Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a business owner for more than 10 years. Growing my business from the ground up has taught me a lot, and I love sharing tips and tricks with anyone who’s willing to listen. A good friend of mine recently started a business as well. I’m very proud of my friend, but she’s off to a rocky start. My friend refuses to listen to my advice. I hate to see her suffer. What should I do? -- Bad Business

DEAR HARRIETTE: People have to learn things for themselves. Even though you want to help, your friend is set on finding her own path. It may be helpful to take a look at your tone. In this note to me, it is clear that you relish talking about your business. You say you will talk to “anyone who’s willing to listen,” so it is possible that you talk a lot about business, perhaps too much.

I recommend that you do your best to listen more and talk less. Listen to your friend if she chooses to tell you about her business. Listen and actually hear what’s going on with her. Discover whether you can help with her particular issue.

You can also direct her to resources that provide free advice for entrepreneurs. Among them: The U.S. Small Business Administration offers a wealth of ideas on how to get started. Visit sba.gov/business-guide. AARP has a small business resource center tailored to those 50 and older but accessible to all: smallbizrc.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My young niece and nephew play way too rough with my dogs. I am constantly having to ask them to be gentle with the dogs because I am scared that my dogs will bite them out of fear. I also do not think it’s fair for my dogs to have to be in pain whenever my niece and nephew are around. I’ve asked my brother (their father) to speak to the kids about it, but nothing has changed. Should I tell my brother to stop bringing them over? -- Rough With My Dogs

DEAR ROUGH WITH MY DOGS: Out of an abundance of safety, you should limit your niece and nephew’s interaction with your dogs. Instead of banning them from your house, tell your brother that until further notice, when they come, you will put the dogs away -- outdoors if you have space, or in a room with a closed door or in dog cages if you have them. You do need to protect both the children and the dogs. While it all seems like fun and games to them, you are right: If your dogs snap and injure the children, all eyes will be pointed at you, and you could lose your pets.

On a larger note, you need to talk to your brother again for his and his children’s own good. He has to help his children understand that they need to follow the rules of your household when they are there. They also need to gain a greater respect for animals. Pets should not be roughhoused to the extreme, for their protection and the children's. The consequences of not teaching his children how to treat animals could be dangerous and costly in the future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I canceled a flight to see my family for Thanksgiving because I simply didn’t want to go. My aunt had purchased the ticket for me, so she was understandably upset, but I paid her back almost immediately. I had no problem paying it back, but she didn’t even say thank you. The ticket was not cheap, so now I’m even more annoyed that I spent that money for essentially no reason. Am I in the wrong? I didn’t ask her to buy the ticket for me in the first place. -- Full Refund

DEAR FULL REFUND: Emotions are running high in this scenario, which makes it hard to see clearly. Take a deep breath. Do your best to calm down and look at everything from a sober vantage point. Here are a few guiding questions to help you: Did you ever agree to go to your aunt’s for Thanksgiving? When did you decline the invitation? Was the flight nonrefundable? You say you simply did not want to go, but why? What happened to change your mind?

You have to process the whole situation so that you can be better prepared in the future. If you never wanted to go but felt coerced, evaluate how you interact with your aunt and how you can have more agency in the future. If you flaked and changed your mind at the last minute, acknowledge that immaturity in yourself.

You were right to reimburse your aunt for the ticket since you broke the agreement to get on that plane. In the future, think through invitations more fully before you commit, even when it does come from family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother teaches at a local elementary school. She told me the other day that an old friend of mine started working at the school as well. That same old friend and I had a pretty bad falling-out years ago, and we haven’t spoken since. My mom told me that she really enjoys working alongside my old friend and that the two of them sometimes go on their lunch breaks together. I’m not 100% comfortable with this. I cut that person out of my life with the intention of them never being able to have access to me again, so I am unhappy that she could possibly try to contact me through my mother. Am I wrong for being upset by this? -- Old Friend Coming Back

DEAR OLD FRIEND COMING BACK: Does your mother know the details of what happened between you and this person? If so, remind her. If not, sit her down and give her the blow-by-blow. While it is possible for people to mature and change over time, you are right to be concerned that your life could get intertwined with this friend again if she and your mother build a friendship. People naturally talk about their families as they grow closer.

Be clear with your mother that you do not want to be a part of this woman’s life in any way, and you especially do not want stories about you to be included in your mother’s rapport with her. Yes, this is awkward because your mother works with this woman, but you need to be upfront with your mother about why you do not want to be part of their engagement in any way.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I joined the workforce during the pandemic, so I’ve always worked remotely. After one year at my current company, I’m ready to move on to a different job. I do not want to give up the freedom that working remotely has given me. So far in my job search, I have had no luck finding the type of position that would allow me to work from home. I am wondering if I’d have better luck by expanding my search and looking for office jobs as well. Is it unrealistic of me to want to work from home post-pandemic? -- Want To Work From Home

DEAR WANT TO WORK FROM HOME: According to news reports, there should be plenty of jobs out there for you, given that many businesses say they cannot find enough employees to fill their openings. That said, it all depends on the industry in which you want to work and the new standards for that industry. You should start researching to figure that out. Look at the traditional job search sites and businesses in your field and specifically look for remote jobs.

There are companies out there that are willing to have flexible hours and remote work. You just have to find them. Look at company websites in your industry to learn of their policies. Research companies that interest you and reach out to their HR departments to learn if they are continuing work-from-home or the option of a hybrid workplace. You may be able to find the job of your dreams, or at least one that allows you to work from home for part of the week. Good luck!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I haven't really spoken to my extended family since I was in college. I'm in my 50s now and have two teenage children. I didn't want to introduce my children to my extended family for many reasons, but the biggest reason is that my extended family has a history of drug abuse. Is it wrong to keep my kids away from the side of my family that I’m not proud of? -- Extended Family

DEAR EXTENDED FAMILY: Most families have members who are troubled in one way or another. It wasn’t wrong of you to want to protect your children from them, but it may be time for them to meet. Test the waters. Before you introduce your children, reconnect with these family members yourself. Determine how stable they seem to be and whether you think you can have a meaningful exchange. Give your reentry into their lives some time. This will be new for everyone.

As you are getting to know your estranged family again, talk to your children about them. Let your kids know about these family members and explain your reluctance to expose them to these people. Compassionately let them know that you think everyone should meet but that it was hard for you growing up to deal with the drama of their drug abuse. It is reasonable that you wanted to shield them from that, even as you now acknowledge that they deserve to know their family.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)