Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming about an old boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in years, but I recently learned that his wife of more than 20 years passed away. I wonder if that’s why he came into my dream? It was weird. The dream was erotic. I can’t tell you when I last had any sexual fantasies. I have been single and without a date for years. Sex really hasn’t been on my brain, but here I was in an intimate moment with this man. Do you think that’s a sign? Should I reach out to him? And what should I say? Do I tell him we were intimate in my dream? I don’t quite know what to do. -- In My Dreams

DEAR IN MY DREAMS: Dreams are not always literal. A few things come to mind, though, regarding your dream. For starters, now you know that you can and do still have sexual desires. Your dream activated that for you, and those feelings were real. Relish in that!

Your dream also reminded you of this man. If you still have fond feelings for him beyond your erotic dream, reach out to him to say hello. Express your condolences for the loss of his wife, and check in to see how he is doing. Do not tell him about your dream. Instead, just talk to him. You can ask if he needs anything. You can even offer to visit him or invite him to coffee. Read the moment as you are speaking to him to get a sense of where he is and what he is doing with his life. No need to be pushy. Instead, just be present. See how things unfold.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am still working from home. My whole work setup now is at my desk with my computer that links me to the outside world. My husband retired during the pandemic, so he is also at home without job responsibilities. I have noticed that when I am on an important call, my husband regularly comes into the room and starts talking to me. He knows I am working. I follow the same schedule every workday, but somehow he seems to “forget” all the time. I then have to wave him off, shush him or interrupt my meeting because he won’t go away. How can I get him to stop? It seems pretty immature, really. -- Work Boundaries

DEAR WORK BOUNDARIES: Why not put a sign up on the outside of your office door stating your office hours? It can be the same daily, or it may change based upon your responsibilities for the day. You may also write into the calendar when your free time is. To the best of your ability, venture out of your office during your free time to chitchat with your husband, share a meal or otherwise engage him. If he begins to notice that you are making time for him during your workday, he may become more amenable to honoring the hours you cannot communicate with him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have become very unpleasant in their old age. I try to visit them as often as I can, but their attitudes these past few visits have made them increasingly harder to be around. I stayed with them for only five days, and on the third day, they were bickering and moping. I feel terrible for not wanting to spend as much time around them, but I really can’t stand the negativity. How do I deal with this? -- Unpleasant Parents

DEAR UNPLEASANT PARENTS: Is it possible for you to visit with them but stay at a nearby hotel? Sometimes it is helpful to keep some distance between you and your parents. In that way, you may be able to visit longer without being overwhelmed.

Because their behavior has changed, you should do some sleuthing. What is going on with them as a couple and with them individually? Are there health concerns of which you are unaware? Are they suffering any mental degeneration? Are they forgetful? How clean is their home? Are they able to manage independently? Sometimes when older people’s behavior changes dramatically, it is the result of aging and not necessarily understanding what’s happening to them. If you can take them for physical examinations while you are with them, that would help you to discover any underlying issues that need to be addressed.

Don’t give up on them or visit them less. Find a way to be with them strategically so that your peace of mind is intact and you can learn what they need. More activities and interaction with others could help them. Perhaps they can join a senior center or community group where they interact with peers around social and civic activities. The change in pace may help with their attitudes.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have never been good at reconciling my finances at the end of the year. I have struggled with doing my taxes, and usually I get them done, but not without hours of anguish and worry that I am doing them wrong. I do not make a lot of money, so I never got an accountant, but I’m wondering if I should. I’m embarrassed by my low finances, but I don’t want to miss out on tax breaks and other things that I could benefit from if a professional helped me out. Do you think it’s OK to get help, even if my income is low? -- Need Tax Help

DEAR NEED TAX HELP: Yes! No matter what your income, you can definitely reach out for help in preparing your taxes. There are some free tax prep services that provide forms that can make it easy for you to fill out the information by following the prompts. There are also affordable tax services that can file for you. What’s important for you to know is that you must gather all of your receipts, bank statements, pay stubs, etc. Have them as well-organized as possible so that when you meet with a tax preparer, you have your papers in order.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my oldest friends is going through a messy separation with his wife. My friend was caught having an affair, which resulted in his wife kicking him out of the house. He asked me if he would be able to stay with me and my wife for a few weeks. I wanted to let him stay with us so badly, but my wife was opposed to the idea. I hated to leave my friend when he needed me, but I could not force my wife to get involved in something so messy when she is good friends with his wife as well. I’m worried that our friendship will never be the same. Did I betray my friend by not helping him out? -- Out of My Control

DEAR OUT OF MY CONTROL: Your friend’s behavior is having negative repercussions throughout his life. Please know that this is not your fault. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who is now suffering due to his unethical behavior. Of course you wanted to throw him a lifeline. And it turned out to be too complicated for you to comply.

Something that people don’t think about marriage is that it touches many more people than the two people who are married. Extended family members and friends become interconnected. When the unit breaks, that break reverberates through all of the connected people.

Tell your friend how sorry you are that you cannot rescue him. Tell him you love him and will do what you can to support him. But stand by your wife. He has to sort through his own business.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who has borrowed money from me over the years. Because I have significantly more money than she has, I have never asked her to pay me back. I have told her to consider it a gift. Recently, I have noticed that she is living pretty high on the hog. She bought a nice car and has been wearing dressier clothes. Her life seems to be moving in a positive direction. I can’t help but feel that she is probably spending more than she can afford. If she comes back to me for help, I don’t know how I will feel about helping her if she is not spending her money well. Am I getting too deeply involved in her business? -- Drawing the Line

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: You have been very generous with this friend over the years because you wanted to do so. Don’t forget that it was your choice. Rather than looking at her and wondering how she spends her money, be happy for her that she may be enjoying some creature comforts of life. If she asks you for help in the future, decide based upon how generous you want to be in the moment, rather than evaluating her spending patterns. Generosity works best when it comes with no strings attached.

This woman still has less than you have, based on your description of her. If she asks or if you just choose to give her a gift, go ahead. Resist the urge to scold her about her choices.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)