Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are working through some tough financial issues. We lost a lot of money due to bad investments, business deals and poor money management, and now we are struggling badly. We are afraid we may lose our home. The only people I can think of to ask for help are my parents, but I’m hesitant to ask. They told me years ago, when my husband and I first got engaged, that they do not think that we are financially responsible enough to be married. Telling them of our situation will mean we proved them right. What should I do? -- Proving Them Right

DEAR PROVING THEM RIGHT: Before going to your parents, can you go to a credit counselor? It would be helpful for you to get informed financial advice on what you can do to consolidate your debt and make strategic decisions to right your course. A debt management professional may be able to guide you toward specific things you can do to get your finances under control.

After you have a plan, go to your parents. Tell them what is happening. Admit that you have not managed your finances well and you are in dire straits. Tell them what you have done thus far to get your life under control. Then ask for their help. Be prepared for them to say no, by the way. You may have to handle this completely on your own. If so, make the best of it to prove to yourselves that you can turn your life around.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had my son when I was 16 years old. About five years into his life, I regretted the name I had chosen for him. It just doesn’t fit. I’ve started to call him by his nickname, which is a slightly better fit for him, but I hate that he is stuck with such a poorly chosen name. My son is 10 now. Ultimately, it is his decision, but is it too late in life to discuss changing his name with him? Could it give him an identity issue? -- Big Decision

DEAR BIG DECISION: How does your son feel about his name? Does he like the nickname that you use for him? One’s official name on a birth certificate can be changed, now or later. Since your son does not have to be called by that name, it may not be a real issue. You may want to talk to your son’s teachers to make it clear how he should be addressed.

You haven’t said what name you chose. If his given name is something that would trigger taunting or ridicule by his peers and that has already happened, you should talk to your son and give him the opportunity to change it. You can ask him what he would like to be called and see what he comes up with. This can be a positive moment for his identity if you handle it carefully.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a birthday party recently for a teenager in my family. It was at an amusement center that featured all kinds of fun activities, including a big arcade. We ended up playing video games for hours, and it was a lot of fun. It took me right back to my childhood. When I got home, I immediately downloaded a few of the games and got sucked into what feels like a time warp. I can play for hours on end without noticing the time. Yes, it is fun, but I know this is not good for me. When I looked up the other day, it was already evening and I hadn’t done a thing. It was the weekend, but still. I know that’s not how I should be spending my time. How can I enjoy this newly rediscovered pastime without becoming a video game addict? -- Striking a Balance

DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE: These games are designed to take you down a rabbit hole and keep you there. You do not have to let them win, though. Make a schedule for the day every day, including the weekend. You can allot yourself a particular amount of time to play video games. One hour seems like a manageable amount. Then set a timer on your phone or other device. Set it for 45 minutes and also an hour. That way, if the timer goes off and you immediately silence it, you have a backup reminder to stop playing. Otherwise, you could easily find yourself playing for hours on end. You do have to respond to your alarm by getting up and doing something else. You can. Ideally, you should schedule something interesting to do immediately after the gaming that will compel you to get up and take action.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got COVID-19, and I’m really bummed. I went on vacation with my family and came back sick as a dog. I’m supposed to be going to a meeting with my boss this week. We work remotely in two different states. She is coming to town, and we are supposed to work together. I’m feeling better now. Do you think it would be OK for me to go, especially since I am past the worst of it? I haven’t told her that I got COVID-19, so she would be none the wiser. -- Should I Go?

DEAR SHOULD I GO?: You must immediately tell your boss that you got COVID-19 and test each day. When you have a negative test, you will be safe to be around other people. Let her know right away in case she really needs you or someone to be with her when she is in town so that she can make the appropriate arrangements. The worst thing you could do is keep this news to yourself. Imagine if the situation were reversed. Would you want to be exposed to the virus without any warning? Be honest, and hope that you get a negative test.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a serious night owl. I work long hours and need time to unwind. I don’t do all that much at night, but I don’t go to sleep. I watch movies sometimes, or binge watch stupid TV shows. I read sometimes. I don’t really know how the time passes. All I know is that I rarely get to bed before 1 a.m., and I have to get up by 7:30 no matter what. Usually, I don’t feel tired, but my mom keeps reminding me that I am supposed to get at least eight hours of sleep. How can I change my ways? -- Go to Sleep

DEAR GO TO SLEEP: While you are up one night, do some research on the benefits of sleep and the harm you do to your body by not getting a good eight hours each night. Wake yourself to the damage you are doing to yourself, and that may be the very medicine you need to reconsider how you spend your evenings.

There’s an insightful doctor who speaks candidly about this. Dr. Daniel Amen explains that the brain needs at least seven hours of sleep in order to regenerate each day. He further explains that you can actually heal your brain by feeding it well and giving it the rest it needs. Here is a TED Talk he did that elaborates on the brain, including the absolute need for sleep: youtu.be/MLKj1puoWCg.

So how do you get to more sleep? Turn off the TV. Stop eating several hours before you plan to go to bed. Don’t drink alcohol. Drink a little water. Get in the bed with the intention of getting rest. Train yourself to do it. You can.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wealthiest friend is the least generous friend I have. She makes twice my salary and is married to an incredibly wealthy man, so she doesn’t even really have to work. She is constantly suggesting that we do things such as go on trips, dine at expensive restaurants, buy front-row tickets to concerts, etc., but she never offers to treat me to a thing. This has caused a rift, as I can’t afford to do a lot of the things she prefers to do. I’m not that type of friend at all. Even though I have less, I will treat my friends and not ask for a dime in return. Am I wrong for thinking she could be more generous? -- Stingy Friend

DEAR STINGY FRIEND: As you continue your friend evaluation, step back and ask yourself if this person is actually your friend. Her behavior is saying something very different. Perhaps she is not conscious of how she is behaving or of your circumstances or those of her other friends.

You do not have to put yourself in the situation of feeling less-than because she is oblivious to your reality. Stop going out with her. Or tell her directly that you cannot hang with her the way she likes to because you can’t afford it. If she wants you to do expensive things, she is going to have to pay your way. Otherwise, you will be unable to accompany her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)