Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a serious night owl. I work long hours and need time to unwind. I don’t do all that much at night, but I don’t go to sleep. I watch movies sometimes, or binge watch stupid TV shows. I read sometimes. I don’t really know how the time passes. All I know is that I rarely get to bed before 1 a.m., and I have to get up by 7:30 no matter what. Usually, I don’t feel tired, but my mom keeps reminding me that I am supposed to get at least eight hours of sleep. How can I change my ways? -- Go to Sleep

DEAR GO TO SLEEP: While you are up one night, do some research on the benefits of sleep and the harm you do to your body by not getting a good eight hours each night. Wake yourself to the damage you are doing to yourself, and that may be the very medicine you need to reconsider how you spend your evenings.

There’s an insightful doctor who speaks candidly about this. Dr. Daniel Amen explains that the brain needs at least seven hours of sleep in order to regenerate each day. He further explains that you can actually heal your brain by feeding it well and giving it the rest it needs. Here is a TED Talk he did that elaborates on the brain, including the absolute need for sleep: youtu.be/MLKj1puoWCg.

So how do you get to more sleep? Turn off the TV. Stop eating several hours before you plan to go to bed. Don’t drink alcohol. Drink a little water. Get in the bed with the intention of getting rest. Train yourself to do it. You can.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wealthiest friend is the least generous friend I have. She makes twice my salary and is married to an incredibly wealthy man, so she doesn’t even really have to work. She is constantly suggesting that we do things such as go on trips, dine at expensive restaurants, buy front-row tickets to concerts, etc., but she never offers to treat me to a thing. This has caused a rift, as I can’t afford to do a lot of the things she prefers to do. I’m not that type of friend at all. Even though I have less, I will treat my friends and not ask for a dime in return. Am I wrong for thinking she could be more generous? -- Stingy Friend

DEAR STINGY FRIEND: As you continue your friend evaluation, step back and ask yourself if this person is actually your friend. Her behavior is saying something very different. Perhaps she is not conscious of how she is behaving or of your circumstances or those of her other friends.

You do not have to put yourself in the situation of feeling less-than because she is oblivious to your reality. Stop going out with her. Or tell her directly that you cannot hang with her the way she likes to because you can’t afford it. If she wants you to do expensive things, she is going to have to pay your way. Otherwise, you will be unable to accompany her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Christmas is approaching. Last Christmas was difficult for me. I visited my family, and we argued for the majority of my trip. My dad, in particular, was extremely rude to me and made comments that hurt my feelings. To protect my peace, I’ve already made plans to spend Christmas out of state with my best friend. I told my dad that I won’t be home this year, but he has been doing everything he can to convince me to spend Christmas at home. Should I tell my family that my real reason for not coming is that I had a terrible time with them last year? -- Harsh Truth

DEAR HARSH TRUTH: I’m a firm believer in addressing the truth as soon as you can. Otherwise, bad feelings fester, and assumptions get made that often make relationships more difficult. Chances are, your father didn’t mean to upset you last year, and he probably has no idea that the way he interacted with you affected you so dramatically.

If you ever want things to change, you must let him know. Schedule a time to talk to him on the phone. It would be great if it can be a video call so that you can see each other. Be honest and clear as you also try not to be mean. Tell your father that you have made other plans for Christmas because you had such a bad experience last year, and you don’t want to repeat it in any way this year. Tell your dad that your recollection of the visit was a time fraught with negativity. Remind him that he was unkind and rude to you. Give him examples so he can understand what you mean. Tell him that his comments, in particular, hurt your feelings deeply. So, this year you decided not to put yourself in that situation.

Assure your father that you love him, but this year you will be doing something else. If he wants to try to mend the fence with you, schedule another time when you can get together. It’s OK for you to keep your current plans as long as you can promise yourself to have a good time and not lament being away from family as you and your best friend enjoy the holiday.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have two children together. The carrying, birthing and nursing of both children were very painful experiences for me. We do not want any more children. My husband says that a vasectomy would be too painful for him and is suggesting that I get my tubes tied instead. I can’t understand how he thinks that’s fair. I’ve experienced the pain of two pregnancies and births, and he’s experienced nothing. How do I make him understand that getting a vasectomy is the least he could do? -- No Empathy

DEAR NO EMPATHY: It may be impossible for a man to fully understand what it takes for a woman to give birth -- let alone all the other twists and turns of being a mother. That said, you can put your foot down. No vasectomy, no sex, or at least no unprotected sex. That may motivate him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work for myself, and the past couple of years have been very good. Oddly, the pandemic was profitable for my business. But now things are changing. As is always true, the end of year is my time for renegotiating contracts, and it feels like deja vu from a few years ago. Even though the quality of my work has been stellar and I have gotten only great reviews, the renewals are not flowing in. So far, one company did not renew and another big project narrowed the scope of work, which means less money. I have been looking for new projects for months now, but nothing has clicked. I’m getting nervous. I had two years of not worrying about money, but now that’s over. How can I stay positive when things are not looking so good? -- Facing the Future

DEAR FACING THE FUTURE: Act like you have no money, because you really don’t right now. Get serious about prospecting. Look around for potential new clients, and approach at least five businesses per day. Make sure your pitch to them is aligned with what’s happening in the world now. During the pandemic, everyone was at home, and goods and services that supported the way people were living prospered. It’s a new day. You may need to tweak what you are offering to match the new reality of the working world. Figure out the skills you have that match the world today, and offer those.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a guy I used to have a crush on at a holiday party, and all the old feelings came back. I spent some time talking to him, and it was nice. He is all the things that I like: gentlemanly, stylish, attentive but not overbearing, a great conversationalist -- I could go on. When I first met him, I was married, though not happily.

I am now separated and in the middle of a divorce. Should I tell my friend my status and see if he’s interested in going out? It’s going to take a while before I have everything sorted with the divorce, but it’s definitely happening. I feel like I should let him know what’s going on with me in case he shares any of my butterflies. What do you think? -- Butterflies

DEAR BUTTERFLIES: Your note makes me wonder about what happened before. Did you flirt with each other or even step into the arena of engaging each other intimately? Whatever happened before is informing this moment. Recall the whole scenario so that you can be crystal clear about what happened then and what the precedent is for now.

Then, yes, be honest with him. Tell him what’s happening in your life -- not every detail, but the basics and whatever timeline you believe you are on for handling your business. Perhaps your renewed interest in this man will spur you on to finish your divorce more quickly. What I do not recommend is beginning to date him before you have fully closed that door.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)