Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that people are going out again, my husband and I have attended a few events with friends and others. I notice that he turns on the charm big-time in front of other people, but when we are alone, he retreats to his corner of our home and rarely talks to me. The other day we were out and he was bragging about some of the work that I have been doing, and I was shocked. What he says to me when it’s just us is that I work too much. He got laid off during the pandemic and is mainly doing odd jobs these days. I can’t remember the last time he paid me a compliment. How can I get him to say nice things to me when it’s just us? -- Be Nice to Me

DEAR BE NICE TO ME: The negative impact of the pandemic will be studied for years to come. So many people lost their jobs. That was devastating. Being in quarantine also stretched people’s capacity to live together and be kind to each other. This may be, in part, why your relationship with your husband is so strained right now. On one hand, he is proud of you and happy to call that out in public. On the other, he is grumpy and possibly depressed due to his circumstances.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you miss the thoughtful connection you once had. Tell him you miss him, and that even though you are in the house together a lot, it feels like you are on two separate islands. Point out how nice it was to hear him talk about you and your work with such enthusiasm the other day. Tell him you didn’t know he felt like that. You may also want to plan some more outings alone and with others to rekindle kindness in your marriage.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Not long ago, I agreed to go on a date with a man with whom I share a lot of friends. He was a nice guy, but ultimately I decided that we were not a good match. I thanked him for a nice evening, and we didn’t speak again. The other day, I found out that that same man has been telling all of our mutual friends that I was a terrible date. He told everyone that I was rude and obnoxious, and that he turned me down. He’s completely lying. What should I do? -- Making Me Look Bad

DEAR MAKING ME LOOK BAD: Resist the urge to get in the gossip loop about this man. He realized the date didn’t go well, but rather than moving on, his ego urged him to make a statement. You can choose to say nothing about him. If your personality is not rude or obnoxious, your mutual friends probably already know that this guy is out of line. Let him dig his own grave, so to speak. You cannot control what he says, but you do not have to feed into it.

If you see him again, which is likely since you share friends, you can ask him why he would bad-mouth you. Just because neither of you decided to go on a second date doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have spent years being mad at my father about things that he did and said to me when I was a child. I grew up in his household, and he was harsh. He was a taskmaster, and he expected everyone in the family to do exactly what he said, or else suffer his glaring eye. I was so mad at him because I felt like he didn’t love me. He was rarely warm or kind.

My father has been dead a long time now. As I look at my own kids and those of friends, I realize that his lessons pushed me to excel. A lot of kids today are complacent and get away with not striving to be their best. My father’s methods worked. I still wish he were kinder, but I see the impact he had on my life, and it turns out it was good. He drove me to be responsible and successful.

My father is long gone. How can I forgive him and teach my children the benefits he gave me? I don’t usually talk about him kindly. -- Perspective

DEAR PERSPECTIVE: It’s great that you finally see some value in your father’s approach to parenting and life. This refreshed understanding should help you to forgive him. Next, you can begin to tell your children about him and the lessons he taught you. Be honest. He was harsh and consistent with his values and rules, and often, that upset you. Tell them. But also explain that because of how strict he was, you have developed a discipline and drive that have served you well. Attempt to teach your children the lessons he instilled in you, but without the hard edge. Point out when they are slacking and what the consequences may be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student, and I share a dorm room with a girl who is pretty nice, but she has boundary issues. My roommate is constantly “borrowing” my stuff. She uses my shampoo. She will wear a sweater that’s hanging in my closet if it matches her outfit better than her own sweater. She will even eat my food if it’s in the refrigerator and she is hungry.

I grew up in a household where people were constantly “borrowing” stuff from me, and I hated it. This person is not related to me, and I’m not having it. How can I get my point across without being rude? -- Hands Off

DEAR HANDS OFF: Sit down with your roommate and have a direct conversation with her. Tell her that you do not like to share your stuff. This includes clothing, food, toiletries, etc. In the future, if she wants to borrow something of yours, tell her she must ask and get your permission. Otherwise, she should assume that the answer is no.

Begin to label the food that you put in the refrigerator. Store your clothing in drawers, if at all possible. Keep your toiletries in a shower caddy in your personal area. Make it hard for her to invade your space. That may help.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m dating a man whose ex-girlfriend cannot seem to leave him alone. She follows him around and even shows up at his home unannounced while I’m there. He’s had to call the police on her a few times. It’s getting to the point where I’m concerned not only for his safety, but for my own. What should I do? -- Crazy Ex

DEAR CRAZY EX: Trust your inner voice. Jealous ex-partners can be dangerous. While your boyfriend cannot control his ex, you may want to put your relationship on pause until she calms down. Talk to him about your concerns. Make a plan together that puts both of your safety first. He may need to visit with the police and learn if they have any recommendations for safety precautions. If she doesn’t know where you live, your home might be a safe space, but if she follows him around, that may be dangerous as well.

Ultimately, you need to decide if this relationship is worth risking your safety. That may sound harsh, but sometimes these situations escalate and turn violent. Is this man worth your life?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got drunk and said some mean things to a friend of mine. She and I have had issues in the past, and generally I bite my tongue, but I had had a few too many, and I let her have it. I know this wasn’t nice. It was actually out of control. The thing is, though, what I said is how I feel even though I had never said it all out loud before.

I feel I owe my friend an apology for blurting it all out like that, but I may also owe her the truth, which is that she does upset me in particular ways that I have never told her before. I think it’s time for a heart-to-heart talk, but I’m scared. I’m also embarrassed that it took a drunken rage to get me to have the courage to say anything. Should I tell her? -- Sober Talk

DEAR SOBER TALK: Being honest with your friend when you are alert and sober is the responsible action to take. Start with an apology for spewing all of those thoughts on the day that you did. Acknowledge that being drunk is not a viable excuse for bad behavior. You know better, and you truly are sorry.

Then add the fact that you are also sorry that you never had the courage or could choose the moment to tell her what bothers you about her. Admit that your drunken talk, while vitriolic, did represent your true thoughts. Point out what bothers you about your friend's behavior and how she makes you feel. If you can see any resolution to whatever has surfaced, recommend that. Also give her a chance to talk. Once you clear the air, decide together -- if possible -- how to move forward. This moment of truth could mark the end of your friendship or a fresh start.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)