Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has always smoked weed, but ever since quarantine, he has smoked every day, often starting at 7 a.m. and going throughout the day. Even though he’s back at work in a hybrid capacity, I’m working from home. It drives me crazy to have to smell weed all day long. As I am conducting Zoom meetings or otherwise working, the last thing I want to smell is marijuana smoke wafting through my house. He knows I can’t stand it.

Sometimes he lights a candle, but normally he just smokes and that’s that. I can’t take it anymore. I want him to stop smoking, at least while I’m working. What can I say to get him to refrain? We live in an apartment, so there is no backyard or man cave he can escape to. We are in a small space together. -- Boundaries

DEAR BOUNDARIES: So many challenges emerged out of the quarantine period. Many couples found themselves in situations where one partner’s habits annoyed the you-know-what out of the other. Yours sounds especially frustrating. While you probably can’t get your husband to stop smoking altogether, it is fair for you to ask him not to smoke during business hours.

Be direct when you talk to him -- preferably when he is not high. Point out that you are working each day during specific hours. You would like for him to refrain from smoking during those hours. If he balks, remind him that if he were at his job, he would not be able to smoke on site. During the workday when he is at home, he is essentially in your workplace. Ask him not to smoke at your job site during working hours.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Going into the holiday season, I already know I don’t have the funds to buy a whole lot of gifts for people. I do have things that I could share with loved ones, though. I have a pretty cool collection of books that I could give to some of the people on my list. I also have some clothing items that could be nice for gifts. I’m just not so sure that people will appreciate these items. How do I let my loved ones know that I am giving from my closet without seeming pathetic? -- Creative Gifting

DEAR CREATIVE GIFTING: Make it a big deal that you have made this choice. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Write a note to go with each item. State that you have selected the particular thing for them. You enjoyed it immensely, and now you want to share it with them in hopes that they will enjoy it as well. This is when the notion of “it’s the thought that counts” really matters. You did think about each person and what they would like. To the best of your ability, you offered them something with love from your own home. Whether they will use it is on them. Hopefully, they will appreciate your thoughtfulness in selecting it and presenting it to them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are working through some tough financial issues. We lost a lot of money due to bad investments, business deals and poor money management, and now we are struggling badly. We are afraid we may lose our home. The only people I can think of to ask for help are my parents, but I’m hesitant to ask. They told me years ago, when my husband and I first got engaged, that they do not think that we are financially responsible enough to be married. Telling them of our situation will mean we proved them right. What should I do? -- Proving Them Right

DEAR PROVING THEM RIGHT: Before going to your parents, can you go to a credit counselor? It would be helpful for you to get informed financial advice on what you can do to consolidate your debt and make strategic decisions to right your course. A debt management professional may be able to guide you toward specific things you can do to get your finances under control.

After you have a plan, go to your parents. Tell them what is happening. Admit that you have not managed your finances well and you are in dire straits. Tell them what you have done thus far to get your life under control. Then ask for their help. Be prepared for them to say no, by the way. You may have to handle this completely on your own. If so, make the best of it to prove to yourselves that you can turn your life around.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had my son when I was 16 years old. About five years into his life, I regretted the name I had chosen for him. It just doesn’t fit. I’ve started to call him by his nickname, which is a slightly better fit for him, but I hate that he is stuck with such a poorly chosen name. My son is 10 now. Ultimately, it is his decision, but is it too late in life to discuss changing his name with him? Could it give him an identity issue? -- Big Decision

DEAR BIG DECISION: How does your son feel about his name? Does he like the nickname that you use for him? One’s official name on a birth certificate can be changed, now or later. Since your son does not have to be called by that name, it may not be a real issue. You may want to talk to your son’s teachers to make it clear how he should be addressed.

You haven’t said what name you chose. If his given name is something that would trigger taunting or ridicule by his peers and that has already happened, you should talk to your son and give him the opportunity to change it. You can ask him what he would like to be called and see what he comes up with. This can be a positive moment for his identity if you handle it carefully.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a birthday party recently for a teenager in my family. It was at an amusement center that featured all kinds of fun activities, including a big arcade. We ended up playing video games for hours, and it was a lot of fun. It took me right back to my childhood. When I got home, I immediately downloaded a few of the games and got sucked into what feels like a time warp. I can play for hours on end without noticing the time. Yes, it is fun, but I know this is not good for me. When I looked up the other day, it was already evening and I hadn’t done a thing. It was the weekend, but still. I know that’s not how I should be spending my time. How can I enjoy this newly rediscovered pastime without becoming a video game addict? -- Striking a Balance

DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE: These games are designed to take you down a rabbit hole and keep you there. You do not have to let them win, though. Make a schedule for the day every day, including the weekend. You can allot yourself a particular amount of time to play video games. One hour seems like a manageable amount. Then set a timer on your phone or other device. Set it for 45 minutes and also an hour. That way, if the timer goes off and you immediately silence it, you have a backup reminder to stop playing. Otherwise, you could easily find yourself playing for hours on end. You do have to respond to your alarm by getting up and doing something else. You can. Ideally, you should schedule something interesting to do immediately after the gaming that will compel you to get up and take action.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got COVID-19, and I’m really bummed. I went on vacation with my family and came back sick as a dog. I’m supposed to be going to a meeting with my boss this week. We work remotely in two different states. She is coming to town, and we are supposed to work together. I’m feeling better now. Do you think it would be OK for me to go, especially since I am past the worst of it? I haven’t told her that I got COVID-19, so she would be none the wiser. -- Should I Go?

DEAR SHOULD I GO?: You must immediately tell your boss that you got COVID-19 and test each day. When you have a negative test, you will be safe to be around other people. Let her know right away in case she really needs you or someone to be with her when she is in town so that she can make the appropriate arrangements. The worst thing you could do is keep this news to yourself. Imagine if the situation were reversed. Would you want to be exposed to the virus without any warning? Be honest, and hope that you get a negative test.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)