Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son’s birthday and Christmas are close together. Some years, I have gone all out for both, getting him all kinds of things for his birthday and turning around to do the same for Christmas. This year, I can’t afford to do that. There’s a chance I could lose my job at the end of the year. There is a lot of uncertainty right now, and I can’t be extravagant in any way.

My son is a teenager now. Should I tell him that this year, we need to be more modest in the gifts category? I don’t want him to think I am punishing him by giving him less. -- Reality Check

DEAR REALITY CHECK: Now is the perfect time to teach your son more about life. It is not about being showered with gifts. It is about family, love, compassion and understanding. Being the ultimate Santa for his birthday and Christmas is not setting him up for success as a person who needs to live in the real world. It is fun and exciting, but it is more fantasy than reality.

So talk to your son. Tell him it is time to be more selective about gifts this year. Invite him to think of one or two things he would appreciate that he can share with you. Be sure to tell him that your purse strings are tighter this year because the economy has changed, and you need to be more frugal. Begin to teach him about money, work and responsibilities. Don’t scare him, but open up to him a bit about your world so that he can understand what’s happening.

There’s a wonderful program that may be of interest to you -- it that teaches children about money and helps parents learn how to talk about it with them. Check out worldofmoney.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend and I have so many things in common, but not everything. One thing that we do not have in common is relationship experience: I have been in three long-term relationships, and my best friend has never been in one.

When I am telling her about my experiences, she can’t relate at all. Her advice is sometimes harsh, hurtful and unwanted. How do I tell her that I find her advice unhelpful because she cannot relate? -- Useless Advice

DEAR USELESS ADVICE: You already know the answer. While this person is your best friend, she is not the best person to talk to about every topic. That doesn’t take away from how much you love her. It doesn’t give you perspective on what is appropriate to tell her. It also awakens you to the understanding that if you want a confidant to talk to about relationships, it needs to be somebody else. It is OK to expand your friend group. It may feel awkward at first, but it is perfectly fine to have more than one friend and to have friends for different reasons.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that people are going out again, my husband and I have attended a few events with friends and others. I notice that he turns on the charm big-time in front of other people, but when we are alone, he retreats to his corner of our home and rarely talks to me. The other day we were out and he was bragging about some of the work that I have been doing, and I was shocked. What he says to me when it’s just us is that I work too much. He got laid off during the pandemic and is mainly doing odd jobs these days. I can’t remember the last time he paid me a compliment. How can I get him to say nice things to me when it’s just us? -- Be Nice to Me

DEAR BE NICE TO ME: The negative impact of the pandemic will be studied for years to come. So many people lost their jobs. That was devastating. Being in quarantine also stretched people’s capacity to live together and be kind to each other. This may be, in part, why your relationship with your husband is so strained right now. On one hand, he is proud of you and happy to call that out in public. On the other, he is grumpy and possibly depressed due to his circumstances.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you miss the thoughtful connection you once had. Tell him you miss him, and that even though you are in the house together a lot, it feels like you are on two separate islands. Point out how nice it was to hear him talk about you and your work with such enthusiasm the other day. Tell him you didn’t know he felt like that. You may also want to plan some more outings alone and with others to rekindle kindness in your marriage.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Not long ago, I agreed to go on a date with a man with whom I share a lot of friends. He was a nice guy, but ultimately I decided that we were not a good match. I thanked him for a nice evening, and we didn’t speak again. The other day, I found out that that same man has been telling all of our mutual friends that I was a terrible date. He told everyone that I was rude and obnoxious, and that he turned me down. He’s completely lying. What should I do? -- Making Me Look Bad

DEAR MAKING ME LOOK BAD: Resist the urge to get in the gossip loop about this man. He realized the date didn’t go well, but rather than moving on, his ego urged him to make a statement. You can choose to say nothing about him. If your personality is not rude or obnoxious, your mutual friends probably already know that this guy is out of line. Let him dig his own grave, so to speak. You cannot control what he says, but you do not have to feed into it.

If you see him again, which is likely since you share friends, you can ask him why he would bad-mouth you. Just because neither of you decided to go on a second date doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have spent years being mad at my father about things that he did and said to me when I was a child. I grew up in his household, and he was harsh. He was a taskmaster, and he expected everyone in the family to do exactly what he said, or else suffer his glaring eye. I was so mad at him because I felt like he didn’t love me. He was rarely warm or kind.

My father has been dead a long time now. As I look at my own kids and those of friends, I realize that his lessons pushed me to excel. A lot of kids today are complacent and get away with not striving to be their best. My father’s methods worked. I still wish he were kinder, but I see the impact he had on my life, and it turns out it was good. He drove me to be responsible and successful.

My father is long gone. How can I forgive him and teach my children the benefits he gave me? I don’t usually talk about him kindly. -- Perspective

DEAR PERSPECTIVE: It’s great that you finally see some value in your father’s approach to parenting and life. This refreshed understanding should help you to forgive him. Next, you can begin to tell your children about him and the lessons he taught you. Be honest. He was harsh and consistent with his values and rules, and often, that upset you. Tell them. But also explain that because of how strict he was, you have developed a discipline and drive that have served you well. Attempt to teach your children the lessons he instilled in you, but without the hard edge. Point out when they are slacking and what the consequences may be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student, and I share a dorm room with a girl who is pretty nice, but she has boundary issues. My roommate is constantly “borrowing” my stuff. She uses my shampoo. She will wear a sweater that’s hanging in my closet if it matches her outfit better than her own sweater. She will even eat my food if it’s in the refrigerator and she is hungry.

I grew up in a household where people were constantly “borrowing” stuff from me, and I hated it. This person is not related to me, and I’m not having it. How can I get my point across without being rude? -- Hands Off

DEAR HANDS OFF: Sit down with your roommate and have a direct conversation with her. Tell her that you do not like to share your stuff. This includes clothing, food, toiletries, etc. In the future, if she wants to borrow something of yours, tell her she must ask and get your permission. Otherwise, she should assume that the answer is no.

Begin to label the food that you put in the refrigerator. Store your clothing in drawers, if at all possible. Keep your toiletries in a shower caddy in your personal area. Make it hard for her to invade your space. That may help.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)