Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my oldest friends is going through a messy separation with his wife. My friend was caught having an affair, which resulted in his wife kicking him out of the house. He asked me if he would be able to stay with me and my wife for a few weeks. I wanted to let him stay with us so badly, but my wife was opposed to the idea. I hated to leave my friend when he needed me, but I could not force my wife to get involved in something so messy when she is good friends with his wife as well. I’m worried that our friendship will never be the same. Did I betray my friend by not helping him out? -- Out of My Control

DEAR OUT OF MY CONTROL: Your friend’s behavior is having negative repercussions throughout his life. Please know that this is not your fault. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who is now suffering due to his unethical behavior. Of course you wanted to throw him a lifeline. And it turned out to be too complicated for you to comply.

Something that people don’t think about marriage is that it touches many more people than the two people who are married. Extended family members and friends become interconnected. When the unit breaks, that break reverberates through all of the connected people.

Tell your friend how sorry you are that you cannot rescue him. Tell him you love him and will do what you can to support him. But stand by your wife. He has to sort through his own business.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who has borrowed money from me over the years. Because I have significantly more money than she has, I have never asked her to pay me back. I have told her to consider it a gift. Recently, I have noticed that she is living pretty high on the hog. She bought a nice car and has been wearing dressier clothes. Her life seems to be moving in a positive direction. I can’t help but feel that she is probably spending more than she can afford. If she comes back to me for help, I don’t know how I will feel about helping her if she is not spending her money well. Am I getting too deeply involved in her business? -- Drawing the Line

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: You have been very generous with this friend over the years because you wanted to do so. Don’t forget that it was your choice. Rather than looking at her and wondering how she spends her money, be happy for her that she may be enjoying some creature comforts of life. If she asks you for help in the future, decide based upon how generous you want to be in the moment, rather than evaluating her spending patterns. Generosity works best when it comes with no strings attached.

This woman still has less than you have, based on your description of her. If she asks or if you just choose to give her a gift, go ahead. Resist the urge to scold her about her choices.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked on a project years ago that drove me crazy. I loved the work, but the leader of the business was impossible to deal with. I left after about seven years. They recently invited me to come back to do some work for them. I agreed because I do love the work, and a couple of my contracts for this year are fizzling out, so I thought it was smart to say yes to more work. But already the drama and intensity of working with this person has begun. She tries to claim all of my time, even though this is a low-budget venture. I have committed to the work, but I already regret it. How can I get through this contract without going mad? -- Bad Fit

DEAR BAD FIT: Accept the fact that you agreed to do this work. Think about what you like about it, and keep that in your awareness. Be clear about what you will and will not do and what boundaries need to be in place in order for you to do the work successfully. Let the boss know when you will be available to meet and, just as importantly, when you are not. Be respectful and pleasant, but also firm.

Remember that this is a short-term engagement. Put the date on your calendar for when the contract ends. Look at that on days you are at your wit’s end.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m relatively new at my job. I came in with a group of new hires, so we have been in an orientation for the past few days. Today we were shown a slideshow about “appropriate vs. inappropriate office attire,” and it was extremely sexist. The rules were pretty much only applicable to women. Who should I address this with? How should I address this? My boss is male, and I don’t want him to think I have an issue exclusively with him, as I’m sure he’s not the one who created those exact rules. -- Sexism at Work

DEAR SEXISM AT WORK: You can speak to your boss or someone in human resources. It’s the tone that matters. Ask him if you can speak privately. Note that you understand the orientation is designed to get everyone on the same page about your company’s culture, business practices, etc. Point out that you noticed that slides about office attire were skewed toward women, and you found that to be unbalanced. If you took issue with any of the guidelines, bring that up, but if it is mainly the fact that men’s attire was largely not included, say as much. Ask if he ever noticed how lopsided the presentation was. You could even give a few examples of what you saw in the presentation and what was missing. For example, “no low-cut tops or miniskirts” could have been there for women. Were "sagging pants" listed for men? You may be able to open his eyes without jeopardizing your position if you bring this up as facts rather than accusations.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son’s birthday and Christmas are close together. Some years, I have gone all out for both, getting him all kinds of things for his birthday and turning around to do the same for Christmas. This year, I can’t afford to do that. There’s a chance I could lose my job at the end of the year. There is a lot of uncertainty right now, and I can’t be extravagant in any way.

My son is a teenager now. Should I tell him that this year, we need to be more modest in the gifts category? I don’t want him to think I am punishing him by giving him less. -- Reality Check

DEAR REALITY CHECK: Now is the perfect time to teach your son more about life. It is not about being showered with gifts. It is about family, love, compassion and understanding. Being the ultimate Santa for his birthday and Christmas is not setting him up for success as a person who needs to live in the real world. It is fun and exciting, but it is more fantasy than reality.

So talk to your son. Tell him it is time to be more selective about gifts this year. Invite him to think of one or two things he would appreciate that he can share with you. Be sure to tell him that your purse strings are tighter this year because the economy has changed, and you need to be more frugal. Begin to teach him about money, work and responsibilities. Don’t scare him, but open up to him a bit about your world so that he can understand what’s happening.

There’s a wonderful program that may be of interest to you -- it that teaches children about money and helps parents learn how to talk about it with them. Check out worldofmoney.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend and I have so many things in common, but not everything. One thing that we do not have in common is relationship experience: I have been in three long-term relationships, and my best friend has never been in one.

When I am telling her about my experiences, she can’t relate at all. Her advice is sometimes harsh, hurtful and unwanted. How do I tell her that I find her advice unhelpful because she cannot relate? -- Useless Advice

DEAR USELESS ADVICE: You already know the answer. While this person is your best friend, she is not the best person to talk to about every topic. That doesn’t take away from how much you love her. It doesn’t give you perspective on what is appropriate to tell her. It also awakens you to the understanding that if you want a confidant to talk to about relationships, it needs to be somebody else. It is OK to expand your friend group. It may feel awkward at first, but it is perfectly fine to have more than one friend and to have friends for different reasons.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)