Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A close friend of mine is very negative, and lately it feels that the negativity is always aimed at me. She throws subtle jabs at my career choices, the people I date, the other friends I have and even the things I wear. I went to lunch with her recently and decided I wouldn’t say anything about my career because I didn’t want to give her a chance to make a negative comment, and she still found a way to talk down on my job. I don’t understand it. I also don’t think that she means to make me feel bad. She has always been a negative person in general. Is this something that can be solved, or should I think about distancing myself from this friend? -- Negative Nancy

DEAR NEGATIVE NANCY: Looks like you are just now waking up to something that has been happening for a long time. Step back a moment and evaluate what you like about this friendship. Do you really enjoy this person, or is she a bad habit that you finally realize you need to break? Make a list. Write down what you like about her. Be specific. When have you enjoyed her company? What were you doing at the time? Record as many good things as you can recall. Then make another list of things that irritate you or hurt your feelings. Compare your lists.

Using the objective lens of the lists you have made, answer your own question. Should you continue to be her friend? Sometimes seeing things in black and white makes it easier for you to make a clear assessment. Nobody has to stay in your life forever -- even family members if those relationships are toxic. Let your own answers guide you to your next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a pain in my neck -- literally -- for several months now. I think it’s because of the way I have been sleeping, but I’m not sure. I do not have insurance, so I haven't gone to the doctor. Plus, I have a friend who had a pain in her stomach for a long time. When she finally went to the doctor, it was terminal cancer. I’m afraid something like that might happen to me. My best friend says I’m stupid for not checking it out. What if the worst is true, and I am sick? I can’t afford to deal with that. How can I get out of this fear? It’s got me doing absolutely nothing. -- Face You Fear

DEAR FACE YOUR FEAR: Your friend is right. You should go to the doctor to see about your pain. There is no way for you to know definitively what it is, especially since it’s chronic, without evaluation. Do your research. Find a teaching hospital. Sometimes they will offer care to patients without insurance. Research other health facilities in your area. Most cities have health care establishments that will treat you even if you are uninsured. If the pain is so intense that it seems like an emergency, you can go to a hospital. They are required to see you, though you will have to pay the bill eventually.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in a serious relationship with a man who, like myself, has two children from a previous relationship. His kids are about two years older than mine, but all of them are in elementary school. My boyfriend’s kids are not very well-behaved. They lack manners and respect for elders, and they regularly use swear words. I’m worried that they might be a bad influence on my kids. I don’t like when my kids spend longer than a few hours with them because they usually misbehave afterward. What should I do? -- Bad Influence

DEAR BAD INFLUENCE: You and your guy need to have some serious conversations about the future and the blending of your families. You need to set ground rules for what is acceptable in your home and around your children. For example, you have rules about manners, language and interactions with elders. Your partner needs to agree with you that the behavior you expect must be taught to them, and they must learn to comply. It will take time if he agrees. There’s a good chance there may be resistance from their mother. But in order for you to build a long-term relationship with him, the children have to be able to follow the rules of your home. Otherwise, it will not work. You need to make that clear to him.

If he is unwilling to work with you to reinforce your family guidelines, he is not the partner for you. It would do you well to figure that out ASAP before you become too entrenched in his life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am working for a startup that is not doing well. All indicators suggest that we could be out of business in a matter of months. I love this company and want to help them survive, but I'm not sure I know what to do. Heck, they don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a quitter, though. They have asked us to do everything in our power to fortify them during this rocky patch. How can I take care of myself at the same time? I’m exhausted. -- At the Edge

DEAR AT THE EDGE: Talk to the owners. Make sure they know how committed you are to them and the business. Ask them if they think they will be able to provide any kind of severance if things don’t work out. Make it clear to them that you want nothing more than to stick with them and you worry about how to take care of yourself. Find out if they would be willing to give you anything if they decide to pull the plug in the next few months.

If they cannot make that guarantee, you need to understand that it is an urgent time for you to look for another job. You can carve out an hour each day to tend to your future: brush off the resume, do your research, make a few calls and actively look for employment. Continue to give your all to the job, but save a little of that “all” for yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m getting married soon. Planning the wedding has been stressful for a lot of reasons, but one of the main reasons has been my fiance’s groomsmen. One of the groomsmen's girlfriends is extremely jealous and does not want him walking down the aisle with any of my bridesmaids. She is demanding that her boyfriend walk down the aisle alone. My fiance has tried to resolve the issue to no avail. My solution is to kick him out of the wedding and uninvite the girlfriend (I barely know her). Would this be unfair? -- Added Stress

DEAR ADDED STRESS: As tempting as it may be to kick him out of the wedding and uninvite them, that may be a bit extreme. Instead, invite them simply as guests. If the groomsman and your fiance are close, uninviting his girlfriend will seriously hurt your relationship moving forward. I’m going to say that isn’t worth it. It sounds like this man and his girlfriend have their own issues around trust that are larger than your bridal party. It could also simply be that she doesn’t understand how weddings work. It is common for groomsmen to walk with whomever is assigned to them, regardless of their relationship status. The bridal party stands up for the couple getting married and are not supposed to represent their individual relationships. Either way, make sure you and your fiance are on the same page regarding what to do about the groomsman, and move on.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is growing older, and he has a lot of medical issues. His insurance is running out, and he needs the family to pitch in and help cover his bills. I have one brother who makes a ton of money. The rest of my siblings and I are barely scraping by. We assumed our brother would step in and take over our dad’s debt, but that hasn’t happened. Instead, the rest of us are struggling to pay dad’s bills and our own. How can we address this with our brother to get him to help more? -- Please Help

DEAR PLEASE HELP: You say that you and your siblings assumed your wealthy brother would pick up your dad’s tab, but did anyone talk to him about this directly? You cannot make assumptions about how other people spend their money -- or even about what they know about the crisis at hand. Your brother may not be paying attention in the way that you are. He may also think that everyone assumes he will pay for everything because he has money, which could be a sore spot for him.

Whatever the case may be, you need to speak frankly with him about the situation and make a specific ask. Ideally, all siblings would make some kind of contribution to your father’s care based upon your ability to give. Some may offer time if they live close by. Others may offer home-cooked meals, while perhaps your brother can offer dollars. If you present a plan that shows that you are all contributing, your brother may be more comfortable participating as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)