloved. You should go ahead and find a therapist who can help you process these experiences and figure out a way to heal your heart. You cannot make your ex want to be with you. You can learn how to tend to yourself, build your confidence and actively search for a job. You need to get emotionally strong in order to be attractive to potential employers, so focus on your future right now. Your heart will heal in time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son goes to a private school with some very wealthy people. They don’t generally flaunt their wealth, but around the holidays, it becomes apparent. Most of my son’s friends are traveling to different parts of the world for the end of the year. We, on the other hand, live modestly. My son received a generous scholarship to the school, which is why he can even go there.

I want my son to feel good about himself and his life, but that is hard to do when he can’t help but compare himself to his peers. What can I do to remind my son of the value of his own life and family? -- Family Values

DEAR FAMILY VALUES: Exposing your son to experiences beyond his personal background is smart. You are setting him up to understand that the world is filled with all kinds of people and rungs on the socioeconomic ladder. What you have to be mindful of is ensuring that your son understands that the way that you live is OK, too. Rich people do not have the corner on happiness or good health. Be sure to point that out to your son.

Also have him do public service. In this way, he can observe and support people who may have greater needs than he does. This will help him to see that the spectrum of human experience is vast. The more you expose him to, the better off he will be in assessing his own life.

In terms of what he does on holiday breaks, make sure that you create loving gatherings during the holidays that include family, friends and even those in need. He can talk about that as his friends share their experiences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is getting old and a bit frail. She has had a few setbacks that have slowed her down. My 10-year-old daughter went to visit her grandma recently, and she got scared; her grandma now uses a walker and looks and sounds much more fragile than before. My daughter didn’t want to go over to hug her because she was afraid. How can I get my daughter to want to spend time with her grandmother? We don’t know how long we will have her. I don’t want her to miss out on these precious moments. -- Being With Grandma

DEAR BEING WITH GRANDMA: Set yourself up as the bridge for bond-building between your mother and your daughter. When you visit with her, set up activities that are easy to complete that both will enjoy. This could be making cookies, telling stories or just being together. Take the lead so that you avoid awkwardness.

Talk to your daughter when you two are alone. Tell her stories of your growing up and what you and your mother did together. Suggest things that they can do. Acknowledge that your mother is getting old and frail, but she still loves your daughter. Encourage your daughter to spend time with her so that she can build memories that she will always have in the future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)