Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked on a project years ago that drove me crazy. I loved the work, but the leader of the business was impossible to deal with. I left after about seven years. They recently invited me to come back to do some work for them. I agreed because I do love the work, and a couple of my contracts for this year are fizzling out, so I thought it was smart to say yes to more work. But already the drama and intensity of working with this person has begun. She tries to claim all of my time, even though this is a low-budget venture. I have committed to the work, but I already regret it. How can I get through this contract without going mad? -- Bad Fit

DEAR BAD FIT: Accept the fact that you agreed to do this work. Think about what you like about it, and keep that in your awareness. Be clear about what you will and will not do and what boundaries need to be in place in order for you to do the work successfully. Let the boss know when you will be available to meet and, just as importantly, when you are not. Be respectful and pleasant, but also firm.

Remember that this is a short-term engagement. Put the date on your calendar for when the contract ends. Look at that on days you are at your wit’s end.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m relatively new at my job. I came in with a group of new hires, so we have been in an orientation for the past few days. Today we were shown a slideshow about “appropriate vs. inappropriate office attire,” and it was extremely sexist. The rules were pretty much only applicable to women. Who should I address this with? How should I address this? My boss is male, and I don’t want him to think I have an issue exclusively with him, as I’m sure he’s not the one who created those exact rules. -- Sexism at Work

DEAR SEXISM AT WORK: You can speak to your boss or someone in human resources. It’s the tone that matters. Ask him if you can speak privately. Note that you understand the orientation is designed to get everyone on the same page about your company’s culture, business practices, etc. Point out that you noticed that slides about office attire were skewed toward women, and you found that to be unbalanced. If you took issue with any of the guidelines, bring that up, but if it is mainly the fact that men’s attire was largely not included, say as much. Ask if he ever noticed how lopsided the presentation was. You could even give a few examples of what you saw in the presentation and what was missing. For example, “no low-cut tops or miniskirts” could have been there for women. Were "sagging pants" listed for men? You may be able to open his eyes without jeopardizing your position if you bring this up as facts rather than accusations.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son’s birthday and Christmas are close together. Some years, I have gone all out for both, getting him all kinds of things for his birthday and turning around to do the same for Christmas. This year, I can’t afford to do that. There’s a chance I could lose my job at the end of the year. There is a lot of uncertainty right now, and I can’t be extravagant in any way.

My son is a teenager now. Should I tell him that this year, we need to be more modest in the gifts category? I don’t want him to think I am punishing him by giving him less. -- Reality Check

DEAR REALITY CHECK: Now is the perfect time to teach your son more about life. It is not about being showered with gifts. It is about family, love, compassion and understanding. Being the ultimate Santa for his birthday and Christmas is not setting him up for success as a person who needs to live in the real world. It is fun and exciting, but it is more fantasy than reality.

So talk to your son. Tell him it is time to be more selective about gifts this year. Invite him to think of one or two things he would appreciate that he can share with you. Be sure to tell him that your purse strings are tighter this year because the economy has changed, and you need to be more frugal. Begin to teach him about money, work and responsibilities. Don’t scare him, but open up to him a bit about your world so that he can understand what’s happening.

There’s a wonderful program that may be of interest to you -- it that teaches children about money and helps parents learn how to talk about it with them. Check out worldofmoney.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend and I have so many things in common, but not everything. One thing that we do not have in common is relationship experience: I have been in three long-term relationships, and my best friend has never been in one.

When I am telling her about my experiences, she can’t relate at all. Her advice is sometimes harsh, hurtful and unwanted. How do I tell her that I find her advice unhelpful because she cannot relate? -- Useless Advice

DEAR USELESS ADVICE: You already know the answer. While this person is your best friend, she is not the best person to talk to about every topic. That doesn’t take away from how much you love her. It doesn’t give you perspective on what is appropriate to tell her. It also awakens you to the understanding that if you want a confidant to talk to about relationships, it needs to be somebody else. It is OK to expand your friend group. It may feel awkward at first, but it is perfectly fine to have more than one friend and to have friends for different reasons.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that people are going out again, my husband and I have attended a few events with friends and others. I notice that he turns on the charm big-time in front of other people, but when we are alone, he retreats to his corner of our home and rarely talks to me. The other day we were out and he was bragging about some of the work that I have been doing, and I was shocked. What he says to me when it’s just us is that I work too much. He got laid off during the pandemic and is mainly doing odd jobs these days. I can’t remember the last time he paid me a compliment. How can I get him to say nice things to me when it’s just us? -- Be Nice to Me

DEAR BE NICE TO ME: The negative impact of the pandemic will be studied for years to come. So many people lost their jobs. That was devastating. Being in quarantine also stretched people’s capacity to live together and be kind to each other. This may be, in part, why your relationship with your husband is so strained right now. On one hand, he is proud of you and happy to call that out in public. On the other, he is grumpy and possibly depressed due to his circumstances.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you miss the thoughtful connection you once had. Tell him you miss him, and that even though you are in the house together a lot, it feels like you are on two separate islands. Point out how nice it was to hear him talk about you and your work with such enthusiasm the other day. Tell him you didn’t know he felt like that. You may also want to plan some more outings alone and with others to rekindle kindness in your marriage.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Not long ago, I agreed to go on a date with a man with whom I share a lot of friends. He was a nice guy, but ultimately I decided that we were not a good match. I thanked him for a nice evening, and we didn’t speak again. The other day, I found out that that same man has been telling all of our mutual friends that I was a terrible date. He told everyone that I was rude and obnoxious, and that he turned me down. He’s completely lying. What should I do? -- Making Me Look Bad

DEAR MAKING ME LOOK BAD: Resist the urge to get in the gossip loop about this man. He realized the date didn’t go well, but rather than moving on, his ego urged him to make a statement. You can choose to say nothing about him. If your personality is not rude or obnoxious, your mutual friends probably already know that this guy is out of line. Let him dig his own grave, so to speak. You cannot control what he says, but you do not have to feed into it.

If you see him again, which is likely since you share friends, you can ask him why he would bad-mouth you. Just because neither of you decided to go on a second date doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)