Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I only work part-time for a small business that is run by two people. I work remotely. I used to work full-time, but part-time made more sense for me and my schedule. Sometimes I think that my bosses forget that I work part-time, based on the amount of work that they give me on a daily basis. How do I kindly remind them that the volume of work that they are giving me is too similar to the volume of work that they gave me when I was full-time, and that it’s way too much work? -- Gentle Reminder

DEAR GENTLE REMINDER: Request an end-of-year review meeting with your bosses. Be prepared with an itemization of the work you have done, including when you worked full-time and now. Show them what your productivity has been and what their requests have been.

Point out that they have continued to give you work equal to the volume of a full-time employee, and you want to ask them to recalibrate. Let them know what you believe you can complete in the hours that you work. Assure them that the other work will be finished, but that it may take longer than they would like because you are no longer a full-time employee. But then, you have to reinforce this by not doing 40 hours’ worth of work in 20 hours. Be sure to point out your loyalty even though your hours are reduced.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A woman who works at my job just had a baby, and she named the child after me. I was shocked. I guess it’s nice, but she and I are not friends, and we spend no time together outside of the office. She is now inviting me to participate in family activities and things. She tells me she always liked me and admired me. That’s why she named her child after me. I find it all a bit creepy. I do not want to be her friend or a godmother to her child. How can I close this door without seeming rude? -- My Namesake

DEAR MY NAMESAKE: This is an awkward situation! You can thank the woman for naming her child after you. That’s the thoughtful thing to do. You can say that you hope whatever she likes about you will be part of who her child is and becomes. You can gently decline invitations to hang out with her and her family. You are not required to be a part of this woman’s life. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t odd. It is. But from a bigger perspective, it’s actually sweet that your co-worker thought so much of you to bestow your name upon her child. Take it as a compliment. Be kind to her, even as you keep your distance. You never know. One day you might change your mind and get to know the child. That doesn’t mean you have to have an official role, but you may choose to know her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A close friend of mine is very negative, and lately it feels that the negativity is always aimed at me. She throws subtle jabs at my career choices, the people I date, the other friends I have and even the things I wear. I went to lunch with her recently and decided I wouldn’t say anything about my career because I didn’t want to give her a chance to make a negative comment, and she still found a way to talk down on my job. I don’t understand it. I also don’t think that she means to make me feel bad. She has always been a negative person in general. Is this something that can be solved, or should I think about distancing myself from this friend? -- Negative Nancy

DEAR NEGATIVE NANCY: Looks like you are just now waking up to something that has been happening for a long time. Step back a moment and evaluate what you like about this friendship. Do you really enjoy this person, or is she a bad habit that you finally realize you need to break? Make a list. Write down what you like about her. Be specific. When have you enjoyed her company? What were you doing at the time? Record as many good things as you can recall. Then make another list of things that irritate you or hurt your feelings. Compare your lists.

Using the objective lens of the lists you have made, answer your own question. Should you continue to be her friend? Sometimes seeing things in black and white makes it easier for you to make a clear assessment. Nobody has to stay in your life forever -- even family members if those relationships are toxic. Let your own answers guide you to your next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a pain in my neck -- literally -- for several months now. I think it’s because of the way I have been sleeping, but I’m not sure. I do not have insurance, so I haven't gone to the doctor. Plus, I have a friend who had a pain in her stomach for a long time. When she finally went to the doctor, it was terminal cancer. I’m afraid something like that might happen to me. My best friend says I’m stupid for not checking it out. What if the worst is true, and I am sick? I can’t afford to deal with that. How can I get out of this fear? It’s got me doing absolutely nothing. -- Face You Fear

DEAR FACE YOUR FEAR: Your friend is right. You should go to the doctor to see about your pain. There is no way for you to know definitively what it is, especially since it’s chronic, without evaluation. Do your research. Find a teaching hospital. Sometimes they will offer care to patients without insurance. Research other health facilities in your area. Most cities have health care establishments that will treat you even if you are uninsured. If the pain is so intense that it seems like an emergency, you can go to a hospital. They are required to see you, though you will have to pay the bill eventually.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in a serious relationship with a man who, like myself, has two children from a previous relationship. His kids are about two years older than mine, but all of them are in elementary school. My boyfriend’s kids are not very well-behaved. They lack manners and respect for elders, and they regularly use swear words. I’m worried that they might be a bad influence on my kids. I don’t like when my kids spend longer than a few hours with them because they usually misbehave afterward. What should I do? -- Bad Influence

DEAR BAD INFLUENCE: You and your guy need to have some serious conversations about the future and the blending of your families. You need to set ground rules for what is acceptable in your home and around your children. For example, you have rules about manners, language and interactions with elders. Your partner needs to agree with you that the behavior you expect must be taught to them, and they must learn to comply. It will take time if he agrees. There’s a good chance there may be resistance from their mother. But in order for you to build a long-term relationship with him, the children have to be able to follow the rules of your home. Otherwise, it will not work. You need to make that clear to him.

If he is unwilling to work with you to reinforce your family guidelines, he is not the partner for you. It would do you well to figure that out ASAP before you become too entrenched in his life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am working for a startup that is not doing well. All indicators suggest that we could be out of business in a matter of months. I love this company and want to help them survive, but I'm not sure I know what to do. Heck, they don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a quitter, though. They have asked us to do everything in our power to fortify them during this rocky patch. How can I take care of myself at the same time? I’m exhausted. -- At the Edge

DEAR AT THE EDGE: Talk to the owners. Make sure they know how committed you are to them and the business. Ask them if they think they will be able to provide any kind of severance if things don’t work out. Make it clear to them that you want nothing more than to stick with them and you worry about how to take care of yourself. Find out if they would be willing to give you anything if they decide to pull the plug in the next few months.

If they cannot make that guarantee, you need to understand that it is an urgent time for you to look for another job. You can carve out an hour each day to tend to your future: brush off the resume, do your research, make a few calls and actively look for employment. Continue to give your all to the job, but save a little of that “all” for yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)