Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work at a grocery store in customer service, and I have noticed one particular customer who comes in every week; I think she is using different IDs. Her receipts usually add up to $200, and she ends up returning about half of her items to receive store credit. I help her each week, and I listen to her outlandish stories for the returns.

I don’t think she realizes that I am the only person who processes her returns, but I know for sure she is the same person using different names. There hasn’t been a flag in our system yet, but I know that something is wrong. Should I tell my manager or wait for there to be an actual flag? -- Scammer Customer

DEAR SCAMMER CUSTOMER: You definitely should tell your manager and explain what you have observed. Given that you work in customer service, it is your responsibility to take care of the customer but also to care for the store. Give your manager a heads-up, and next time this woman comes, perhaps your manager can address her and determine the next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After my ex and I broke up, I started seeing another guy and posted photos of us publicly. My ex came to my house to have one more conversation so he could get things off his chest. I told him to speak to me on the phone, but he was eager to have me come outside. I got into his car, and he began to drive away, saying he just needed to run to the store, and he would take me home after.

During the car ride the conversation escalated, and I decided to get out at a stoplight. He chased me and assaulted me, and I had to run to get away from him. He stopped chasing me and threatened to find me again and kill me.

When I got home, I told my mom everything that happened and that I was going to press charges. She said she feared for my life. She thinks involving the police will upset him more and since I posted the photos of this new guy I am with, I motivated my ex to come after me, so I should just lie low and not go to the police. I can’t believe my mom doesn’t want me to press charges. Should I listen to her? -- Assaulted

DEAR ASSAULTED: You should go to the police and get it on record that your ex assaulted you. That may be important in the future.

Your mom isn’t wholly wrong, though. The police cannot fully protect you from him. You can get a restraining order, but you should also be extremely vigilant when you are outside. Watch your step. Change your locks. Install security cameras and alert your neighbors to the threat he has made on your life. Show them his photo so that others also have your back.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a gay college student, and I think I have found my soulmate. We are engaged. I want to tell my parents that I found someone I love, but I have no idea if they even know that I am gay. My parents are very supportive and we are close, so I know I can talk to them, but the topic has never really come up.

Now I am ready for the next chapter in my life, and I’m not sure how to go about it. I don’t know If I should just introduce them to my fiancé, or if I should tell them about my sexual orientation first. I just want them to love him as much as I do. What’s the right way to share my news? -- Gay and Engaged

DEAR GAY AND ENGAGED: I think any parent would be surprised to learn that their child is engaged if they hadn’t heard about or even met the fiance yet. I suggest that you slow down and think about your approach. What would be the most welcoming and respectful way to introduce this person that you love so much to your parents?

 I recommend that you start with a face-to-face conversation (or videoconference, if necessary), where you tell them that you have news to share. First, tell them that you are gay. You can ask them if they already knew. Sometimes parents have a sense of who their children are even before their children know. Talk about your sexual orientation. Answer whatever questions they have. Listen closely so that you can be fully present with them in this conversation.

If they seem accepting of your life as it is, tell them that you have met someone special you would like for them to meet. You can talk about your partner and about what makes you compatible. I would wait to say that you are engaged. Give them a chance to meet your partner and develop a relationship before you introduce the subject of marriage. (I would make the same recommendation if you were straight.)

In time, you can share that you want to marry your partner and that you are engaged. Be prepared for questions about your plans for the future. You are in college. Chances are your parents will want you to complete school before you marry. This may be a challenging point of negotiation. Know that it is common for parents to want their children to get grounded academically and financially before marriage. If you make a different choice, be prepared to sort it out over time. Don’t take their desire for you to move slowly as a negation of your sexual orientation. It is more likely about making sure you are ready to fully step into adulthood.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I find it so difficult to get my children to send thank-you notes after they receive gifts. They enjoy what they receive and then move on without that important act of acknowledgment. I have tried to get them to close the loop, but it’s hard. Christmas is coming, and I want them to take this seriously. What strategy can I use to be successful? -- Expressing Gratitude

DEAR EXPRESSING GRATITUDE: Let your children know that just as they often stay up in anticipation of what Santa will bring, they will have to stay up on Christmas night writing their thank-you notes. Otherwise, you will have them pack up their gifts and keep them packed away until the notes are completed. The immediacy and shock of this new discipline will likely get them to change their ways. Rather than making it a punishment, you should sit with them and encourage them so that they learn to enjoy this act of gratitude.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a call center with close cubicles. My employer has upgraded them by adding plastic guards between each of us, and we are required to wear masks in cooperation in stopping the spread of the pandemic. But there is this one co-worker that is insensitive to the pandemic. She sits right next to me, and to my knowledge, she does have allergies. She has often come to the office coughing and sneezing but says she is not sick. This past week, she was sitting at her desk and walking around the office with her mask not covering her nose, only her mouth.

I feel that she should be more considerate of her co-workers during these sensitive times. I am uncomfortable working near her. Though she may not be truly sick, it is common courtesy to follow the health and safety procedures, and she does not. I just don’t think she cares about others becoming sick. How do I approach this situation? Do I say something to her or complain to my supervisor? -- Germy Co-worker

DEAR GERMY CO-WORKER: Go directly to your supervisor. Point out your concerns. Especially now that COVID-19 has once again reached critical highs, you are right to worry about your health and that of your other co-workers and family. Have specific examples of the ways in which this co-worker is violating company policy and safety precautions during COVID-19. Explain that you are doubly concerned because this woman who is not compliant sits next to you. Ask for her to be reprimanded and for either you or her to be moved so that you no longer sit beside each other.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a huge bonus from my job recently. I couldn’t be happier. I have been working like crazy this year to help my company stay strong during the pandemic. I feel weird, though, because I know that other family members and friends have not had such good fortune.

I want to tell my loved ones, but I don’t want to be insensitive. I was also thinking it would be nice to give each of them a monetary gift for Christmas in addition to whatever else I might give, but I don’t want to offend anyone. How can I handle this? -- Feeling Generous

DEAR FEELING GENEROUS: Now might be a time to keep awareness of your good fortune to yourself. You should definitely put some of the money away in a savings or investment instrument. I heard Magic Johnson recently say that we should save as much money as we can right now because the future is very much in flux.

But to the point of caring for your family, I think a monetary gift would be welcome, especially if you present it well. Why not write a note to each recipient expressing your love and admiration for them? Enclosed in the note can be cash, a check or a gift card in whatever amount you are prepared to offer. If you are asked how you were able to make that gift, tell them you received a bonus at work and wanted to share it with them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)